It's been a while since I've last entered a journal, be it on paper or online. It's just that overtime, I've gotten so tired of it, tired of me trying to make sense of my life by writing it down, that I just stopped.
Worst decision I ever made, because so many things happened in this year that I should really note down my thoughts but then, most of them were simply not worth reliving into words.
It was still terrible not being able to make my thoughts into words as I felt so lost. I didn't know how I should feel or how I should react. Looking back, I've grown so much from how I used to think and what I wanted to be.
People always say the best way to live is to go through the worst of times. Admittedly, I might sound a bit pretentious for knowing what 'worst of times' really is as clearly, I've never even been in a terrible state enough to call it a tragedy. In this individualistic society that we live in, it is acknowledged that everyone is different and we all have respective high and low points in our lives.
I've had my high and my lowest in the span of 10 months. I went from state fencer with a fairly acceptable body, totally in love with a boy I thought was my everything, family being on great terms with each other to 10kg heavier, single and away from my family (they're still on good terms.. well most of them are anyways) by the next 6 months. I was in denial for a while until I realised how empty I felt when I'm alone but then I learned how to get used to my own company.
Someone wise once said "You'll never get to love and be loved by someone else if you don't love yourself with complete acceptance. Once you can accept yourself for who you are, then only can you love deeply." That woke me up.
I started to enjoy company and also enjoy being in my own thoughts. I started to turn my urge to be creative, even though I know I'm not good at it, through phone photography and laying filters to make it into an image I was happy to post on instagram.
Another thing that I had to learn it the hard way was to not judge people all the time and simply not give a fuck about what they think about you. It is their business how they see you, and you have no part in it. The only thing you can do, and do it well is to be the best version of yourself. Be someone that you will admire. Say nice things, give compliments, ask them how they're doing, make a joke, go out and have a pint. Just enjoy pure human interaction. People are just interesting when you get to know them.
However, I know learned to set limits to the type of people I hang out with and the people I trust. It might be a bit contradicting to my previous point but when it comes to friends, it's all about what feels right. The feeling might not come instantaneously, as I have to find out, but when it comes, you'll know if they're worth staying in touch with after you graduate.
Personally, I've stepped back a bit from social media and exposing my life onto the internet because I'm annoyed at how other people misuse this platform and I just don't want to be part of it. Facebook shares are mostly links to touching videos and statuses are mostly very philosophical or just plain Liza. I hardly ever tweet anymore, insta pics are mostly just snapshots. I think I'm just growing old that's why. Don't really care if I managed to get over 50 likes in this picture etc.
My mind is basically non-stop sentences of things that I've learned and when I thought I'm done, another experience comes up and I want to write about it again. Although I would really like to explore my mind a little deeper, I do have to end this as it's getting incredibly long and it's late.
Early start tomorrow and they closed the bridge that I use as a shortcut to school, so I have to walk a little bit more :/
Anyways, to whoever who made it this far, thank you.
