Stuck under the duvet: my safe space

You know it has been tough when the only place you can feel safe is under a pile of blankets because you don't have to interact with the world.. and the world can't touch you.

*warning: explicit content, needed certain words to help articulate this whole shit show*

Although it may sound repetitive and a recurring theme here on my blog for the past year, I have gone through yet another challenging month. In all honesty, I still think the challenge is still ongoing but at least I'm in a better place right now. I am able to (and willing to) write about it, that's always a good sign.

Fuck, I was in an all-time low last month. I felt like a huge bus filled with heartbreak, disappointment and a-n-x-i-e-t-y ran over me, repeatedly. I was a walking combustible tear bomb, tears were flowing when in church, in the middle of reading papers on Immanuel Kant and when I hear my mother's voice on the other end of the phone. Every single day felt like a struggle to smile and feel happiness. There are days where I'd rather lie in bed and just watch videos on youtube - I didn't even enjoy it! It literally felt like I was being enclosed in a dark cloud and there was nobody that I could reach out to. Of course, I knew I have people to turn to but for a few days (which felt like a month), I was convinced that I was alone and no use to anyone. I was told from a very honest friend that I embodied "Sadness" from Inside Out (see below).

 

Yep. That was me. 

This won't be a sop story about what happened in the past month. Instead, I'm going to tell you how I dealt with it, or at least, attempted to:

As a psychology undergraduate, I found myself beating myself up harder because I was feeling an imbalance in my mental state. I was convinced that because I have spent the past 3 years understanding the human mind, I should be able to control how I felt and thought. I should know the ways to cope with it and overcome it. However, the reality was that I don't and that was a hard pill to swallow. The only thing I knew I could do was to seek help. I am ever so blessed to be in my university because the wellbeing drop-in sessions saved my life. I had a productive safe space where I wasn't under blankets hiding; I was talking about it and having someone there to empathize and guide me. Of course, I knew that wasn't enough, I had to be honest with myself and put in the work. 

That started with opening up to the people that I hold so dearly in my heart, my mum, my best friend and my sayang. By telling them, I inadvertently admitted to myself that "shit, okay I need help and I'm okay with asking for help". I was reminded again that I have the most amazing, supportive people in my life and I was so stupid for thinking that I don't. Slowly, I started opening up to my friends here in university and I have been continually blessed with support and understanding. 

That's how I got comfortable enough to talk about it now. Of course, I still have that fear that my search for help will be belittled and invalidated by others who would think that I'm not strong enough to cope with difficult situations. That fear is very much real and I wish that those people who do think this way just keep it to themselves. It is frustrating how I am programmed to remember the one thing that went wrong rather than the million other things that went right, I assume that is the case for most of us as well. Utter bollocks right, how our brains are wired to perceive this way?! 

Right now, the duvet is less of a self-pity sinkhole and I'm feeling less anxious. The chronic sadness is also ebbing away now, which is great because this time of year when the days are shorter is when my Seasonal Affective Depression (this, I have shamefully self-diagnosed) is peak. Funnily enough, I have come to embrace the short days and I.. don't get depressed when the sun sets at 4pm anymore. A progress in my mental health? Fuck yeah. 

I would like to end this post with a list of the things that has helped me feel better, for future reference: 

1. Honesty. Especially with myself and to people that you love. 
2. Good communication, ties in with #1. Being brave to pick up that phone and dial-a-friend (or mum). 
3. Social life! Making plans with the housemates and friends helped distract me from my own pity party. 
4. Exercise. As someone who spent her placement arguing for the importance of active lifestyle, I needed to follow my own advice. Swimming once a week and pilates every other day! 
5. Gratitude journal. Just writing down the small things that I was happy for every day was self-empowering. 

This was me after a nice (long) walk with the housemates to Beckford Tower (in the background). 

The look that says "I'm trying to find internal happiness again"

The hard times are still here but I know I have people to talk to and most importantly, I believe in myself and my strength to face it head on, with the occasional trip under the duvet. I'm going to be gentle with myself and I do hope that you do that as well. The only love we can rely on is the love from God and the love from yourself. 

Till next time, xx

Falling Chp 2

Kira could hardly believe the words that came out of Mark's mouth. "Your father is the reason why we can't be together," he said softly, trying hard not to let his anger show through his tone. That sentence was more deafening to her than the previous shouting match they had just 10 minutes ago. At that moment, all the anger, the frustration turned into confusion.

"What has my father got to do with us? You haven't even met the man yet. Was it the article?" she asked, suddenly filled with curiosity. "It wasn't just the article, Kira," he admitted, referring to the the profile piece published by the Economist, a candid interview with her father. "It is everything else he believes in, his values, the way he treats his businesses and how he talks about his family... it is all too much. I can't be a part of it." As he was explaining himself, Mark was already heading to the door, his dufflebag slung across his body.

"But I'm not asking you to be part of it! I'm not even part of it! That is why I'm here, far away from him!" Kira begged, the tears started flowing again, this time the tears flow slowly down her cheeks, warm just like how his hugs feel. "You don't have to be.." "I'm sorry Kira, I.. need to leave."

Just like that, Mark closed the door behind him. Closing on the life he built with Kira for the past 9 months, in that little flat just above a Korean snack bar. He closed his eyes and breathed. Part of him wanted to try and work it out with her but another part sighed in relief that he left before things got ugly. The less Kira knows why he did what he did, the better. At least, that is what he keeps telling himself. "It's for the best," he assured himself and left. He had unfinished business to deal with.

On the other side of the door, Kira sat by the coffee table, a cup of freshly brewed coffee in her hand. The nutty aroma of the beans soothes her as she tries to go through the last hour, the last month, the last year. She knew that crying out loud would not bring Mark back, she knew it would make her feel weak. The last thing she wants to feel right now is weak. "I shouldn't have told him about my family. Mother was right," she sighed. Thinking back to that conversation when her mother sat her down, a few days before she left. "It'll be hard for people to accept you and your family, just don't get your hopes up," her mother so brutally put it when Kira explained that she was going to 'settle down there'.

"I guess love is out of the window for me then," Kira finally admitted as she finished her coffee. "Now, time to move on," she said out loud, in the way her father would order her.

My biggest flaw

Well, it has been awhile since I last wrote. Things just happened and personally, I have been going through quite a few things. Only recently have I found time to really have a think about it and reflect - you all know I love to reflect.

My go-to reflection pose.

For the sake of continuity, I do have to acknowledge the aftermath of the events in my previous post. Despite not being able to send my vote in back in time, Malaysians pulled through and we have a new government. Well, that's a loosely said term as there are a few of MPs, Cabinet Ministers who were part of the old ruling government at one point - my father included. However, their old affiliations aside, they are working under a different party and different vision now so we all can say that it is indeed a new Malaysia, which is a great start. There is such a long road ahead and we don't only need to be patient but we need to work hard as well. We, the country, the people and the government. That's all I should say on this matter, say too much and I might end up saying the wrong things.

Now back to my personal life (isn't it the main purpose of this online journal?). Placement is over! It feels weird because it is like I didn't really leave the placement because I feel like I'm still part of the project or like the project is still part of me. Is this getting too hippy-ish? It was such a great experience doing research work because I knew the impact it could make, granted you talk to the right person and ask the right questions. It got me excited about the science of learning the unknown. We can argue the whole day on whether psychology (or any social science for the matter) is a science or not but the fact that the field has enlightened us on various aspects of human behaviour and  interactions, that has to be something worth taking seriously, no? Placement has taught me so much about academia and my field and Bristol has taught me so much about myself. It was definitely a year of growth and challenges.. and it isn't over yet!

This is because there is the reality of going into my final year of university! Every now and again for the past few months, I get a mini panic attack whenever I think about doing final year, needing to apply for jobs and maintaining a good enough grades in order to apply for jobs. I start to wonder 'will I be good enough to work?' 'will I survive the "real world"?' 'will I ever earn enough to feed myself?' and the panic sets in like custard on bread pudding. As busy as I try to be this whole summer, now and again when I get those quiet times to 'reflect on life', these thoughts come floating in like Queen Bey in any red carpet event. Frankly, it scares me. I sometimes think that maybe I want to do a Masters or PhD is because I don't want to enter the corporate world and succumb to the capitalist way of earning money - working for the 'big guys' or start my own business/clinic/talk show because I'm terribly afraid of actually failing. Then I think back to the conversation I had with a very wise friend who asked me, "Why are you so afraid of failing? Everyone who succeed in life have failed and they are not afraid to admit it. Why do you think you can succeed without failing?" It was at that time I realised my biggest flaw, I'm scared of not making it the first time around.

Somehow I've managed to latch onto the belief that I either succeed on the first try or I don't at all. That manifested into a subtle but convoluted need to be in control of everything, including the parts that I have no control over. Not so funnily enough, this narrative dominated me despite watching or hearing about other people's journey to success, which included multiple failures. I have no answer as to why I think like this, some say it is the Asian mentality (again, a loose term) but I like to think it is entirely my own expectations about myself. Shaped by my previous experiences, my surroundings and the people I hang out with, I created an impossible goal: to get life right on the first try. I'm not blaming anyone, it is entirely down to the perception of my own brain.

It's not like I've ever succeeded on my first try. I failed to get on the state fencing team on my first try, I didn't get the job from my first placement interview, heck I've even failed to bake bread properly on my first try. So why do I think I need to do it right the first time? Is it to proof something to someone? To stand out in a crowd? JE NE SAIS PAS!! I thought writing about it will eventually give me some ideas but as you've read so far, I still have no clue.

What I do realise though is that this is the challenge I have to truly overcome. Failing the first time. I don't think real life experience from others alone will do it, I need to experience it myself. It is a tough situation to put myself in but I just have to. I'm not saying that I'll be actively seeking out failure, that's easy, all I have to do is to attempt cycling. I just need to put myself out there when the time comes.

Wish me luck.

I lost my voting virginity..or did I?

Some of you might not be aware of this but politics has been very present in the latter half of my life. Ever since my dad ran and won a parliament seat in the 2008 general elections, all of a sudden, my family name, my face and my actions became associated with 'politics' and 'who my dad is'.

As I was trying to find my place in the world that is secondary school, I became very sensitive and aware of my peers' political opinions, as it was quite "trendy" to express hate/dissatisfaction with the ruling government back then. Of course, right now this dissatisfaction is more prominent than ever but to a group of 13-year-olds with no voting power, it was more of saying it to 'fit in' or in my case, not be socially excluded. It was this situation that led me to slowly distance myself from the 'daughter of a politician' identity that I was involuntarily given.

I should clarify that I was never ashamed of my father's decision to be a politician, he gave up a better paying job to serve the people, despite the corrupted view the country has on the government. We might hate to admit this but there are some people doing amazing work for the country that are in the 'wrong' party. However, as humans, the cognitive dissonance of 'a good person' in the 'wrong party' forces us to ignore this anomaly and opt for the heuristic that classifies all in the group into one stereotype that is familiar to us. Well, that's a little nugget of psychology for you. Going back to my story...

Despite school-life being a politics-free zone for the first few years, as I made better friends and gained a better understanding of our nation's history to independence, I became more accepting of my 'daughter of a politician' status. This, I can only speak for myself. The 2013 general elections came, dad tried to get re-elected but unfortunately lost. A whole whirlwind of events happened which got me fueled up to exercise my rights to vote in the next election.

One of the things I made sure I did when I went home for the summer last year was to register as a voter. Back then, I was unsure how the voting process will be for me as I'll be miles away from my polling station in KK. I registered anyways. Then, the news of the 'postal vote' system was announced and it was a breath of relief as I'll be saving a trip to London (because I will defo stop for some korean fried chicken at On the Bab). So I filled up the form, waited a month, only to email them and receive this:

To all my non-Malay reading/speaking friends: basically my application as a postal voter was approved and the ballot will be sent out after the announcement of the candidates. The email ended with the slogan "Serving the country; efficient and transparent". Let's hold on to that, shall we?

If I remember correctly, parliament hasn't dissolved then so I wasn't aware of the time between the 'candidate announcement' day and actual voting day. It felt like it was a mandate that sufficient time should be given to ensure all postal votes can get back in time. As we all know too well, that was not what happened. Surely, an independent, fair election commission (EC) appointed by our Agung (King, yes a monarch in a democratic society, Malaysia is complicated) should have discussed this through, I mean, it is a nationwide election, not a voting day for your prom night theme. Even the Oscars gave their academy members a month to vote.

As I am powerless in demanding them to change the dates, I waited patiently after the 28th of April for my ballot. As they claim to be efficient, I thought ballots will be mailed out immediately after the names were announced, at least a day later. But not in my case. Apparently, each EC branch works at a different pace and are unable to keep up with the urgency of sending the ballots out on time. Here's an email I received on the 4th of May, one week later:

"Duly forwarded" on the 3rd. It took them a week to send my ballot out and still they missed a few details. It seems like the EC is oblivious to the logistics of the international posting system. Even with the fastest courier, it will take 5 working days for packages to arrive. I was so disheartened after realising that my vote will never make it back on time. I was one of the few of my friends to have actually registered on time and get the postal vote approval, yet, I'll still be part of the voices that were silenced due to the system that is so insistent in ensuring that we keep our voting virginity, at a time when we're so ready to give it away.

I've come to a point where despite signing all petitions and filling out all google forms, I know it isn't going to change the fact that my vote will not count. Then, I go on Facebook and see this:

I was feeling all sorts of emotions: anger, hatred, outright disappointment with our Deputy Minister of Home Affairs and Internal Security, someone who plays a part in running our country. For him, to say something so enraging, makes me wonder the extent of our leaders' intellectual capacity and ability to be professional. 0.1%/8000 votes is still a non-zero amount, meaning it is substantial and can potentially have the power to change the results for certain seats. To disregard us postal voters is to show the indifference to the minority. Yes, democracy means a leadership that is led by the (simple) people, i.e. the majority vote. However, in reality, it is way complex than this, as eloquently put in this sentence:

Majority rule is a means for organizing government and deciding public issues; it is not another road to oppression. Just as no self-appointed group has the right to oppress others, so no majority, even in a democracy, should take away the basic rights and freedoms of a minority group or individual (LawTeacher, 2013).

 I wasn't sure if I wanted to rant about the postal voting system or unpack the box that is "Malaysian politics" but I knew I wanted to share my side of the story. I guess this is how I "protest" against my country's decision to make us, overseas voters, victims of an unjust system.
I can't tell if I am making any sense at all as it is 1.24am and I am mostly fueled by rage which has long subdued after reading the essay on the concept of democracy (link here), which further convinces me that we humans suck at running a democratic society. Just an opinion.

Anyways, here's another screenshot of FedEx texting me about my postal vote delivery, just so this saga has an end:

 9th of May is voting day in Malaysia, also, there is a 5pm (Malaysia time) deadline for postal votes to arrive. Meaning my postal vote has to arrive Malaysia at 11am on the 9th of May (UK time). Do you see how ridiculous this is? Simply put, my ballot will arrive sometime on the 9th of May but for my vote to count, my ballot has to reach Malaysia by 11am on the 9th of May. If you are baffled, well, that's just a normal and expected reaction.

I guess to briefly explain how I lost my voting virginity, it hurt but it felt like it didn't happen.

Maybe second time round, it'll be more satisfying.

Unplugged and back.

Welcome back to another chapter to my soul-searching, inner reflection journey. The past few posts after the third chapter were quite on the surface in that I didn't really share much of my thoughts. Truth is, up until a month ago, I had nothing much to share with you guys.

March was a struggle. I was having trouble sleeping and then trouble waking up. Trust me, I wanted  sleep. There were days when I couldn't leave the bed till 10/11am or I couldn't fall asleep until 3am. It was a hard few weeks, it destroyed my motivation to go for work or do anything else. It was like there was a voice that kept reminding me that there was no point in me waking up early and doing anything productive, because it won't amount to anything. I felt defeated. 

This was happening as I was abstaining from social media.

I disabled and deleted all the social media apps and just went off the grid (well, I couldn't delete WhatsApp or Messenger). As I mentioned in the previous post, it was to get rid of the negativity that it made me feel. While I tried to make it sound as liberating as possible, truth is, that feeling only lasted awhile. Soon, I find myself mindlessly swiping through my home screen looking for an app to click on, to escape from reality. Then I had to catch myself and kept in mind why I was really doing it - to improve my attention span.

Yes, cutting off from the online world does stop you from comparing your reality to other's superficial online presence and that helps ease the mind a bit. However, after an excessive usage of social media over the past few years has made my attention span as short as a goldfish. There were times when I couldn't even concentrate on a conversation as my mind started thinking about something else -mainly to the notifications on the apps. Guys, it was really bad.

Thing is, I worked most of my life to be as smart as possible, to be as knowledgeable so I could feel useful in this world. I didn't really excel in the beauty or sports department so from a young age, I knew the only thing that I could improve on was my brain. To find that I was destroying the only thing that I worked hard to curate gave me a reality kick in the butt. I needed to refocus, to refresh my brain. Felt like the only way was to unplug from the only thing that gave me the least stimulation - social media.

However, the withdrawal symptom (i.e. itching to check your phone every 5 minutes) lasted longer than expected, the whole of Lent actually. I guess that's what brought about the lack of motivation in the past month. I'm not quite sure how they are linked together but I think the sudden absence of virtual places to escape to sent my brain into a shock. Suddenly, there is a need to find something to do, to properly stimulate the 'littel grey cells' as Hercule Poirot puts it. No more mindless scrolling and double-tapping. It's time to learn to be smart again.

 Right now, I only check Facebook, Twitter and Instagram when I'm on my laptop. Occasionally, I enable them on my phone for a few hours or a day or two. I suddenly feel that I had more control over it, like I have the power to delete them and not let them consume my life. This is when it was truly liberating, funnily enough only after Lent was over.

Yes, it did take awhile to fully unplug, it is not a fast-diet scheme. It takes time and a lot of self-control. Honestly, I did sneak a peek or two at my Facebook and Instagram account during the fast. It wasn't as cold turkey as I wanted it to be. Oh well.

I realised a progressive improvement with my sleep schedule and I moved my workouts to the mornings so I have a reason to get out of bed earlier (still struggle with the 7am alarm though - any tips for that?). The motivation is slowly coming back and I'm hoping to achieve what I want to before my placement ends. Can't believe there is only 2 months left before I move back to Bath. I try not to dwell on that thought yet.

I hope that my struggle resonates with some of you (especially the sleeping part - I have yet to understand why that happened). As always, come let's have a conversation about it!

Here is to a more productive, longer attention span April.

Till then,
LM x

Creating great atmos

Thank goodness the sun is shining and the snow has melted away. The last few days in the UK were a whirlwind to say the least. I thought I've escaped the extremities of the cold by staying in the South West of England. I guess there are a few things you just cannot escape.

Like the bad weather, sometimes you just cannot avoid bad situations/thoughts/people. It is just part of life. However, the only thing we can all control is how we react. I'm sure you've heard of this many times. I just want to contribute my personal journey on embracing the positive juju and creating great atmos. Two terms that any George Ezra fan will be familiar with.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I tend to set a new goal for myself every birthday. This year, I've decided to truly embrace the whole 'positive movement' in every aspect of my life. Having said that, it wasn't easy, as life (or self-growth) is never easy. It is a struggle but here are two tips that have helped me be happier with life, come what may.

Social media detox
I think we all know that sometimes social media can be mentally and emotionally draining as we watch stories of other people's lives and automatically compare to ours, which most of the time is just us laying in bed eating instant noodles. While I cannot bring myself to get rid of social media for good, I decided to have a round of detox -getting rid of anything that could make me feel bad about myself. My first step: unfollowing anyone that I can't relate to. This included majority of the Kardashians and 'friends' that I just don't connect with on any level. I've also used Facebook's 'filter' option to get rid of people who post nonsense on my timeline; it's way easier than going through my seemingly endless friends list, something I blame 12 year old me for. It was a phase of adding sprees wasn't it?  It made quite a difference when my timeline is just of people that I actually care about rather than a load of social media white noise. I'm still slowly filtering people out as I go and forcing myself to unfollow people. I honestly don't think I have to apologise for unfollowing anyone.

Another half of the detox process is getting some good stuff in. I've started following a few people who are part of the 'body positivity' movement, e.g. @bodyposipanda, @gracefvictory on instagram also a lot of coffee-related accounts (cause coffee makes me feel better). They help brighten up my feed a little bit as I can always take things away from their posts, rather than just blindly double-tapping for the sake of double-tapping. If you have any recommendations on any other positive-spreading accounts, let me know! All part of the great atmos creation.

Doing my favourite form of exercise -Pilates! 
So, I've been slacking off on the exercising bit, never really committing to anything. I've even stopped running for awhile after last year's Bath Half. I kept asking myself, 'Why can't I bring myself to go to the gym/go for a run/go for classes?' Then I realised it is because, quite simply, I hated it. The thought of me going to the gym or running in the winter just brings out the sloth in me and I refuse to move my butt. Heck, I even hated doing Tom Daley's Daily workout routine because I just get so bored. Then, I decided to try Cassey Ho aka blogilates' workouts. Two months in, and I'm still going! I finally found something that I can see myself committing to in the long term. Although sometimes I scream at my computer in the middle of a double leg lift, I started to feel more flexible and my posture is slowly improving. I'm hardly a POPster though, I still take an extra rest day or skip a few videos (esp the PIIT or cardio ones) but it is a slow climb up and I'm still climbing.

Also, I love Cassey because she is always smiling or full of energy even in the middle of the most intense moves (which sometimes can frustrate me) but her words of encouragement and pearls of positivity wisdom served as a reminder that we set our own pace in life and that everyone is moving at different speeds. It just helps when you have someone telling you that while you are working out.

~

There you have it, my two nuggets of positive enhancement. If there's anything to take away from, I guess it is that surrounding yourself with amazing/supportive people and doing anything that brings a smile to your face is important. It is far from being selfish because the more good feels you have, the more you want to share it. It is a gift that keeps on giving. Try it for yourself! 

Well, that's all from me today. I have a few more things that I want to share with you all but it's taking longer to have the courage to write it down than expected. Hopefully, soon.

Till then,
Liza x

For the 22nd time

The inevitable soundtrack of any 22 year old, T-Swift's "22", plays at the back of my head like the background music of my life. 

 

Yes, I do feel 22 and I'm happy to turn a year older. Like the renewed sense of motivation that befalls us every new year's eve, that's how I feel every birthday.

"This year, would be the year I finally (insert goal)" -me, every 22nd of January. 

As I've acquired the ability to self-reflect (circa 2012), the days leading up to my b-day has always been filled with reflections and anticipations. "What am I grateful for? Who am I grateful for?" are the main questions that float in my head as I plan out an entire appreciation post for my social media pages, because that's how we celebrate birthdays nowadays.

This year's self-reflection was a tough one as I had to revisit a lot of closed doors that held the horrors of my 21st year on Earth. Then, it led me to what was the most eye-opening last few months in 2017 that set the course for how I want to spend my 22nd year and hopefully the next few years as well.

So here it is, my appreciation post (sans photos because I have lost all energy to compile them):

Firstly, I would like to thank God for not giving up on me and always sending me the most unexpected people into my life. To all at ACTS Bristol and St. Mary's Young Adult Prayer Group, thanks for allowing this lost soul to find her way back to God. Here's to an exciting spiritual journey.

My parents, pa and mummy, thanks for sending me money in desperate times and also for answering my calls when I am feeling homesick and need to see you all. I know I was a challenge to raise and thank you for giving me the opportunities to pursue my passion. Without your never-ending support (despite the hopes of me being a lawyer, still not happening Pa), I will never be where I am right now, doing amazing research.

To my best friend, Heidi, thank you for being honest and supportive when I needed you. Despite us hardly meeting up, I know you are always there to give me the real advice (and also to 'sigh' about our life). We'll get there someday!

My Fitbit & beaut fam, thanks for carrying me through the first half of last year and just being the friends I needed. Thanks for constantly being fit so I am compelled to exercise. Also, the Bath Half! Can't wait to catch up with you all next week in Prague!! We are going to hit the 10k mark every day.

Summer/Winter/Spring Leftover group! Thank you thank you thank you for inviting me into your homes and filling my stomach up with delicious cooking (really can't say that enough). Also, for all the banter and interesting conversations. You all made Bristol more like home for me, for that, I will always be grateful.

To Nab, my flatmate. Thanks for dealing with my rants and mishaps of my dating life, which is (thankfully) on hiatus at the moment. To more late night talk, drinks and Netflix sharing (with Daryl haha). Glad we moved in together.

UWE Bar students, you guys. Thanks for the great night outs and for allowing this 'staff member' to join you all for lunch at the Atrium and constantly remind myself that I am lucky to have not gone down the Lawyer path.

To everyone else, you guys played a part in shaping who I am today. Your presence are like the colourful dots on my canvas, making the bigger picture even more alive. So thank you, I apologise for not being able to name you one by one, that will take too long as there are so many of you!

Here's to being a better version of myself. Liza v22.0, let's go.

Here's a very cute photo of me (no shame) in honour of my special day. Enjoy. 

 

The potential dangers of self-care

(There is a reason why this photo is like this, keep reading!)

Happy 2018 everyone! I hope everyone had an enjoyable holiday and if you didn't, you can be relieved that it's over! 

I hope the excitement of the new year hasn't rubbed off yet and that you're working hard to stick to whatever resolutions/goals/dreams you've (secretly) promised to do. Mine is to read further and beyond the academics. My current choice is Jostein Gaarder's Sophie's World, had the book since I was 16 and I think I've finally reached an age suitable to comprehend the simplified summary of philosophy. So far, I'm enjoying it. Let's all work hard towards our goals! 

Aside from the fact that Trump is still president and still tweeting ridiculous things, that Brexit may/may not happen and that Dr. Mahathir running for PM again, I hope your 2018 had a good start. I had a rocky start myself, spending NYE with viral tonsilitis and then getting gum disease and oral inflammation shortly afterwards. Also, I got hit by a Deliveroo guy on a bike - my fault completely. Everyone was okay, including the food, so no worries. The reason why I'm telling you this is that the average reaction I received after sharing my eventful 1st week of 2018 was along the lines of  'Oh, poor you! Please take care!' which prompted me to reason with myself that I should indulge in what is now commonly known as 'self-care'. 

Unsure whether it was the power of the new year or my new found inability to binge watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for the 5th time, I felt like I was taking this self-care treatment too far that it started to lose it's original purpose for me. While self-care is important for our well being, it started to become an excuse for me to not be productive for a long period of time. Again, it was the perfect justification for me to either lock myself up in my room for the whole weekend or spend lavishly on things I don't need so that I can 'feel better'. Instead of feeling like I'm giving my body the love and rest it needs, I was using the term as a forefront to engage in selfish and meaningless activities. I wasn't feeding my soul, I was doing superficial things.

Granted, watching a few episodes of a sitcom can cheer one up but man, don't know about you but I feel so sluggish after every binge, like I've wasted precious hours. With retail therapy, I guess it just never works for me. I end up buying things I don't need and curse myself every summer when I have to pack and move houses (dreading it). I guess it's not that self-care is bad, it's just how I was doing it. Hence, the photo above where the word 'Self-Care' is not aligned with the shadow, because I probably wasn't doing it that really works for me. 

Then, I came across this Buzzfeed list: 21 ways to be a little more ok in 2018.  It did mention a few things that I was already doing, but a few other more. For example, read more books (see first paragraph) and a few other activities I would like to try. I'd suggest reading the list as well, it might inspire you. 

In essence, if whatever you term as 'self-care' is not helping you to recharge and be a better person at work, with friends or society in general, then probably your routine needs a little tweak and that's okay. I got to know myself a little bit more from this and now I'm taking a different approach. We'll see how my new 'feel better 2018' routine does in a few weeks. 

I hope you all will be taking care of yourself (appropriately) this 2018! We need to start spreading some positive juju around, and what better way to do it than to spread it within yourself first! 

Till next time, 

LM x