I knew I was having too much of a great time. I was blinded by the good things that were happening and forgot to anticipate the storm, tornado and whirlpool of crap that is coming my way.
November is nothing short of a montage of mental breakdowns, rejections and disappointments. With one day left in this horrendous month, I needed to get this off my chest.
If you're a Psych undergraduate in Bath, you'd know what I'm talking about: FOUR deadlines (2 reports and 2 essays) due in a span of 10 days was the haunted house that all of us were forced to enter (imagine Andy from Ellen) and boy, it was rough. Maybe the department really couldn't help it but it was just a very shitty time. Then, to add to the horror, we had to start applying for placements, which are basically job applications (cover letters, written exercises, application forms).
I can't really describe the level of stress without using a profanity, so I hope you'd get the picture.
Even after all the deadline horror and application process, it was impossible for me to stay completely relaxed. Unfortunately, my 'dream' placement, so to say, was crushed just early today and I cried, alone, while brewing a fresh pot of coffee. I couldn't function for a whole 10 minutes. I microwaved my lunch but couldn't pick up my spoon, I wanted to talk to someone but couldn't bring myself up to call anyone. I hit a new low, which surprised me after all the mental breakdowns I had the past few weeks.
In short, I'm not used to rejection. There, I said it.
I've been trained to always get it right on the first try. I've been moulded into thinking that if I work hard enough, I'll get what I want. In a way, I put in 110% believing that I'll acheive my goals. When that doesn't happen, I fall very hard. I'd beat myself up so hard and start swallowing myself in disappointment and destructive criticism, which is counter-productive and I waste my whole day. To justify this, I'd let myself know that it is okay to allow yourself to be sad because it is only human. This then becomes counter-intuitive as I'll cease to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Recently, I've been trying not to beat myself up and continue believing that I will achieve my goals and that I just have to keep on working hard. Easier said than done really. It takes so much mental strength to see that and it is a muscle I am committed to working out (other than my abs, quads, biceps, triceps etc.)
I'm writing this not only to set my mind straight but to hopefully resonate with some of you. Life post-high school is no walk in the park but then again, the only way you can truly know your strength and appreciate your worth is going through the toughest of challenges.
This is one of my toughest and I know that I will get out of this stronger. I just need to stop crying and get back to work. Possibly have a glass of wine tonight.
Appreciate all the support and love. Don't forget to love yourself first!
