My journey with Son-Rise

'Do you know what Son-Rise is about?'

'No, but I know I want to be part of it.'

 So today was my last session with Colm before I start revising for exams and then start my placement. It was a great session and one of my favourites cause I get to just chat with him. We talked about playing pranks on my siblings, (air)guns and fireworks. Reminded me so much of our first session together in October. So much has changed.

Before I go on, I do think some clarification would help you, the readers, understand the context. Son-Rise is a programme designed for parents with autistic children to do home-run sessions. It preaches love, full acceptance and all-round happiness. Colm is one of the children under the programme and I volunteer twice a week for a 2-hour session to be in the playroom with him. While it is child-centred, it is my role to encourage him to engage in more social actions that will help him socialise with his peers. Personally, I'd like to see it as 'invite, join & celebrate with energy, enthusiasm and excitement'. I also get weekly feedback sessions to help guide me in my following sessions. If you'd like to know more, I'd urge you to visit www.autismtreatmentcentre.org for more info, or talk to me so I can direct you to the right information/books/videos.

Alright, I hope by now you would get a rough idea of how I've been spending my Wednesdays and Thursdays mornings.

The past 6 months have been rough: emotionally, physically and academically. Son-Rise taught me how to get through it by just being comfortable with myself. I know, it sounds very 'what? makes no sense'-ish but it worked. I learned that by accepting my limitations and understanding that sometimes, I just need to take a deep breath has got me through toughest of times. For example, running the Malaysian Students' society can drain the energy out of you and mistakes happen. Old Liza would beat herself up about it saying how I wasn't good enough and that I've failed. The feeling of remorse, guilt and feeding off my members' frustrations and disappointments can get in my head. However, learning to be comfortable meant that I could see my failure as just that: an event that was out of my control and that I'm still okay (and amazing). It is a tough muscle to work on (harder than abs!) as it is so easy to just criticize yourself and pull yourself down, better you than other people right? Wrong.
Thing is, being in the playroom with Colm, I know that I am the only person who has the control of how I feel. Why should Colm's (non)reaction to my stories reflect how I feel about myself? Thing is, it shouldn't. Whatever Colm does has nothing to do with how he thinks of me and importantly, how I think of me. I think that is one of the biggest lesson I've learned.. and still continue to internalise.
As long as I'm happy with myself, life just seems brigher, despite the thunderstorms. Rainy days can be just as beautiful.

Other than loving myself, I also realised that I can decide to love someone unconditionally, imperfections and all. While I might not know Colm as well as his family, it still warms my heart whenever he chooses to tell me something about one of his guns and hilarious stories. I was not short of intense moments as well but those moments gave me a chance to work on the 'comfortable with myself' muscle. I've also learned so much from him as Colm is very knowledgable from fly fishing to DIY fireworks, every day I learn something new. Sessions with him are never boring.

There is just so much love in this programme. Madeleine, Emily and Ross are always just oozing with love and it is hard to refuse that intense volume of oxytoxin. They were never short of celebrations for everything, even for the little things. It makes you feel really good and you just want to celebrate each other. I still struggle with expressing my emotions clearly as you know, asian upbringing = emotion suppression (it's true) but rest assured, I'm inner-celebrating you, my family and friends!!

I would like to invite everyone here to learn more about Son-Rise and get in touch with families running them!

It was such a rewarding experience and I know this is not the final goodbye to Son-Rise or Team Colm.

Here are some links/books that you can check out if you are interested:

Colm's Awesome Adventure with Autism (FB page link)
Son-Rise Books:
Autism Breakthrough (good for parents with austistic kids)
Happiness is a choice (personal favourite, highly recommend)

21 and (learning to be) responsible

2017 has been.. eventful.

Turning 21 sort of catapulted myself into a series of self-reflections and re-prioritisation. I spent a lot of time thinking about the goals that I want to set for myself. Other than completing the Bath Half in 2hours and 30minutes, I wanted something else that I could constantly hold myself accountable.

I realised that I was being too hard on myself. Granted, there were days when I allowed the occasional ice cream treat and skipping that scheduled run but afterwards, I gave myself a hard time for having a relaxed time. It is toxic and on most occasion counter-productive as I'll then stress too much about having a hard time and end up not doing anything. The cycle continues.

I have been trying to not be so hard on myself and my failure to do certain things. Thanks to Son-Rise, I have the most supportive group in this area. So incredibly grateful for them. Like the BathHalf, it is a challenge that I'm taking it day by day.

Other than this personal struggle, I am strapped for cash. Too strapped. I had to temporarily stop my part-time work to focus on my degree because I know, from experience that juggling too much will be the death of me. This time, I was scared I might've pushed myself over the edge if I continued to deny the fact that I can't do everything at once.
With a tight budget comes the trouble that is cancelling already made plans and disappointing people. It is hard and heartbreaking to be the one to cancel a weekend of fun but it wasn't worth me sacrificing one month's grocery money on. Truly living the ultimate student budget life and this time I'm not just saying it. If only I could juggle work and study during a hectic deadline schedule, I would. Unfortunately, I wasn't born with expert time managing skills so tough calls had to be made.

Don't feel sorry for me though. It is not my intention to elicit empathy from you, the reader. It is instead a self-reminder that this is a tough lesson that I have to embrace and learn from it.

Speaking of study, another realisation that dawned upon me is that I absolutely suck at academic writing. I thought I was getting better after the feedback in first year but I just come to realise that I just simply can't 'critically discuss' anything. It scares me because that is the whole core of my degree, is to be able to 'critically discuss' and have a coherent argument. Trust me, it is not like I have given up trying, I TRY to sound succinct and critical in my writing but in the feedback I always seem to 'lack coherent arguments'. UGH. As much as I love blogging and reading, academic writing is just not for me.

Having said that, I will have to power through my degree and the rest of my academic life if I ever were to be able to open my own practice. I can't go on getting 2:2s for my reports now can I? That's a C in school-terms and the Asian in me, as much as I hate the stereotype, just cannot have it.

Well, finally got that off my chest. I can finally focus on my 4 essays now. *JOY*

So goals for the year:
1. Not set hair on fire
2. Get financially stable (student standards)
3. Self-discipline
4. Be OK
5. Book sessions with the writing centre and be decent in academic writing.

Wish me luck.