'No, but I know I want to be part of it.'
So today was my last session with Colm before I start revising for exams and then start my placement. It was a great session and one of my favourites cause I get to just chat with him. We talked about playing pranks on my siblings, (air)guns and fireworks. Reminded me so much of our first session together in October. So much has changed.
Before I go on, I do think some clarification would help you, the readers, understand the context. Son-Rise is a programme designed for parents with autistic children to do home-run sessions. It preaches love, full acceptance and all-round happiness. Colm is one of the children under the programme and I volunteer twice a week for a 2-hour session to be in the playroom with him. While it is child-centred, it is my role to encourage him to engage in more social actions that will help him socialise with his peers. Personally, I'd like to see it as 'invite, join & celebrate with energy, enthusiasm and excitement'. I also get weekly feedback sessions to help guide me in my following sessions. If you'd like to know more, I'd urge you to visit www.autismtreatmentcentre.org for more info, or talk to me so I can direct you to the right information/books/videos.
Alright, I hope by now you would get a rough idea of how I've been spending my Wednesdays and Thursdays mornings.
The past 6 months have been rough: emotionally, physically and academically. Son-Rise taught me how to get through it by just being comfortable with myself. I know, it sounds very 'what? makes no sense'-ish but it worked. I learned that by accepting my limitations and understanding that sometimes, I just need to take a deep breath has got me through toughest of times. For example, running the Malaysian Students' society can drain the energy out of you and mistakes happen. Old Liza would beat herself up about it saying how I wasn't good enough and that I've failed. The feeling of remorse, guilt and feeding off my members' frustrations and disappointments can get in my head. However, learning to be comfortable meant that I could see my failure as just that: an event that was out of my control and that I'm still okay (and amazing). It is a tough muscle to work on (harder than abs!) as it is so easy to just criticize yourself and pull yourself down, better you than other people right? Wrong.
Thing is, being in the playroom with Colm, I know that I am the only person who has the control of how I feel. Why should Colm's (non)reaction to my stories reflect how I feel about myself? Thing is, it shouldn't. Whatever Colm does has nothing to do with how he thinks of me and importantly, how I think of me. I think that is one of the biggest lesson I've learned.. and still continue to internalise.
As long as I'm happy with myself, life just seems brigher, despite the thunderstorms. Rainy days can be just as beautiful.
Other than loving myself, I also realised that I can decide to love someone unconditionally, imperfections and all. While I might not know Colm as well as his family, it still warms my heart whenever he chooses to tell me something about one of his guns and hilarious stories. I was not short of intense moments as well but those moments gave me a chance to work on the 'comfortable with myself' muscle. I've also learned so much from him as Colm is very knowledgable from fly fishing to DIY fireworks, every day I learn something new. Sessions with him are never boring.
There is just so much love in this programme. Madeleine, Emily and Ross are always just oozing with love and it is hard to refuse that intense volume of oxytoxin. They were never short of celebrations for everything, even for the little things. It makes you feel really good and you just want to celebrate each other. I still struggle with expressing my emotions clearly as you know, asian upbringing = emotion suppression (it's true) but rest assured, I'm inner-celebrating you, my family and friends!!
I would like to invite everyone here to learn more about Son-Rise and get in touch with families running them!
It was such a rewarding experience and I know this is not the final goodbye to Son-Rise or Team Colm.
Here are some links/books that you can check out if you are interested:
Colm's Awesome Adventure with Autism (FB page link)
Son-Rise Books:
Autism Breakthrough (good for parents with austistic kids)
Happiness is a choice (personal favourite, highly recommend)