It makes perfect sense.
I have been on summer holiday for slightly over a month now but it has only struck me that I'm already half-way through my degree. That realization hit me when I have finally settled down in my cosy little flat in Bristol and completed a temporary staff application for my placement in UWE as a research assistant. I just went, 'One more year after this and I'm graduating.' That thought led me to all my seniors who have recently received their final results and will be making their way to Bath Abbey to officially be a graduate. These people that I've hung out with on a regular basis are now leaving and that thought saddens me. Interestingly, it got me anxious as well, not for them, but for myself. In two years, I have to decide whether I want to officially enter the 'real world' or stay in academia. It is definitely a decision I will find the hardest to make. I found myself getting stressed out about this and then I had to catch myself. I know that two years is not a long time but then again, it is.
A lot has happened in the last year, who knows what can happen in the next two? Things might change, I may not want to be a sports psychologist anymore *18 year old me gasps*. Funny to think how determined I was to want to be a sports psychologist 3 years ago and knowing now that I don't really know. I guess, that's what university is supposed to do to you: slowly question your life's choices, out of curiosity of course (in the best of times). Now, tell me how could I avoid the anxiety bubbling underneath my mask of calamity?
The short answer: "It don't matter now". Geoff was right, sometimes I need to unplug the phone and lock myself up in the room and just relax. It is the summer holidays, and as university students, we can afford to not do anything productive to make up for the weekends spent finishing an assignment or catching up with lectures. Yes, internships in the summer are 'great work experience' but spending time with family and doing some self-growth are equally important.
While walking around Oxford today, I realized how I was so used to walking fast for commuting sake that I was uncomfortable at walking at a tourist pace. But the slower pace meant that I could really soak in the sun (yes, it was one of those rare sunny days today) and enjoy being in a wonderful city. I guess that's what I need now, some decrease in velocity in my life. Time itself is never going to slow down but if we pace ourselves, we can make that time more valuable. Like recovering from a heartbreak, you could either spend days on the couch eating ice cream or you could channel that energy into creating something substantial.
It would be nice to end this entry with a witty, insightful quote but I'd just urge you to listen to George's "Don't Matter Now" because it is good.
LM x