Becoming a Bachelor

  A bachelor of science.

'I finished uni!' 

Title: The Ups and Downs of Final Year

I've made it, to the end of my degree. It has been a roller coaster ride filled with emotions, triumphs and downfalls. Most of you have been with me for parts of the ride, cheering me on and sharing your stories as well. For that, I am so blessed to be supported by each and every one of you.

I would also like to address a few typical post-grad questions here so (hopefully) I won't have to repeat myself so much when people ask me, I could just direct them to this post or maybe, you've read this and know better than to ask.

Q1: So what's your plan?

Okay, I know it is only natural to ask a soon-to-be graduate this but boy, it can get frustrating trying to answer this repeatedly. So here's a short answer: I don't know.
I have a few ideas but I'm still waiting to hear back from a few people so I don't want to confirm what my actual plans are.
In the long term, I would like to be a consulting psychologist. Psychology, mental health and performance (sport, music, business, military etc) is where I'd like to be involved in so anything I'll do in the future would include a few aspects of these 3 areas.

Another, perhaps slightly different area I'd like to be a part of is in saving the earth (or rather the human race) from climate change. Sometimes, I have this existential crisis where I'd ask myself "Nature is being destroyed by human activity and all I can think of is earning money?" and feel helpless in not knowing what I can do. Sure, I'm trying my best as an individual to be more green but I've realised that trying to convince people to change their deep-rooted habits (using plastic, eating meat) is an extremely challenging task and getting society to change (infrastructure, legislation etc) is a whole other mountain to climb. Again, I don't know. If anyone has any ideas or people I can talk to, let me know.

Q2: Are you planning to work in Malaysia or somewhere else?

Currently, I would like to return home and work for the time being. I miss my family so much and after spending majority of the past 5 years in the UK, I think it's time I head home. I want to spend time with my parents, my long-time friends and most importantly, spoil my cousin's children. I also miss good Malaysian food (duh).
I would not rule out moving abroad for work or even to do my masters but that's still up in the air. So for now, I'm heading home.

Q3: You couldn't get a job in the UK?

It's not that jobs are difficult to find, it's just so much more of a hassle. I wouldn't say that UK employers are making it hard for international students to find a job because of the Tier 2 visa (i.e. UK's working permit for non-EU/UK). In all honesty, I just didn't want to put in the effort because I knew it wasn't worth it for me. The jobs that are able to sponsor Tier 2 visas are not what I want to do and if it is something I'd love to do, chances are, they don't sponsor Tier 2 visa. I know I can dig deeper and something will pop out but I also want to go home. Yes, 'earning in pounds' is much better economically, but if I commit to a job that I don't like doing, what's the point?
Also, if I were to get a Tier 2 sponsored job that I love, I would most likely move to another town. It's just another round of settling down but this time, there might not even be a community of Malaysians that I could be part of or a family friend close by. That, is very important to me. Moving to Bath, I knew I could visit my family and friends in Oxford easily and there is a Malaysian society at university. People will say that I can always make new friends and make home out of a unfamiliar place but mentally, I don't think I am ready for that. Like I said before, I'm ready to go home.

Q4: Would you go into politics?

No. There are many reasons why I don't want to but to save time, I just don't think it is for me. My calling in life is to help people and I don't think being involved in politics is the way to go. For me, there's too much people pleasing, bureaucracy and arguing involved. Not my cup of tea. I mean I'm happy to work with politicians because they make the rules but to be one, I'd rather leave that post for someone more competent.

Q5: So, can you give me counselling sessions (for free)? 

No, graduating with a BSc in Psychology does not make me a counsellor. I'm not trained to provide professional advice and its unethical for me to do so. I'd like to undergo training for basic counselling soon so maybe ask me after that? Also, please don't ask for free sessions (I know most people who ask, can afford it). Like any other service, people spend money and time becoming qualified so its only right that there should be a form of payment. Only in special circumstance will I even consider giving out free sessions but again, I'm not qualified yet so I can't say much on this.


End of FAQs!
These are just some of the questions I'm already getting regarding my post-grad plans. I had time to think about the answers so I hope they're satisfactory.

Posing like how I danced around those questions

I've thought about why the title is 'Bachelor of Science' because in the context of job market, one becomes an eligible bachelor waiting to commit to a job. Like any relationship, to be successful, one should be believe and be comfortable in doing that job while at the same time be challenging for potential self-growth. Ha, funny that.

Again, I would like to thank all my family, friends, housemates, coursemates and everyone in between for their support during my university years. I hope I continue to still have this love as I go into the next phase of my life.

Love,
Liza x

My biggest flaw

Well, it has been awhile since I last wrote. Things just happened and personally, I have been going through quite a few things. Only recently have I found time to really have a think about it and reflect - you all know I love to reflect.

My go-to reflection pose.

For the sake of continuity, I do have to acknowledge the aftermath of the events in my previous post. Despite not being able to send my vote in back in time, Malaysians pulled through and we have a new government. Well, that's a loosely said term as there are a few of MPs, Cabinet Ministers who were part of the old ruling government at one point - my father included. However, their old affiliations aside, they are working under a different party and different vision now so we all can say that it is indeed a new Malaysia, which is a great start. There is such a long road ahead and we don't only need to be patient but we need to work hard as well. We, the country, the people and the government. That's all I should say on this matter, say too much and I might end up saying the wrong things.

Now back to my personal life (isn't it the main purpose of this online journal?). Placement is over! It feels weird because it is like I didn't really leave the placement because I feel like I'm still part of the project or like the project is still part of me. Is this getting too hippy-ish? It was such a great experience doing research work because I knew the impact it could make, granted you talk to the right person and ask the right questions. It got me excited about the science of learning the unknown. We can argue the whole day on whether psychology (or any social science for the matter) is a science or not but the fact that the field has enlightened us on various aspects of human behaviour and  interactions, that has to be something worth taking seriously, no? Placement has taught me so much about academia and my field and Bristol has taught me so much about myself. It was definitely a year of growth and challenges.. and it isn't over yet!

This is because there is the reality of going into my final year of university! Every now and again for the past few months, I get a mini panic attack whenever I think about doing final year, needing to apply for jobs and maintaining a good enough grades in order to apply for jobs. I start to wonder 'will I be good enough to work?' 'will I survive the "real world"?' 'will I ever earn enough to feed myself?' and the panic sets in like custard on bread pudding. As busy as I try to be this whole summer, now and again when I get those quiet times to 'reflect on life', these thoughts come floating in like Queen Bey in any red carpet event. Frankly, it scares me. I sometimes think that maybe I want to do a Masters or PhD is because I don't want to enter the corporate world and succumb to the capitalist way of earning money - working for the 'big guys' or start my own business/clinic/talk show because I'm terribly afraid of actually failing. Then I think back to the conversation I had with a very wise friend who asked me, "Why are you so afraid of failing? Everyone who succeed in life have failed and they are not afraid to admit it. Why do you think you can succeed without failing?" It was at that time I realised my biggest flaw, I'm scared of not making it the first time around.

Somehow I've managed to latch onto the belief that I either succeed on the first try or I don't at all. That manifested into a subtle but convoluted need to be in control of everything, including the parts that I have no control over. Not so funnily enough, this narrative dominated me despite watching or hearing about other people's journey to success, which included multiple failures. I have no answer as to why I think like this, some say it is the Asian mentality (again, a loose term) but I like to think it is entirely my own expectations about myself. Shaped by my previous experiences, my surroundings and the people I hang out with, I created an impossible goal: to get life right on the first try. I'm not blaming anyone, it is entirely down to the perception of my own brain.

It's not like I've ever succeeded on my first try. I failed to get on the state fencing team on my first try, I didn't get the job from my first placement interview, heck I've even failed to bake bread properly on my first try. So why do I think I need to do it right the first time? Is it to proof something to someone? To stand out in a crowd? JE NE SAIS PAS!! I thought writing about it will eventually give me some ideas but as you've read so far, I still have no clue.

What I do realise though is that this is the challenge I have to truly overcome. Failing the first time. I don't think real life experience from others alone will do it, I need to experience it myself. It is a tough situation to put myself in but I just have to. I'm not saying that I'll be actively seeking out failure, that's easy, all I have to do is to attempt cycling. I just need to put myself out there when the time comes.

Wish me luck.

Don't matter now

'It's okay to remove yourself from the world sometimes' was what I remembered George Ezra saying when he introduced his new song during his Top Secret Tour show in Bath (in pic).

It makes perfect sense.

I have been on summer holiday for slightly over a month now but it has only struck me that I'm already half-way through my degree. That realization hit me when I have finally settled down in my cosy little flat in Bristol and completed a temporary staff application for my placement in UWE as a research assistant. I just went, 'One more year after this and I'm graduating.' That thought led me to all my seniors who have recently received their final results and will be making their way to Bath Abbey to officially be a graduate. These people that I've hung out with on a regular basis are now leaving and that thought saddens me. Interestingly, it got me anxious as well, not for them, but for myself. In two years, I have to decide whether I want to officially enter the 'real world' or stay in academia. It is definitely a decision I will find the hardest to make. I found myself getting stressed out about this and then I had to catch myself. I know that two years is not a long time but then again, it is.

A lot has happened in the last year, who knows what can happen in the next two? Things might change, I may not want to be a sports psychologist anymore *18 year old me gasps*. Funny to think how determined I was to want to be a sports psychologist 3 years ago and knowing now that I don't really know. I guess, that's what university is supposed to do to you: slowly question your life's choices, out of curiosity of course (in the best of times). Now, tell me how could I avoid the anxiety bubbling underneath my mask of calamity?

The short answer: "It don't matter now". Geoff was right, sometimes I need to unplug the phone and lock myself up in the room and just relax. It is the summer holidays, and as university students, we can afford to not do anything productive to make up for the weekends spent finishing an assignment or catching up with lectures. Yes, internships in the summer are 'great work experience' but spending time with family and doing some self-growth are equally important.

While walking around Oxford today, I realized how I was so used to walking fast for commuting sake that I was uncomfortable at walking at a tourist pace. But the slower pace meant that I could really soak in the sun (yes, it was one of those rare sunny days today) and enjoy being in a wonderful city. I guess that's what I need now, some decrease in velocity in my life. Time itself is never going to slow down but if we pace ourselves, we can make that time more valuable. Like recovering from a heartbreak, you could either spend days on the couch eating ice cream or you could channel that energy into creating something substantial.

It would be nice to end this entry with a witty, insightful quote but I'd just urge you to listen to George's "Don't Matter Now" because it is good. 

LM x