Falling Chp 2

Kira could hardly believe the words that came out of Mark's mouth. "Your father is the reason why we can't be together," he said softly, trying hard not to let his anger show through his tone. That sentence was more deafening to her than the previous shouting match they had just 10 minutes ago. At that moment, all the anger, the frustration turned into confusion.

"What has my father got to do with us? You haven't even met the man yet. Was it the article?" she asked, suddenly filled with curiosity. "It wasn't just the article, Kira," he admitted, referring to the the profile piece published by the Economist, a candid interview with her father. "It is everything else he believes in, his values, the way he treats his businesses and how he talks about his family... it is all too much. I can't be a part of it." As he was explaining himself, Mark was already heading to the door, his dufflebag slung across his body.

"But I'm not asking you to be part of it! I'm not even part of it! That is why I'm here, far away from him!" Kira begged, the tears started flowing again, this time the tears flow slowly down her cheeks, warm just like how his hugs feel. "You don't have to be.." "I'm sorry Kira, I.. need to leave."

Just like that, Mark closed the door behind him. Closing on the life he built with Kira for the past 9 months, in that little flat just above a Korean snack bar. He closed his eyes and breathed. Part of him wanted to try and work it out with her but another part sighed in relief that he left before things got ugly. The less Kira knows why he did what he did, the better. At least, that is what he keeps telling himself. "It's for the best," he assured himself and left. He had unfinished business to deal with.

On the other side of the door, Kira sat by the coffee table, a cup of freshly brewed coffee in her hand. The nutty aroma of the beans soothes her as she tries to go through the last hour, the last month, the last year. She knew that crying out loud would not bring Mark back, she knew it would make her feel weak. The last thing she wants to feel right now is weak. "I shouldn't have told him about my family. Mother was right," she sighed. Thinking back to that conversation when her mother sat her down, a few days before she left. "It'll be hard for people to accept you and your family, just don't get your hopes up," her mother so brutally put it when Kira explained that she was going to 'settle down there'.

"I guess love is out of the window for me then," Kira finally admitted as she finished her coffee. "Now, time to move on," she said out loud, in the way her father would order her.

My biggest flaw

Well, it has been awhile since I last wrote. Things just happened and personally, I have been going through quite a few things. Only recently have I found time to really have a think about it and reflect - you all know I love to reflect.

My go-to reflection pose.

For the sake of continuity, I do have to acknowledge the aftermath of the events in my previous post. Despite not being able to send my vote in back in time, Malaysians pulled through and we have a new government. Well, that's a loosely said term as there are a few of MPs, Cabinet Ministers who were part of the old ruling government at one point - my father included. However, their old affiliations aside, they are working under a different party and different vision now so we all can say that it is indeed a new Malaysia, which is a great start. There is such a long road ahead and we don't only need to be patient but we need to work hard as well. We, the country, the people and the government. That's all I should say on this matter, say too much and I might end up saying the wrong things.

Now back to my personal life (isn't it the main purpose of this online journal?). Placement is over! It feels weird because it is like I didn't really leave the placement because I feel like I'm still part of the project or like the project is still part of me. Is this getting too hippy-ish? It was such a great experience doing research work because I knew the impact it could make, granted you talk to the right person and ask the right questions. It got me excited about the science of learning the unknown. We can argue the whole day on whether psychology (or any social science for the matter) is a science or not but the fact that the field has enlightened us on various aspects of human behaviour and  interactions, that has to be something worth taking seriously, no? Placement has taught me so much about academia and my field and Bristol has taught me so much about myself. It was definitely a year of growth and challenges.. and it isn't over yet!

This is because there is the reality of going into my final year of university! Every now and again for the past few months, I get a mini panic attack whenever I think about doing final year, needing to apply for jobs and maintaining a good enough grades in order to apply for jobs. I start to wonder 'will I be good enough to work?' 'will I survive the "real world"?' 'will I ever earn enough to feed myself?' and the panic sets in like custard on bread pudding. As busy as I try to be this whole summer, now and again when I get those quiet times to 'reflect on life', these thoughts come floating in like Queen Bey in any red carpet event. Frankly, it scares me. I sometimes think that maybe I want to do a Masters or PhD is because I don't want to enter the corporate world and succumb to the capitalist way of earning money - working for the 'big guys' or start my own business/clinic/talk show because I'm terribly afraid of actually failing. Then I think back to the conversation I had with a very wise friend who asked me, "Why are you so afraid of failing? Everyone who succeed in life have failed and they are not afraid to admit it. Why do you think you can succeed without failing?" It was at that time I realised my biggest flaw, I'm scared of not making it the first time around.

Somehow I've managed to latch onto the belief that I either succeed on the first try or I don't at all. That manifested into a subtle but convoluted need to be in control of everything, including the parts that I have no control over. Not so funnily enough, this narrative dominated me despite watching or hearing about other people's journey to success, which included multiple failures. I have no answer as to why I think like this, some say it is the Asian mentality (again, a loose term) but I like to think it is entirely my own expectations about myself. Shaped by my previous experiences, my surroundings and the people I hang out with, I created an impossible goal: to get life right on the first try. I'm not blaming anyone, it is entirely down to the perception of my own brain.

It's not like I've ever succeeded on my first try. I failed to get on the state fencing team on my first try, I didn't get the job from my first placement interview, heck I've even failed to bake bread properly on my first try. So why do I think I need to do it right the first time? Is it to proof something to someone? To stand out in a crowd? JE NE SAIS PAS!! I thought writing about it will eventually give me some ideas but as you've read so far, I still have no clue.

What I do realise though is that this is the challenge I have to truly overcome. Failing the first time. I don't think real life experience from others alone will do it, I need to experience it myself. It is a tough situation to put myself in but I just have to. I'm not saying that I'll be actively seeking out failure, that's easy, all I have to do is to attempt cycling. I just need to put myself out there when the time comes.

Wish me luck.