Becoming a Bachelor

  A bachelor of science.

'I finished uni!' 

Title: The Ups and Downs of Final Year

I've made it, to the end of my degree. It has been a roller coaster ride filled with emotions, triumphs and downfalls. Most of you have been with me for parts of the ride, cheering me on and sharing your stories as well. For that, I am so blessed to be supported by each and every one of you.

I would also like to address a few typical post-grad questions here so (hopefully) I won't have to repeat myself so much when people ask me, I could just direct them to this post or maybe, you've read this and know better than to ask.

Q1: So what's your plan?

Okay, I know it is only natural to ask a soon-to-be graduate this but boy, it can get frustrating trying to answer this repeatedly. So here's a short answer: I don't know.
I have a few ideas but I'm still waiting to hear back from a few people so I don't want to confirm what my actual plans are.
In the long term, I would like to be a consulting psychologist. Psychology, mental health and performance (sport, music, business, military etc) is where I'd like to be involved in so anything I'll do in the future would include a few aspects of these 3 areas.

Another, perhaps slightly different area I'd like to be a part of is in saving the earth (or rather the human race) from climate change. Sometimes, I have this existential crisis where I'd ask myself "Nature is being destroyed by human activity and all I can think of is earning money?" and feel helpless in not knowing what I can do. Sure, I'm trying my best as an individual to be more green but I've realised that trying to convince people to change their deep-rooted habits (using plastic, eating meat) is an extremely challenging task and getting society to change (infrastructure, legislation etc) is a whole other mountain to climb. Again, I don't know. If anyone has any ideas or people I can talk to, let me know.

Q2: Are you planning to work in Malaysia or somewhere else?

Currently, I would like to return home and work for the time being. I miss my family so much and after spending majority of the past 5 years in the UK, I think it's time I head home. I want to spend time with my parents, my long-time friends and most importantly, spoil my cousin's children. I also miss good Malaysian food (duh).
I would not rule out moving abroad for work or even to do my masters but that's still up in the air. So for now, I'm heading home.

Q3: You couldn't get a job in the UK?

It's not that jobs are difficult to find, it's just so much more of a hassle. I wouldn't say that UK employers are making it hard for international students to find a job because of the Tier 2 visa (i.e. UK's working permit for non-EU/UK). In all honesty, I just didn't want to put in the effort because I knew it wasn't worth it for me. The jobs that are able to sponsor Tier 2 visas are not what I want to do and if it is something I'd love to do, chances are, they don't sponsor Tier 2 visa. I know I can dig deeper and something will pop out but I also want to go home. Yes, 'earning in pounds' is much better economically, but if I commit to a job that I don't like doing, what's the point?
Also, if I were to get a Tier 2 sponsored job that I love, I would most likely move to another town. It's just another round of settling down but this time, there might not even be a community of Malaysians that I could be part of or a family friend close by. That, is very important to me. Moving to Bath, I knew I could visit my family and friends in Oxford easily and there is a Malaysian society at university. People will say that I can always make new friends and make home out of a unfamiliar place but mentally, I don't think I am ready for that. Like I said before, I'm ready to go home.

Q4: Would you go into politics?

No. There are many reasons why I don't want to but to save time, I just don't think it is for me. My calling in life is to help people and I don't think being involved in politics is the way to go. For me, there's too much people pleasing, bureaucracy and arguing involved. Not my cup of tea. I mean I'm happy to work with politicians because they make the rules but to be one, I'd rather leave that post for someone more competent.

Q5: So, can you give me counselling sessions (for free)? 

No, graduating with a BSc in Psychology does not make me a counsellor. I'm not trained to provide professional advice and its unethical for me to do so. I'd like to undergo training for basic counselling soon so maybe ask me after that? Also, please don't ask for free sessions (I know most people who ask, can afford it). Like any other service, people spend money and time becoming qualified so its only right that there should be a form of payment. Only in special circumstance will I even consider giving out free sessions but again, I'm not qualified yet so I can't say much on this.


End of FAQs!
These are just some of the questions I'm already getting regarding my post-grad plans. I had time to think about the answers so I hope they're satisfactory.

Posing like how I danced around those questions

I've thought about why the title is 'Bachelor of Science' because in the context of job market, one becomes an eligible bachelor waiting to commit to a job. Like any relationship, to be successful, one should be believe and be comfortable in doing that job while at the same time be challenging for potential self-growth. Ha, funny that.

Again, I would like to thank all my family, friends, housemates, coursemates and everyone in between for their support during my university years. I hope I continue to still have this love as I go into the next phase of my life.

Love,
Liza x

Stuck under the duvet: my safe space

You know it has been tough when the only place you can feel safe is under a pile of blankets because you don't have to interact with the world.. and the world can't touch you.

*warning: explicit content, needed certain words to help articulate this whole shit show*

Although it may sound repetitive and a recurring theme here on my blog for the past year, I have gone through yet another challenging month. In all honesty, I still think the challenge is still ongoing but at least I'm in a better place right now. I am able to (and willing to) write about it, that's always a good sign.

Fuck, I was in an all-time low last month. I felt like a huge bus filled with heartbreak, disappointment and a-n-x-i-e-t-y ran over me, repeatedly. I was a walking combustible tear bomb, tears were flowing when in church, in the middle of reading papers on Immanuel Kant and when I hear my mother's voice on the other end of the phone. Every single day felt like a struggle to smile and feel happiness. There are days where I'd rather lie in bed and just watch videos on youtube - I didn't even enjoy it! It literally felt like I was being enclosed in a dark cloud and there was nobody that I could reach out to. Of course, I knew I have people to turn to but for a few days (which felt like a month), I was convinced that I was alone and no use to anyone. I was told from a very honest friend that I embodied "Sadness" from Inside Out (see below).

 

Yep. That was me. 

This won't be a sop story about what happened in the past month. Instead, I'm going to tell you how I dealt with it, or at least, attempted to:

As a psychology undergraduate, I found myself beating myself up harder because I was feeling an imbalance in my mental state. I was convinced that because I have spent the past 3 years understanding the human mind, I should be able to control how I felt and thought. I should know the ways to cope with it and overcome it. However, the reality was that I don't and that was a hard pill to swallow. The only thing I knew I could do was to seek help. I am ever so blessed to be in my university because the wellbeing drop-in sessions saved my life. I had a productive safe space where I wasn't under blankets hiding; I was talking about it and having someone there to empathize and guide me. Of course, I knew that wasn't enough, I had to be honest with myself and put in the work. 

That started with opening up to the people that I hold so dearly in my heart, my mum, my best friend and my sayang. By telling them, I inadvertently admitted to myself that "shit, okay I need help and I'm okay with asking for help". I was reminded again that I have the most amazing, supportive people in my life and I was so stupid for thinking that I don't. Slowly, I started opening up to my friends here in university and I have been continually blessed with support and understanding. 

That's how I got comfortable enough to talk about it now. Of course, I still have that fear that my search for help will be belittled and invalidated by others who would think that I'm not strong enough to cope with difficult situations. That fear is very much real and I wish that those people who do think this way just keep it to themselves. It is frustrating how I am programmed to remember the one thing that went wrong rather than the million other things that went right, I assume that is the case for most of us as well. Utter bollocks right, how our brains are wired to perceive this way?! 

Right now, the duvet is less of a self-pity sinkhole and I'm feeling less anxious. The chronic sadness is also ebbing away now, which is great because this time of year when the days are shorter is when my Seasonal Affective Depression (this, I have shamefully self-diagnosed) is peak. Funnily enough, I have come to embrace the short days and I.. don't get depressed when the sun sets at 4pm anymore. A progress in my mental health? Fuck yeah. 

I would like to end this post with a list of the things that has helped me feel better, for future reference: 

1. Honesty. Especially with myself and to people that you love. 
2. Good communication, ties in with #1. Being brave to pick up that phone and dial-a-friend (or mum). 
3. Social life! Making plans with the housemates and friends helped distract me from my own pity party. 
4. Exercise. As someone who spent her placement arguing for the importance of active lifestyle, I needed to follow my own advice. Swimming once a week and pilates every other day! 
5. Gratitude journal. Just writing down the small things that I was happy for every day was self-empowering. 

This was me after a nice (long) walk with the housemates to Beckford Tower (in the background). 

The look that says "I'm trying to find internal happiness again"

The hard times are still here but I know I have people to talk to and most importantly, I believe in myself and my strength to face it head on, with the occasional trip under the duvet. I'm going to be gentle with myself and I do hope that you do that as well. The only love we can rely on is the love from God and the love from yourself. 

Till next time, xx

My biggest flaw

Well, it has been awhile since I last wrote. Things just happened and personally, I have been going through quite a few things. Only recently have I found time to really have a think about it and reflect - you all know I love to reflect.

My go-to reflection pose.

For the sake of continuity, I do have to acknowledge the aftermath of the events in my previous post. Despite not being able to send my vote in back in time, Malaysians pulled through and we have a new government. Well, that's a loosely said term as there are a few of MPs, Cabinet Ministers who were part of the old ruling government at one point - my father included. However, their old affiliations aside, they are working under a different party and different vision now so we all can say that it is indeed a new Malaysia, which is a great start. There is such a long road ahead and we don't only need to be patient but we need to work hard as well. We, the country, the people and the government. That's all I should say on this matter, say too much and I might end up saying the wrong things.

Now back to my personal life (isn't it the main purpose of this online journal?). Placement is over! It feels weird because it is like I didn't really leave the placement because I feel like I'm still part of the project or like the project is still part of me. Is this getting too hippy-ish? It was such a great experience doing research work because I knew the impact it could make, granted you talk to the right person and ask the right questions. It got me excited about the science of learning the unknown. We can argue the whole day on whether psychology (or any social science for the matter) is a science or not but the fact that the field has enlightened us on various aspects of human behaviour and  interactions, that has to be something worth taking seriously, no? Placement has taught me so much about academia and my field and Bristol has taught me so much about myself. It was definitely a year of growth and challenges.. and it isn't over yet!

This is because there is the reality of going into my final year of university! Every now and again for the past few months, I get a mini panic attack whenever I think about doing final year, needing to apply for jobs and maintaining a good enough grades in order to apply for jobs. I start to wonder 'will I be good enough to work?' 'will I survive the "real world"?' 'will I ever earn enough to feed myself?' and the panic sets in like custard on bread pudding. As busy as I try to be this whole summer, now and again when I get those quiet times to 'reflect on life', these thoughts come floating in like Queen Bey in any red carpet event. Frankly, it scares me. I sometimes think that maybe I want to do a Masters or PhD is because I don't want to enter the corporate world and succumb to the capitalist way of earning money - working for the 'big guys' or start my own business/clinic/talk show because I'm terribly afraid of actually failing. Then I think back to the conversation I had with a very wise friend who asked me, "Why are you so afraid of failing? Everyone who succeed in life have failed and they are not afraid to admit it. Why do you think you can succeed without failing?" It was at that time I realised my biggest flaw, I'm scared of not making it the first time around.

Somehow I've managed to latch onto the belief that I either succeed on the first try or I don't at all. That manifested into a subtle but convoluted need to be in control of everything, including the parts that I have no control over. Not so funnily enough, this narrative dominated me despite watching or hearing about other people's journey to success, which included multiple failures. I have no answer as to why I think like this, some say it is the Asian mentality (again, a loose term) but I like to think it is entirely my own expectations about myself. Shaped by my previous experiences, my surroundings and the people I hang out with, I created an impossible goal: to get life right on the first try. I'm not blaming anyone, it is entirely down to the perception of my own brain.

It's not like I've ever succeeded on my first try. I failed to get on the state fencing team on my first try, I didn't get the job from my first placement interview, heck I've even failed to bake bread properly on my first try. So why do I think I need to do it right the first time? Is it to proof something to someone? To stand out in a crowd? JE NE SAIS PAS!! I thought writing about it will eventually give me some ideas but as you've read so far, I still have no clue.

What I do realise though is that this is the challenge I have to truly overcome. Failing the first time. I don't think real life experience from others alone will do it, I need to experience it myself. It is a tough situation to put myself in but I just have to. I'm not saying that I'll be actively seeking out failure, that's easy, all I have to do is to attempt cycling. I just need to put myself out there when the time comes.

Wish me luck.

I'm not okay.. and that is okay.

 

A lot has happened since I last wrote. They happened quite unexpectedly and continuously. 

To start off, I finally admitted, to myself and everyone else that cared that I don't have the mental or physical strength to do both a full-time (non-paid) placement and a part-time (paid) waitress job. In short, I quit. It was relieving to finally not have to constantly dread going to something (the part-time job), never realised how much it was weighing my spirits down. I am so blessed to have very understanding parents that want me to put my studies first. I can now focus on my placement and hopefully do amazing research work. 

As far that good decisions go, that was it. Unfortunately, I have voluntarily placed myself in a vulnerable and emotional situation. Being in my 20s, it is only natural that I wanted to see how its like when I put myself out there. I've been fortunate enough to have made good friendships but then I get too attached. I've given myself the ideal that if I want it bad enough, it'll happen. I've learnt the hard way that what you think is not what reality is. I was foolishly wearing rose-tinted glasses in this situation and as expected, I had expectations. As much as I try to not expect too much (I can be a realist), when the truth is not what you want to hear, it sucks. It really does. 

I tried to hide behind the mask of a 'strong, independent woman'. That only got me even more upset because I felt like I am not allowed to feel upset and that I should have a 'fuck all' attitude and take pride in my stride and move on. But I couldn't. I was going crazy feeling like there is no where out this abyss of self-doubt: "Was I really not good enough??"

Thankfully (really thankfully), I just have the best people in my life who were okay with me not being okay for awhile. Then, I just decided to be not okay. Man, it hurts but it was good because then I needed to stop this. Otherwise, pretending that I'm okay will just keep me in denial.

I wish I can say that I'm better now but I'm not.

I know I'll get better. Just not today. 

Sorry, no motivational/empowering/inspirational thoughts this time. I struggle to feel them at the moment. 

Thanks for reading this as I try to understand life. Sending much love to you all.

Oh and mum, if you're reading this, don't worry please, I'll get through this.

Till the next emotionally damaging series of events (lol jk),
Liza x

Don't matter now

'It's okay to remove yourself from the world sometimes' was what I remembered George Ezra saying when he introduced his new song during his Top Secret Tour show in Bath (in pic).

It makes perfect sense.

I have been on summer holiday for slightly over a month now but it has only struck me that I'm already half-way through my degree. That realization hit me when I have finally settled down in my cosy little flat in Bristol and completed a temporary staff application for my placement in UWE as a research assistant. I just went, 'One more year after this and I'm graduating.' That thought led me to all my seniors who have recently received their final results and will be making their way to Bath Abbey to officially be a graduate. These people that I've hung out with on a regular basis are now leaving and that thought saddens me. Interestingly, it got me anxious as well, not for them, but for myself. In two years, I have to decide whether I want to officially enter the 'real world' or stay in academia. It is definitely a decision I will find the hardest to make. I found myself getting stressed out about this and then I had to catch myself. I know that two years is not a long time but then again, it is.

A lot has happened in the last year, who knows what can happen in the next two? Things might change, I may not want to be a sports psychologist anymore *18 year old me gasps*. Funny to think how determined I was to want to be a sports psychologist 3 years ago and knowing now that I don't really know. I guess, that's what university is supposed to do to you: slowly question your life's choices, out of curiosity of course (in the best of times). Now, tell me how could I avoid the anxiety bubbling underneath my mask of calamity?

The short answer: "It don't matter now". Geoff was right, sometimes I need to unplug the phone and lock myself up in the room and just relax. It is the summer holidays, and as university students, we can afford to not do anything productive to make up for the weekends spent finishing an assignment or catching up with lectures. Yes, internships in the summer are 'great work experience' but spending time with family and doing some self-growth are equally important.

While walking around Oxford today, I realized how I was so used to walking fast for commuting sake that I was uncomfortable at walking at a tourist pace. But the slower pace meant that I could really soak in the sun (yes, it was one of those rare sunny days today) and enjoy being in a wonderful city. I guess that's what I need now, some decrease in velocity in my life. Time itself is never going to slow down but if we pace ourselves, we can make that time more valuable. Like recovering from a heartbreak, you could either spend days on the couch eating ice cream or you could channel that energy into creating something substantial.

It would be nice to end this entry with a witty, insightful quote but I'd just urge you to listen to George's "Don't Matter Now" because it is good. 

LM x

My journey with Son-Rise

'Do you know what Son-Rise is about?'

'No, but I know I want to be part of it.'

 So today was my last session with Colm before I start revising for exams and then start my placement. It was a great session and one of my favourites cause I get to just chat with him. We talked about playing pranks on my siblings, (air)guns and fireworks. Reminded me so much of our first session together in October. So much has changed.

Before I go on, I do think some clarification would help you, the readers, understand the context. Son-Rise is a programme designed for parents with autistic children to do home-run sessions. It preaches love, full acceptance and all-round happiness. Colm is one of the children under the programme and I volunteer twice a week for a 2-hour session to be in the playroom with him. While it is child-centred, it is my role to encourage him to engage in more social actions that will help him socialise with his peers. Personally, I'd like to see it as 'invite, join & celebrate with energy, enthusiasm and excitement'. I also get weekly feedback sessions to help guide me in my following sessions. If you'd like to know more, I'd urge you to visit www.autismtreatmentcentre.org for more info, or talk to me so I can direct you to the right information/books/videos.

Alright, I hope by now you would get a rough idea of how I've been spending my Wednesdays and Thursdays mornings.

The past 6 months have been rough: emotionally, physically and academically. Son-Rise taught me how to get through it by just being comfortable with myself. I know, it sounds very 'what? makes no sense'-ish but it worked. I learned that by accepting my limitations and understanding that sometimes, I just need to take a deep breath has got me through toughest of times. For example, running the Malaysian Students' society can drain the energy out of you and mistakes happen. Old Liza would beat herself up about it saying how I wasn't good enough and that I've failed. The feeling of remorse, guilt and feeding off my members' frustrations and disappointments can get in my head. However, learning to be comfortable meant that I could see my failure as just that: an event that was out of my control and that I'm still okay (and amazing). It is a tough muscle to work on (harder than abs!) as it is so easy to just criticize yourself and pull yourself down, better you than other people right? Wrong.
Thing is, being in the playroom with Colm, I know that I am the only person who has the control of how I feel. Why should Colm's (non)reaction to my stories reflect how I feel about myself? Thing is, it shouldn't. Whatever Colm does has nothing to do with how he thinks of me and importantly, how I think of me. I think that is one of the biggest lesson I've learned.. and still continue to internalise.
As long as I'm happy with myself, life just seems brigher, despite the thunderstorms. Rainy days can be just as beautiful.

Other than loving myself, I also realised that I can decide to love someone unconditionally, imperfections and all. While I might not know Colm as well as his family, it still warms my heart whenever he chooses to tell me something about one of his guns and hilarious stories. I was not short of intense moments as well but those moments gave me a chance to work on the 'comfortable with myself' muscle. I've also learned so much from him as Colm is very knowledgable from fly fishing to DIY fireworks, every day I learn something new. Sessions with him are never boring.

There is just so much love in this programme. Madeleine, Emily and Ross are always just oozing with love and it is hard to refuse that intense volume of oxytoxin. They were never short of celebrations for everything, even for the little things. It makes you feel really good and you just want to celebrate each other. I still struggle with expressing my emotions clearly as you know, asian upbringing = emotion suppression (it's true) but rest assured, I'm inner-celebrating you, my family and friends!!

I would like to invite everyone here to learn more about Son-Rise and get in touch with families running them!

It was such a rewarding experience and I know this is not the final goodbye to Son-Rise or Team Colm.

Here are some links/books that you can check out if you are interested:

Colm's Awesome Adventure with Autism (FB page link)
Son-Rise Books:
Autism Breakthrough (good for parents with austistic kids)
Happiness is a choice (personal favourite, highly recommend)

March Madness

March 2017 was the wildest month of my life. So far. Here is what I did:

 

 Okay, well I didn't really do any park runs but I was doing a few long distance runs to prepare for the Bath Half on the 12th of March. Craziest few days when I stupidly did two 16km runs in the span of 3 days, alongside dance practices for BAMSA Night and a bit of fencing. NBD except for the sore legs and taking the longest time to climb down the stairs. Damn it leg muscles, you weak.

Then the big moment came. 12th March. Ran 13.1 miles. I enjoyed the run so much and it was more to do with the atmosphere than anything. Jelly babies and oatcakes were given out by residents along the way which was most likely the only reason why I didn't stop running. So cheers, Bath residents. The signs you guys made were amazing as well: "Pain now, wine later." & a few Trump-related ones made running less miserable.

Finished it under my goal time which was a great achievement. Wished I could show you my grateful, close-to-tears face at the finish line but unfortunately, you need to pay to download them and from my previous post, you'd know that I can't afford such luxuries.

Special shout out to the housemates, Sean and Pings for doing this as well. We were all crazy, but eh, I like how far we pushed ourselves (& each other). Full marathon, sometime? Maybe?? (heh, kidding. You guys can go ahead. I'll stick to 21km)

A week later, this happened. A sold out, three hour long show. Three dances and a few cameo here and there. Pics of those are NSFW but I can tell you, that it would remain among my Facebook friends and that I might have to avoid adding and lecturers/future employers/potential husbands on Facebook. Oh, the after party was great too, despite getting Coke thrown at me at McD's while I was innocently eating my cheesy chips from Ye Olde Al Falafel.

In between those, I was furiously typing away 4 essays that were filled with mediocre knowledge masked with long, sophisticated sounding words. Remember my struggles with academic writing? Yes, still struggling but thanks to a good friend (Jade, hope you are reading this x), I leveled up but only so slightly.

While writing this, I finally realised the true extent of the madness that the 31 days had put me through. It was all a blurry rush and it is finally hitting me. Coming out of this made me realise that maybe, I do have the strength to power through anything. That, or I'm used to the whole concept of casual mental breakdowns that it doesn't have a lasting emotional impact on me anymore. Either way, March showed me a newfound ability to charge through anything. Well, at least until my department/life/h8ers decide to challenge this freshly garnered strength with another crazy month, or months? Only God knows, I'm pretty sure He does. Right?

Anyways, two more months before I end my second year in university (don't panic). Still clueless with the whole university self-learning concept, but I'm getting the hang of it. Alright, now onto the preparation for 4 essay exams. Anyone has any good tips to prepare for that? I don't care for no "early planning/essay practice/read loads" advice. I meant like GOOD TIPS, i.e. how to write under pressure, how far can you bullshit your way in an essay while showing the marker that you kind of know the stuff, how to not panic etc. Please pm me or comment or tell me in person. I'll promise to bake you some good cakes to show my gratitude (once I pass my exams).

So update done here. Just needed to write this down to allow myself the opportunity to look back to this month if when my life gets on this level of craziness. #forwardthinking

Liza x

The door that opened.

This gif is the perfect representation of me the past week:

First of all, I'd like to say massive thanks to all of you for the support, advice, hugs and love the past few weeks. I wasn't expecting all of this and I am so grateful for everyone. Also, thank you to those who've shared their stories of rejection with me, I am so honoured that you've shared this struggle with me, as I know it is not easy to admit it. We are all in this together guys!<3 p="">
<3 p="">
 Anyways, I guess I should inform everyone that after that brutal rejection, I have been offered another placement in Bristol! Yes guys, I did it. I powered through that hard time and re-applied. Not to dismiss the previous one, but this one in Bristol is so much more in line with what I want to really get into.

It took me a few days for it to really sink in (hence, gif), it is like that for most things after a storm right?
I guess that from this experience, it goes to show that there is no point beating yourself up too hard over a rejection and sometimes you just have to suck it up, get over it and move on. It is very harsh and it will get harsher, it is just getting familiar with the headstrong mindset and powering through any crisis.

I don't think I'll ever thank everyone enough for giving me a reality check and support for moving forwards. Special thanks to Heidi for listening to me sob over the phone/skype and my supermum for just being blunt but loving at the same time.

To the other guys who are still looking for placements, don't forget you are awesome regardless and don't ever think otherwise.

Bristol, see you next year. Let the house hunting begin.

Restart: A different journey.

"This year, I want to achieve great things and prove people wrong." 

That was me on New Year's Day 2015 and 2016. Year after every year, I seem to have not achieve anything significant.

Yes, I got into an amazing university and went on a once in a lifetime volunteering programme last summer (read it here). However, there were days where I felt that I could be doing something worth being enthusiastic about. There were great memories, but all it was were just temporary excitement and by the time these moments became memories, the excitement just faded. Then, I found myself living a life limited by the routines I set myself and the bubble I created.

 

2015 Summer volunteering at a plantation school in Lahad Datu

 

 Me in my university freshers' dorm, looking all happy and excited about uni. (Sept 2016) 

Few days ago, the bubble that I so comfortably live up until that moment, became the bane of my existence. Within this bubble, I have become complacent with what I have and just settled. I was complacent with my body, albeit it being seriously unfit and flabby; I was complacent with my current lifestyle and goals, i.e. doing whatever was easiest and most convenient. I wasn't motivated to do anything, my life just lacked that enthusiasm to do something worth that adrenaline pump that I was used to having when I was still competitively fencing.

I was watching Christine Chan's goodbye video and she mentioned that daydreaming is a sign that your body still has a wish to do something different  (p.s. the vid is full of amazing advice!). This longing for excitement was all a daydream until I was woken up.

The woke up call came from an impromptu enrollment to a 3-week health plan with my mentor, Amy. Like any other health plan, you have food diaries, workout plans and a change in lifestyle. However, the one (good) difference is that  there is a community doing this alongside you. The Facebook group is a constant update of seeing other people making that first step to changing their lifestyle and somehow, the competitive spirit inside me woke up. I wanted to show people that I could do it as well.

That's when my enthusiasm started pumping excitement back into my life. I can look forward to a new day of getting my lazy bum off the couch for the day, constantly challenging myself to NOT eat that piece of fried chicken.

I realised that the only thing getting me really excited was changing my body, for the better.

*warning it is going to get real* 

To be honest, I'm quite tired of being called fat or chubby. I've been called that for as long as I remember and I know people talk about my size behind my back (its okay, human tendency). I was busy controlling my acne problem and my weight had to take second priority. I was never the fit one or the better looking one among my friends or family. I am OK with not being a beauty queen, but all I want is for people to stop calling me fat. Anti-body shaming might be campaigning for beauty in all sizes, but lets be real, people still call other people fat. You might tell me that it doesn't matter what other people think, but be in my shoes for 20 years and it might change your mind.

Also, truthfully, I hate feeling unfit and looking at myself in the mirror and not feel happy. I hate feeling too self-conscious about every piece of clothing I wear. That feeling when I can no longer fit into clothes that I used to be able to eats me up inside. I hate always having to brush off body-shaming comments like it didn't hurt. I need to stop being complacent about my body.

 

Me in a much better shape back in 2012/3. Now, I can't even fit into those jeans! :(  

This journey is essentially for my own well-being at the same time silencing those body-shaming friends for once.

I hope you can join me in this journey and give me your love, support and criticism.

What turning 18 meant to me.

It's been a while since I've last entered a journal, be it on paper or online. It's just that overtime, I've gotten so tired of it, tired of me trying to make sense of my life by writing it down, that I just stopped.

Worst decision I ever made, because so many things happened in this year that I should really note down my thoughts but then, most of them were simply not worth reliving into words.

It was still terrible not being able to make my thoughts into words as I felt so lost. I didn't know how I should feel or how I should react. Looking back, I've grown so much from how I used to think and what I wanted to be.

People always say the best way to live is to go through the worst of times. Admittedly, I might sound a bit pretentious for knowing what 'worst of times' really is as clearly, I've never even been in a terrible state enough to call it a tragedy. In this individualistic society that we live in, it is acknowledged that everyone is different and we all have respective high and low points in our lives.

I've had my high and my lowest in the span of 10 months. I went from state fencer with a fairly acceptable body, totally in love with a boy I thought was my everything, family being on great terms with each other to 10kg heavier, single and away from my family (they're still on good terms.. well most of them are anyways) by the next 6 months. I was in denial for a while until I realised how empty I felt when I'm alone but then I learned how to get used to my own company.

Someone wise once said "You'll never get to love and be loved by someone else if you don't love yourself with complete acceptance. Once you can accept yourself for who you are, then only can you love deeply." That woke me up.

I started to enjoy company and also enjoy being in my own thoughts. I started to turn my urge to be creative, even though I know I'm not good at it, through phone photography and laying filters to make it into an image I was happy to post on instagram.

Another thing that I had to learn it the hard way was to not judge people all the time and simply not give a fuck about what they think about you. It is their business how they see you, and you have no part in it. The only thing you can do, and do it well is to be the best version of yourself. Be someone that you will admire. Say nice things, give compliments, ask them how they're doing, make a joke, go out and have a pint. Just enjoy pure human interaction. People are just interesting when you get to know them.

However, I know learned to set limits to the type of people I hang out with and the people I trust. It might be a bit contradicting to my previous point but when it comes to friends, it's all about what feels right. The feeling might not come instantaneously, as I have to find out, but when it comes, you'll know if they're worth staying in touch with after you graduate.

Personally, I've stepped back a bit from social media and exposing my life onto the internet because I'm annoyed at how other people misuse this platform and I just don't want to be part of it. Facebook shares are mostly links to touching videos and statuses are mostly very philosophical or just plain Liza. I hardly ever tweet anymore, insta pics are mostly just snapshots. I think I'm just growing old that's why. Don't really care if I managed to get over 50 likes in this picture etc.

My mind is basically non-stop sentences of things that I've learned and when I thought I'm done, another experience comes up and I want to write about it again. Although I would really like to explore my mind a little deeper, I do have to end this as it's getting incredibly long and it's late.
Early start tomorrow and they closed the bridge that I use as a shortcut to school, so I have to walk a little bit more :/

Anyways, to whoever who made it this far, thank you.

149

I've been so obsessed of having this "like the movies" kind of relationship where feeling happy and loved every single day was expected. I got way over my head thinking those kind of relationship really do exist.

I started picking on small little things that weren't supposed to be part of a "loving" relationship and made those little things seemed like a big problem. I started worrying and becoming a little bit too emotional about it.

I forgot about my principles. I forgot that I promised myself that I won't be that type of girl when it comes to relationship, the type that expects too much from a guy, the "Overly Attached Girlfriend" type. I got too caught up with the idea of a perfect relationship that I wanted my current relationship to be exactly like the idea of a "perfect" relationship that was implanted in my head through chic novels and romantic movies.

It took a hard blow to the head to finally clear my mind. I realized how selfish I have become and that I also lost a part of me in the process. It ached to know that it was too late to undo the damage but I am blessed to have someone who is patient enough to let me fix it.

It's amazing how much I learned from a simple (some said it to be complicated) human interaction.

A guy who calls himself "Master of Love" once said to me:

"Relationships for our age aren't meant to be taken very seriously.. You get into a relationship to know that at the end of any day, someone will always be there to make you feel better."

Some people may interpret it by their own ways, but to me, it made me remember of my promise to myself.

"P"

Finally, after more than 6 months of driving a manual car, renewing my "L", and endless scoldings from my tutor when I let go of the clutch too early/slow. I finally got my driver's license.

To be honest, I was afraid I was going to fail cause my driving is very inconsistent (mainly because of the clutch), but praise the Lord and my guardian angel, I managed to avoid all bumps, metaphorically.

I was kind of expecting a "congratulations on your license" car waiting for me when I got home but like always, life isn't predictable. Instead my dad said that I shouldn't hit the road until after SPM. Well luckily for the countdown I know it is less than 3 months. Oh well.

I'm kind of proud of myself I managed to pass on the first try because a lot of people kind of doubted my ability to drive as my feet can't reach the pedals unless the seat is drawn to the maximum front, and I had to look over the dashboard cause I'm just too short, but screw them. I can drive now.

So to all you guys out there reading, don't let what other people say stop you from getting what you deserve. Look at me, I'm barely 5 feet and although it took me longer than usual, I can finally drive now.

Till next time :)

Exasperated

She is done with herself. 

Why is she still nice to everyone? Why couldn't she come out from hiding? She knew the answer to that. Being nice for her is her only hope, hoping that her friends, family and other people would remember her. It was a slim chance, but she tells herself at least there it is better than nothing.

She couldn't really admit to herself that she's broken. Everyday, she finds something, doesn't matter how dull or interesting it is, she strives for something to talk about or to think about, just something to numb her mind. She knows that once the numbness goes away, the pain and the hurt would just come back and take over. She was afraid of it, so afraid that she couldn't bring herself to tell it to anybody.

Her conscience tells her to talk to somebody. Who could she talk to? Her parents were far too busy to listen, her friends wouldn't know what to say. A counselor might sound like the only choice but who was she kidding? Telling all this to a counselor would only get her sent to the mental institution. She wasn't crazy or anything. She is just hurt.

And so she writes. All her thoughts and her sufferings, all transferred onto an old journal that she found in her late grandfather's box. It was never used so she told herself, "Why not?" Every time this pain and hurt comes and attack her, she writes them down. To her, writing it all down would take the thought out of her mind as it is expressed into words. It sorts her thoughts out, after that, she is able to shut the pain out and starts to numb her mind again with other things.

She hides it well though. She never shows it. There's no point in telling the world she is sad. She can only count on herself to turn the frown upside down. She made it a point that she would never let anyone take away her happiness or stand in her way of feeling happy.

"It's me against this bloody world" is engraved into her mind.

Chapter 17: 20 days and counting

Waddddupppp?!

So following my end-of-2012 post, of course I had to say something about 2013, no matter how much I don't want to think about it, but I had to.

2013 huh, we survived the apocalypse. (I've always wanted to say that)
And because of that, I have to face the biggest exam in my life so far, SPM.
The one exam that will determine the type of university I'll get into and ultimately decide my future. So there's a whole lot going on this year.

Besides the exam, I have SUKMA too. I have set it as my goal to win a medal this year as I know deep down, it would be my last year to qualify for the Malaysian Games.

So in that few short sentences, it is probably clear how heavy this year will be and how I will be stressing about it. But! I decide not to over-stress myself this time around and take one day at a time and just try to enjoy my last year in high school. Yes, it is my last year. *sobs sobs*

Seeing it as I'm turning 17 in 20 days (not really excited about it), I might as well make a few "new year" resolutions for myself, even though I never actually accomplished any resolutions so far.

These are some of them:
1) Eat 5 portion of fruit each day
2) Oats and yoghurt for breakfast
3) Take care of my face
4) Train hard and focus
5) Weekly run at the lake
6) Save money for movies (Despicable Me 2, Monster's Inc. 2, G.I. Joe, Percy Jackson and Disney's version of Star Wars)
7) Be nicer and friendlier to people
8) Just study hard

I could go on and on about my resolutions or goals or whatever you call them but I really don't want to make promises I know I can't keep and one of them would be blogging. I'm not sure if I'll have much time to keep this blog alive but I will really try my best.

In the famous words of Simple Minds,

"Don't you forget about me"

And the world will become your oyster..

Today, I've spent most of my time, besides talking and highlighting pointless statements, well, thinking about my future. I used to be so sure of what I was going to do and where I'm going to be but as my days as a high school student are decreasing, I am not so sure anymore.

I know being only 16, there's still a lot of time, but what if there isn't? By this time next year, applications form have to be submitted and I'll be taking my first steps into the real world.

Where would I be in 5 years? 

We've stepped on this world with a purpose and a mission, we all have our own niche in this world.

Problem is, what is it?

I've always had this feeling deep in my guts telling me that I have to do something big and influential. It's like I'm supposed to do some Superhuman act that can change the world. How crazy is that?

Well, even if it's true, I still don't know what my next step in this world should be. Oh well, I'll just let time tell me then. Hopefully it won't be late.

Day 24: A picture of something you wish you could change.

MY LEGS

You know, being only 153 158 cm tall, you really don't want to look any shorter. Unfortunately, being me, I am stuck with this two big jiggly things that I've been told to call legs. I really wished it could at least be a bit smaller, thinner looking so I won't look like a pear when I wear my jeans. 

But then, everyone's saying "You gotta accept what you've been given with, it's all part of God's plan". Yeah, I know, be grateful.

Honestly, I don't mind if I really have to stick with my thighs and calves for the rest of my life but it would be nice  to be able to buy pants according to your waist size and not the diameter of your thighs (which is always a size bigger!).

The Art Of Rebellion

Well, finally some time to release my thoughts. Been really busy for the past weeks, with inter-class football and Uncle Paul's wedding during the weekend, hadn't had the time really to sit down and blog... until now.

Every teenager has the urge to rebel against the "norms" that society and our parents set. We tend to do things that might annoy and enrage anyone. Truth is, all we want is to be heard, right?
We want to let the world know what we really think. We just need them to listen.

I'm just tired of nodding and reluctantly agreeing to their statements and having to abide to whatever they say without having the chance to express what I really feel. They say we lack experience, that we should respect the elders and listen to them. Isn't respect and listening a two-way thing?

 I have no idea where I'm going with this post. I just thought of the phrase "The Art Of Rebellion", but I couldn't find the right points to elaborate. I'll try to work it out. Maybe.  Inspired mainly by the movie I just finished watching, "Radio Rebel". It was a really nice movie. Always have been a fan of Debby Ryan ever since The Suite Life and the guy in the movie, Gavin, is really good-looking.

My mind can't stop thinking about my Trigo Functions homework and my piano exam this week. I should really do something about it, but the sloth in me just wants to take her time with life.

Sometimes, the sloth in us is right. Slow down and take a deep breath.

Have a wonderful week ahead guys. Enjoy Euro and try not to bet too much. :)

Viva La Espana!

Just stepping aside..

As of now, I am untangled from everything related to schoolwork.
Finals are over *punches fist* and two weeks of break is just what I need.

Not many interesting events happened in the past month. Been going through the same routine everyday, maybe that's why time seems to endlessly go on. Weird, seems like I have lesser things to blog about these days.

BUT NOT FOR LONG :)

Exciting moments waiting to happen!!
Pixie Lott showcase!!! (INFINITY LOVE TO HEIDI)
and of course, Anthony Neely concert!!

Yes, I am definitely very hyper and excited ;)

I guess that's just about it.

Catch you on the flipside :)

Overdue Feelings

There will always be this guy that you can't not have feelings for, no matter how small.
For me, it has happened.

Probably it's because I got too used to liking somebody that when I finally decide not to, the habit doesn't break easily, the need to sneak a peek at him, the thoughts about him that doesn't really matter, the butterflies you expect to get but doesn't really come.... I'm confusing myself even more everyday.

I need a distraction. Perhaps going to London is just one of the getaways I crave for. To get away from all the crap I have been having just to focus on what really matters now.I'm tired of taking crap from anybody and what's up with the "forever alone" tags? *sigh*, the crap I have to endure each day.

Enough about crap. I'm going to focus on my future and hopefully get away as far as possible from here.

I still love my hometown tho'. SABAHAN FOR LIFE. :)

Casa D Liza

                              BEFORE (NOV 2011)                                               AFTER (APRIL 2012)

For the past few months, I have been cleaning my new room (with the help of my cousins) and preparing for the big move. So far, things have been progessing very slow. Furninture only arrving early May so I guess I have to postpone the housewarming party to a later date.

Anyways, I'm very proud of myself and I'm excited to decorate it with the painting I bought with Heidi, Fish and Laura. Yes, we shop for paintings. So yeah, I will post up the most recent photo of my room when I'm done with the final touches.

Excited!! :D