Fall(ing)

I feel nauseous, she thinks to herself as she takes another gulp of the house filter coffee. She tries to persuade herself that the caffeine surge is the reason for the uneasy feeling inside her and not because of him. He sits across her, at another table, sitting comfortably while immersing himself in his book. His beanie, hoodie and Timbaland boots combo screams: "I'm a low-key hipster and I know it." On his table, a mug of coffee, a pen and a paper. Probably to write down his thoughts from whatever he is reading, she thought to herself as she glances sneakily while avoiding eye contact with him. She concluded that he must be reading a self-help book on how to seem intelligent in the millennial era. At least he is kind of working it, another thought.

She also thinks that she should pluck up the courage to talk to him. Besides, they're the only two people reading in this coffee shop. With the bookshelves lining the wall and exposed bricks creating an ambiance that encourages one to sit down and reflect, they're the only two people holding up books and reading. Well, at least she is trying to. Everyone else around her are busy engaging in conversations or checking up on social media with the free WiFi. Maybe, she thinks, that she should strike one up as well. With him. A total stranger.

Alright, I should. I'm a woman of the 21st century. I should have the confidence to talk to guys. Empowerment. Confidence. Don't say anything stu- "Hey, what book are you reading?" an unfamiliar voice emerged from the room and seemed to be directed at her. Trying hard to look casual and not surprised from the question, she looked up. "Oh, just a book about death." As she shows him the front cover of her Mitch Albom's book. Way to sound cool, she said to herself. He gave her a puzzled look, probably trying to find a way to continue this conversation that took him 15minutes to muster the courage for and could only mumble "Grool." He wished he could die then and there.

"Grool?" She asked back, trying not to laugh.
"Yeah, wanted to say great but decided to say cool last minute. Guess my brain couldn't get to my mouth in time." He said as he feels his ego slowly fading away. Please don't think that I'm a creep, he begs to whoever is listening.
"Isn't that from Mean Girls?"
There was a pause.
"Yeah, ha ha. Thinks it helps in situations like this."
"Grool." She smiled at him. It was her "Help, I'm nervous and I don't know what to say" smile. 
Oh God, she just gave me that "I think you're weird" smile. Abort mission, abort- "So what are you reading?" she asked back.
Relieved, he explained how his book is teaching him about being a successful millennial.
Another pause.
She decided to take her stuff and move to his table. A bold move but she figured it was better than trying to talk across tables and over other people's conversations. Plus, she thinks this direct move should show that she is interested. "Easier to talk if we're on the same table" she explains to his slightly shocked but delighted face.

"I'm Mark, by the way," he said before the conversation goes too far to insert an introduction.
"I'm Kira," she said as she gives him her "I'm happy this is happening smile".

I'm happy this is happening too, hoping his smile says the same.

Bad feels, good feels, all the feels.

First of all, thank you to all who sent me encouraging messages and shared their stories with me since I last posted. It was truly heartwarming to see other people be so willing to share their feelings (with me), which made me realise that we don't have conversations like these as often as we should. I don't think that feeling down/not okay should be a taboo conversation, when you are talking to someone you trust and who cares for you. The bad helps us appreciate the good in things, right?

On that note, the recovery process so far has been bumpy, but I know I am progressing. Sometimes I still feel part of me is still quite exhausted from being emotionally shredded but the pain is decreasing (or am I getting numb to it?) Not going to lie, there were days when I find it extremely hard to leave my bed in the morning and start the day. Not sure if it is the sadness or just the sudden drop in temperature (darn you, Arctic Wind), or a little mix of both. Thankfully, I love my placement enough to wake up at 7:45am on most days. Just burying myself in research upon research and seeing where I can piece things together is altogether exhilarating and scary. I'm scared that I'll invest 200% and be a total geek about it: just wanting to tell everybody what I know. Not sure if that is a good thing in a social setting but it keeps my mind busy and life exciting.

 

(whenever people ask me about my research.. is this how academics feel like?!)

 Also, the clock went back an hour recently and we have less sunlight *sarcastic cheer*. One thing I've learned from behavioural psychology is that humans have patterns, our actions/emotions always follow the same sequence (reference needed, don't quote me on this). For example, since I've moved to the UK, when the day gets shorter and colder, I think I get Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD, more info here). Quick note: I'm not medically diagnosed with SAD, I saw the list of symptoms and it made sense. Anyways, this would result in me, sobbing uncontrollably on the phone with my mum, crying over the most trivial things. "Why you telling us about this?" you may ask. Frankly, I don't really have a clear reason, maybe I just want to bring to light that this condition is real or probably when I am hard to be around, I hope you'll understand. Hopefully though, it would make you realise we all have to deal with mental health issues at some point in our lives and that we should all try our best to support each other. TALK, people TALK. Here's me advocating mental health awareness because I don't see why it is such a 'hush-hush' thing that people feel uncomfortable talking about. I mean, talking is one way of making your way towards the road of recovery. I mean you scream when you are in physical pain right? So why can't we talk when we are suffering mentally?

Yay, controversial conversations. Let's grab a coffee and chat/debate/argue.


Something that helps me get through SAD is loving Christmas. For whatever reasons, religious or not, it is the most wonderful time of the year. Why? Because despite the lack of sunlight, Christmas lights bring just as much joy (at least, to me). So when I start jamming some Bublé or wearing Christmas jumpers around, just roll your eyes and tell yourself that it is a defense mechanism against falling into the deep pit of darkness. Inner reflections! 

That's all I have to say at the moment regarding the emotional crisis of September 2017. Again, thank you to all who came to talk to me, sending lots of love. 

Can't wait for the Christmas lights to be up! 
Liza x