Post Drama Depression

In my very short years into being fans of Asian drama, I have skipped endless hours of beauty sleep to finish watching the series. Only a few managed to get me into PDD (post drama depression). As the amount of time needed to recover from this period takes a lot of time and often draining out my energy, I have given myself a limit as to how many I should watch at a time (only one) and how long should I give myself time to watch one series.

I am suffering from my life's biggest PDD ever. All thanks to an alien and Asia's no.1 actress.

This drama probably affected me a lot as I myself am going through emotional problems right now. When Du Min Jun said the final line of the series: "I'm home.", my heart immediately sank and I "lost all will to live". I wanted to escape into their world to be part of their story. I want to know if they would have 7 kids and 5 dogs.

I would probably sulk and rant for a few days. I know I will get over it. I have to.. there are other dramas demanded to be watched.

Things I can't write in my personal statement

Most AS students would normally fill their summer before the A2 year with activities that might help them with their personal statements like work experience, or catching up on that "recommended" reading list.

I planned to do that, too. However, things never go as planned.

The freedom I thought I would have when I reached home is all but a reality.

Coming back after being abroad for 6 months altered my perception of my home ground. The mindset of the people and the culture here is totally different than what I experienced back in the UK. I cannot necessarily say which culture is the better one as both have their flaws too. As I was alone overseas, the only type of people that I spend time with are my friends. Here, I had to choose between family and friends.

Being Asian (strong family ties etc), I was brought up to always put family first. Most of the times I chose to go with the idea, but then there are times when I wanted to contradict this concept. Unfortunately, to pay the price for sticking with my own blood, I had to stand at the sidelines *Snapchats*  to watch my friends enjoy themselves.

Old people like to say that all these "having fun" is not worth it and that I should do more productive things. I just think that they are being unfair as they had the chance to "have fun" while I don't. Thing is, where I am from, in 3 months time, most of my high school friends would be overseas. Everyone will not be in the same place. I have a few who are already overseas and the few days that they were back, I couldn't even meet up with them because I had to "stay at home".

Is this how it's like to grow up, having to choose between what you have to do and what you want to do?

As the elder one in the family, I am expected to be the better example for my younger siblings. I tried to do my best to show them that there are times when family should come first. However, seems like the few times I choose not to do so, I am immediately pointed out for contradicting myself, but then they are allowed to do things this 18 year old couldn't do.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have come home.

Going into my first month of summer, I learned to stand up for myself and not be too reserved. I learned to accept the fact that friends can have fun with other friends and that I can too. I learned (the hard way) that by not saying what you want to say, you would end up regretting it for a very long time. Finally, I learned that not getting your way is the first step of learning how to get your way.

I wished the UCAS would accept this but in reality, I do still need work experience to get into the good universities! Commence job hunting.

Sunshine and Mosquitos

Finally back on home soil!

To be fair, I kept my arrival pretty secret from my friends and some of my family. I felt like I didn't want to make a big deal out of it so I told them I was arriving at a later date. Turns out my plan to surprise them backfired as they got kind of mad when they saw me 10 days before I was expected to arrive.

I'm not sure if I am happy or relieved to be back. Happy because I know that I can sleep in and choose not to do anything school related for the day or relieved that I don't have to worry about money anymore. Finances always scare me.

It feels so weird now that when I was catching up with a few friends that I realised some of my schoolmates were either leaving soon or have already left. It's weird that just last year, I used to see them 6 days a week for 8 hours a day in school and now, I hardly get to spend 20 mins with some of them. I guess this is what happens after high school. I do get a sense of relief that even though we haven't seen each other in months, we could still talk like how we used to, and that makes me feel at home.

Friendships are so hard to keep. It's so easy for people to just lose contact. Although there's all these social media sites to keep their contacts in store but really, who has the time now to private message someone from the past? Liking an instagram picture hardly counts as "still in touch".

Deep down I know who is worth the late night yumchas and the early morning runs with. I just hope I'm like that to them to.

Anyways, enjoying all the Vitamin D and the excess UV rays here. Hoping to get a tan! Also, the mosquitos must've missed my blood so much that they can't get enough of it. Tropical life. *pun intended*

Personal statement should be the last thing on my mind.

Last glimpse

People always say that you'll move on and that things will become better. Someone even told me that in 3 months' time I would look back and see how ridiculous everything was.

Truth is, it was never ridiculous. Blinded as I may seem, I was truly deeply in love with him. His flaws and his smile, regardless, compelled me into this abyss of feelings that I never thought I was able to experience at such a young age. It was so scary but at the same time, I enjoyed the terror.

I remember riding in the car after school and passing by the old spot to see if he would be standing there. Most of the time he was, and that made my day so much better. There were a few times when I pretended not to see him but immediately regretted it. It felt like a last glimpse of him before I leave the only place I can spend time with him was so crucial in setting my mood when I get home.

Everything he did, I took it to heart. Never have I imagined myself turning into a relationship monster. In retrospect, I was a terrible person. I have set up such high expectations that I blinded myself from what was right in front of me. That moment I knew, there was no going back. The damage has been done and I have no one to blame but me.

Unfortunately, this is life. Things between us will never be the same as before. I just have to accept it and move on. Easier said than done. It took me almost 5 months to finally get my head and heart in line. Of course, its a warm feeling whenever memories from those 12 months flashes back but at the same time, I know there is so much more in store for me. If only I break past my bubble.

We both changed. Last year, it might be the case where we can get through everything together but I guess even our promises have an expiry date. There will never be another you but someone else can also catch my heart.

No matter how much my mind wants to see you for the last time, just like the high school days, but I have to get used to the fact that I don't need you to feel better.

It's time for me to stop counting on the past when the only moments worth hoping for, is the present.

Why can't you see it?

I have just had the pleasure of seeing love coming out from the eyes of a very interesting person. It wasn't in an appropriate situation as the topic of our conversation was actually something totally the opposite. However, for that fraction of time when we happened to stumble upon the unexplainable emotion that every teenager, in fact every human soul, crave to feel, I saw it.

I saw pure love. 

You know how in romantic, sappy movie scenes where you just know that is when the guy falls in love with the girl by just looking at her with such deep affection that every girl would go "Why doesn't any guy look at me like that?!". Well, I saw it today, as he was telling me about her, the way he smiles when he recalls the first day they got together, the things that she does that makes it all (the bad times) worth it. It made me believe that boys are capable of love. They really do. It just has to be with the right girl. Based on that few hours, when a guy finds the right girl, trust me, if he is smart enough, he will hold on to her and never let go. 

It sucks knowing that all the effort that you put in is not reciprocated in the way you expected. Honestly, it is to some extent impossible to return every single favour, but as human beings, we should have the decency to try our best to give back as much as we have received. I mean that is the least we can do. If I were to receive a simple "Thank You" card from someone I have helped, or in modern days a tweet or an instagram dedication, it would be enough for me. 

There is really no reason to not to give back in a way. 

In this modern world of deceit, ambiguity, insecurity, and betrayal, to be able to be loved and to love for who YOU are is one of the greatest things that can happen to us. Yet, some people don't cherish it as much as they should. I didn't. I threw away my source of happiness because I was insecure when all the security and assurance I had was right in front of me and I was too caught up with perfection to notice it. I just don't want anyone to repeat the same mistakes as I did. Don't throw away your happiness, even though it is tough shit at the moment, think about it, you know no matter what, seeing him especially smile for you will make it all worth it. 

Seeing that glow from that someone today made me realise that actions might speak louder than words, but words with promises are the ones that require actions. 

The Stress of Choice

Been three months into college and there are days where I have to let everything sink in. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm studying in Cambridge and that I'm going to university in less than 18 months.

UNIVERSITY.

For so long, it has always been a distant dream. Now, I have been spending time researching universities, their requirements for different courses and scholarships available. My UCAS list have been changing every time I find another university that offer better courses, have better facilities etc.

In retrospect, my obsession with getting into Oxbridge was mainly to make my dad proud (and also to impress people *people pleaser*). As of now, I don't really see the necessity of getting into them. I would still consider applying for either one (UCAS only allow application for one of the two), but chances are very slim. Mainly because only about 11% of applicants (for Psychology, varies for other subjects) get accepted, and from that number, only 15% are international students. The thought of it stresses me out enough already.

I know it is still early to be talking about university, seeing as the AS exam is 62 days away.. still far.

Anyways, I do have some advice for those (especially my sister) who are planning (or are going) to do A-levels in the UK:-

• Make sure your subject choices are relevant for the course you want to do in Uni. (Remember: Maths is considered a science subject) 
• In choosing where to study, location, teaching faculty and student support are key aspects to consider. You don't want to go to a college where you are not happy with it, there is really no point. 
• Don't fuss too much about how the accommodation is like. As long as there is WiFi and a kitchen, it's good enough.
• Scared that you won't make friends? Don't worry, you won't be the only one. Just have the guts to say "Hi." Common conversation starters: "Where are you from?" "What subjects are you taking?" or even "What do you think of the weather?"
• Start learning how to budget and manage your time well! Mummy won't be there to nag you to take your shower or to study. DO IT YOURSELF. 

I guess that's the best I can say right now. I'm also trying to follow my own advice, especially the last one. Physics mock tomorrow! Alright, hitting the books now. 

Thoughts and prayers going out to families and friends of those on board the MH370. Be strong. 

Sincerest gratitude to all nations who are helping out to locate the passenger jet. Ribuan terima kasih. 

Stressed.

As per normal, I am here to let off some steam.
I am becoming more and more stressed out as the mocks' are drawing near. Even though the syllabus only cover the topic that have been taught up until now, I still feel overwhelmed by the amount I have to revise.

Come to think of it, the whole thing is the least of my worries.

Money bothers me. Feelings bothers me.

Financially, I am incapable of managing my money. I was so looking forward to watch the 2014 Oscars online only to end up paying 3 quids for a subscription to the worst online movie site ever. Then, only to spend another 1 quid to cancel the damn account. Fml. I really try to save up knowing the situation my family is in.

Then the emotions never failed to stir up my already fucked up life. Just as I was comfortably living in loneliness, all external elements that I tried my best to avoid, just comes in all at once enveloping my whole soul into emotional turmoil, as if I'm not messed up enough.

Why I entangle myself into this mess, however, is a question I can never answer fully with honesty.

I am my worst critic, at the same time, my most loyal fan.

The headaches are back. The pain is back. When will it ever go away?

Distant

For the last 5 months of 2013, I have gone through a terrible time emotionally. It was those kind of phases where I never want to relive again so I stored them in a mental safe box in my mind and vowed to never open it.

Then I came here to start everything from scratch, only to find out that, I'm not over that terrible phase yet. Although I am almost out but there are times where I just sit down and mope about it. Pathetic I know, but I can't help it. I want to know how he is doing, if he is okay. Pretty shitty feeling to be honest. 

I am lucky enough to find someone else who understands this here though I hardly bring him (ex) up because I knew it wouldn't be fair for this new guy. A close friend of mine told me I was moving too quick and my friends here said that I have to be sure about my feelings and make sure that he was not just a.. rebound, as it wouldn't be fair to him (new guy) right?

Took me a really long time and really deep thinking to realise that they may be right.

Then, he blew me away. It felt like I was happier and more comfortable with the new guy now. 

But the past still haunts me. I don't want to lose another friend.

I guess the reason why I'm still partially clinging onto the past is that I didn't really have a proper closure about it. It was kind of a cliff hanger and I needed to end it. Tried many times to initiate "closure" but it never worked out. The other party just couldn't give two shits about this. I guess we can't be 100% satisfied with our past. 

Hello from the UK.

It seems like the older I got, the faster time passed by. 

What felt like seconds, in reality is actually 3 weeks. Almost getting through my first month as a college student in a foreign land. So far, it is going well.

In my previous post, I did mention that I was terrified about starting school all alone, friendless. To be frank, I really was. My first two nights in the hostel were mostly spent inside my room, whatsapping family and friends back home, feeling homesick and alone. 

As induction came along, manged to make a few friends who later became my good friends here in college.

I guess my only advice to those going to a foreign land for studying or are just in a completely new environment, is to not to be shy to say "Hi." That's how I met most of my friends here. 

I guess it just takes your guts to muster out a single "Hello" to really increase your chances of meeting really interesting and nice people. That is what I learned so far here at CATS.

Turning 18 in England (also my first birthday away from home) was really nice. There wasn't a big celebration but my new friends here made me so happy with their wishes and gifts (though they didn't have to get me anything). Of course, the peeps back home outdid themselves this year with all the explicit and sweet wishes. Truly truly blessed. 

Well I will try to keep this blog alive because doing 5 terms A levels is kind of a challenge as I have to finish my AS syllabus in two terms instead of three! Well, I guess I can cope as I'm taking Maths, Physics and Sociology. A balance on both calculations and writing. 

Ah well, that's all for now. 

Cheerios! (Haha, so English lol)