Last glimpse

People always say that you'll move on and that things will become better. Someone even told me that in 3 months' time I would look back and see how ridiculous everything was.

Truth is, it was never ridiculous. Blinded as I may seem, I was truly deeply in love with him. His flaws and his smile, regardless, compelled me into this abyss of feelings that I never thought I was able to experience at such a young age. It was so scary but at the same time, I enjoyed the terror.

I remember riding in the car after school and passing by the old spot to see if he would be standing there. Most of the time he was, and that made my day so much better. There were a few times when I pretended not to see him but immediately regretted it. It felt like a last glimpse of him before I leave the only place I can spend time with him was so crucial in setting my mood when I get home.

Everything he did, I took it to heart. Never have I imagined myself turning into a relationship monster. In retrospect, I was a terrible person. I have set up such high expectations that I blinded myself from what was right in front of me. That moment I knew, there was no going back. The damage has been done and I have no one to blame but me.

Unfortunately, this is life. Things between us will never be the same as before. I just have to accept it and move on. Easier said than done. It took me almost 5 months to finally get my head and heart in line. Of course, its a warm feeling whenever memories from those 12 months flashes back but at the same time, I know there is so much more in store for me. If only I break past my bubble.

We both changed. Last year, it might be the case where we can get through everything together but I guess even our promises have an expiry date. There will never be another you but someone else can also catch my heart.

No matter how much my mind wants to see you for the last time, just like the high school days, but I have to get used to the fact that I don't need you to feel better.

It's time for me to stop counting on the past when the only moments worth hoping for, is the present.

Why can't you see it?

I have just had the pleasure of seeing love coming out from the eyes of a very interesting person. It wasn't in an appropriate situation as the topic of our conversation was actually something totally the opposite. However, for that fraction of time when we happened to stumble upon the unexplainable emotion that every teenager, in fact every human soul, crave to feel, I saw it.

I saw pure love. 

You know how in romantic, sappy movie scenes where you just know that is when the guy falls in love with the girl by just looking at her with such deep affection that every girl would go "Why doesn't any guy look at me like that?!". Well, I saw it today, as he was telling me about her, the way he smiles when he recalls the first day they got together, the things that she does that makes it all (the bad times) worth it. It made me believe that boys are capable of love. They really do. It just has to be with the right girl. Based on that few hours, when a guy finds the right girl, trust me, if he is smart enough, he will hold on to her and never let go. 

It sucks knowing that all the effort that you put in is not reciprocated in the way you expected. Honestly, it is to some extent impossible to return every single favour, but as human beings, we should have the decency to try our best to give back as much as we have received. I mean that is the least we can do. If I were to receive a simple "Thank You" card from someone I have helped, or in modern days a tweet or an instagram dedication, it would be enough for me. 

There is really no reason to not to give back in a way. 

In this modern world of deceit, ambiguity, insecurity, and betrayal, to be able to be loved and to love for who YOU are is one of the greatest things that can happen to us. Yet, some people don't cherish it as much as they should. I didn't. I threw away my source of happiness because I was insecure when all the security and assurance I had was right in front of me and I was too caught up with perfection to notice it. I just don't want anyone to repeat the same mistakes as I did. Don't throw away your happiness, even though it is tough shit at the moment, think about it, you know no matter what, seeing him especially smile for you will make it all worth it. 

Seeing that glow from that someone today made me realise that actions might speak louder than words, but words with promises are the ones that require actions.