The next step.

T-minus 47 days till I sit for SPM. Then less than 30 days after my last paper, I will be off to England. Thinking about leaving home to study scares the hell out of me sometimes.

I will be alone and I won't have any friends on the first day of college. I remember my first day of primary school where I was entering a class full of strangers and I never felt so scared and alone. Way back then, I had my mum to cry to, but when I enter college, I wouldn't have anyone to run to.

I'll be on my own.

I would have to make new friends all by myself and the thought terrifies me.
First days always bring me nightmares.

Okay, now that I've got my fear out of my head, I'll just have to toughen up and be confident.
Who knows? Maybe there is someone out there who is in the exact situation as I am.

So anyone out there who is attending or will be attending CATS, I guess I'll see you there in January :)

Dang it, I'm still nervous.

149

I've been so obsessed of having this "like the movies" kind of relationship where feeling happy and loved every single day was expected. I got way over my head thinking those kind of relationship really do exist.

I started picking on small little things that weren't supposed to be part of a "loving" relationship and made those little things seemed like a big problem. I started worrying and becoming a little bit too emotional about it.

I forgot about my principles. I forgot that I promised myself that I won't be that type of girl when it comes to relationship, the type that expects too much from a guy, the "Overly Attached Girlfriend" type. I got too caught up with the idea of a perfect relationship that I wanted my current relationship to be exactly like the idea of a "perfect" relationship that was implanted in my head through chic novels and romantic movies.

It took a hard blow to the head to finally clear my mind. I realized how selfish I have become and that I also lost a part of me in the process. It ached to know that it was too late to undo the damage but I am blessed to have someone who is patient enough to let me fix it.

It's amazing how much I learned from a simple (some said it to be complicated) human interaction.

A guy who calls himself "Master of Love" once said to me:

"Relationships for our age aren't meant to be taken very seriously.. You get into a relationship to know that at the end of any day, someone will always be there to make you feel better."

Some people may interpret it by their own ways, but to me, it made me remember of my promise to myself.

You know what sucks?

Wanting to go where ever you want but you can't because you have not gotten your license yet.

But you know what sucks even more?

Wanting to go where ever you want but still can't even though you already have your license.

From the previous post, you would know that I was excited about finally getting my driver's license. I expected that I would be able to drive to school, the state library and to training on a daily basis. In reality however, I got my license card 2 weeks late and my dad only allow me to drive around the housing area with supervision. Like driving around houses would let me get a taste of how actual driving is.. bitch please.

Maybe you'll say, "Hey, at least he lets you drive.." and think that I'm being over-dramatic about this but what if you hear your own brother saying this:

"Hey, maybe soon I'll see you on the obituary page" *laughs*

and my dad still defending him (after I scolded him for being insensible) saying that I should be forgiving and caring because I am a follower of Christ and that I shouldn't take what he said into heart.

What's the point of paying RM1,500 for my driving lessons and exams only to not let me drive in the end? And what's the point of passing the exam and still getting laughed at for being a terrible driver when you haven't even seen me drive?!

Even my tutor said I am steady enough to drive and still my brother has to make fun of my driving as if he knows how I drive. He couldn't even tell the difference between forty thousand and four thousand and he is TWELVE. What's even worse is having my parents backing him up and saying I always remember the negative parts of life and not the positive part.

Honestly, I just want him to shut the fuck up and think before he speaks because when he enters high school while shit still flowing through his mouth, he would have a bad time.

Still, my dad will forever stand by his side because my little brother is an angel to him and probably seemed like the only child among the siblings who would want to follow in his footsteps in becoming a lawyer and hopefully a politician.

Biased family is biased.

Shouldn't even be online now, but since I deleted my Twitter app, this seemed like the only place for me to rant. Having a history test tomorrow, probably should start studying. 

Sigh, I can never win an argument with my dad. 

Till whenever I see you. xx