2017 has been.. eventful.
Turning 21 sort of catapulted myself into a series of self-reflections and re-prioritisation. I spent a lot of time thinking about the goals that I want to set for myself. Other than completing the Bath Half in 2hours and 30minutes, I wanted something else that I could constantly hold myself accountable.
I realised that I was being too hard on myself. Granted, there were days when I allowed the occasional ice cream treat and skipping that scheduled run but afterwards, I gave myself a hard time for having a relaxed time. It is toxic and on most occasion counter-productive as I'll then stress too much about having a hard time and end up not doing anything. The cycle continues.
I have been trying to not be so hard on myself and my failure to do certain things. Thanks to Son-Rise, I have the most supportive group in this area. So incredibly grateful for them. Like the BathHalf, it is a challenge that I'm taking it day by day.
Other than this personal struggle, I am strapped for cash. Too strapped. I had to temporarily stop my part-time work to focus on my degree because I know, from experience that juggling too much will be the death of me. This time, I was scared I might've pushed myself over the edge if I continued to deny the fact that I can't do everything at once.
With a tight budget comes the trouble that is cancelling already made plans and disappointing people. It is hard and heartbreaking to be the one to cancel a weekend of fun but it wasn't worth me sacrificing one month's grocery money on. Truly living the ultimate student budget life and this time I'm not just saying it. If only I could juggle work and study during a hectic deadline schedule, I would. Unfortunately, I wasn't born with expert time managing skills so tough calls had to be made.
Don't feel sorry for me though. It is not my intention to elicit empathy from you, the reader. It is instead a self-reminder that this is a tough lesson that I have to embrace and learn from it.
Speaking of study, another realisation that dawned upon me is that I absolutely suck at academic writing. I thought I was getting better after the feedback in first year but I just come to realise that I just simply can't 'critically discuss' anything. It scares me because that is the whole core of my degree, is to be able to 'critically discuss' and have a coherent argument. Trust me, it is not like I have given up trying, I TRY to sound succinct and critical in my writing but in the feedback I always seem to 'lack coherent arguments'. UGH. As much as I love blogging and reading, academic writing is just not for me.
Having said that, I will have to power through my degree and the rest of my academic life if I ever were to be able to open my own practice. I can't go on getting 2:2s for my reports now can I? That's a C in school-terms and the Asian in me, as much as I hate the stereotype, just cannot have it.
Well, finally got that off my chest. I can finally focus on my 4 essays now. *JOY*
So goals for the year:
1. Not set hair on fire
2. Get financially stable (student standards)
3. Self-discipline
4. Be OK
5. Book sessions with the writing centre and be decent in academic writing.
Wish me luck.
Monday, February 20
Tuesday, December 6
The door that opened.
First of all, I'd like to say massive thanks to all of you for the support, advice, hugs and love the past few weeks. I wasn't expecting all of this and I am so grateful for everyone. Also, thank you to those who've shared their stories of rejection with me, I am so honoured that you've shared this struggle with me, as I know it is not easy to admit it. We are all in this together guys!<3 p="">
<3 p="">
Anyways, I guess I should inform everyone that after that brutal rejection, I have been offered another placement in Bristol! Yes guys, I did it. I powered through that hard time and re-applied. Not to dismiss the previous one, but this one in Bristol is so much more in line with what I want to really get into.
It took me a few days for it to really sink in (hence, gif), it is like that for most things after a storm right?
I guess that from this experience, it goes to show that there is no point beating yourself up too hard over a rejection and sometimes you just have to suck it up, get over it and move on. It is very harsh and it will get harsher, it is just getting familiar with the headstrong mindset and powering through any crisis.
I don't think I'll ever thank everyone enough for giving me a reality check and support for moving forwards. Special thanks to Heidi for listening to me sob over the phone/skype and my supermum for just being blunt but loving at the same time.
To the other guys who are still looking for placements, don't forget you are awesome regardless and don't ever think otherwise.
Bristol, see you next year. Let the house hunting begin.
Tuesday, November 29
Broke down, heartbroken but determined.
I knew I was having too much of a great time. I was blinded by the good things that were happening and forgot to anticipate the storm, tornado and whirlpool of crap that is coming my way.
November is nothing short of a montage of mental breakdowns, rejections and disappointments. With one day left in this horrendous month, I needed to get this off my chest.
If you're a Psych undergraduate in Bath, you'd know what I'm talking about: FOUR deadlines (2 reports and 2 essays) due in a span of 10 days was the haunted house that all of us were forced to enter (imagine Andy from Ellen) and boy, it was rough. Maybe the department really couldn't help it but it was just a very shitty time. Then, to add to the horror, we had to start applying for placements, which are basically job applications (cover letters, written exercises, application forms).
I can't really describe the level of stress without using a profanity, so I hope you'd get the picture.
Even after all the deadline horror and application process, it was impossible for me to stay completely relaxed. Unfortunately, my 'dream' placement, so to say, was crushed just early today and I cried, alone, while brewing a fresh pot of coffee. I couldn't function for a whole 10 minutes. I microwaved my lunch but couldn't pick up my spoon, I wanted to talk to someone but couldn't bring myself up to call anyone. I hit a new low, which surprised me after all the mental breakdowns I had the past few weeks.
In short, I'm not used to rejection. There, I said it.
I've been trained to always get it right on the first try. I've been moulded into thinking that if I work hard enough, I'll get what I want. In a way, I put in 110% believing that I'll acheive my goals. When that doesn't happen, I fall very hard. I'd beat myself up so hard and start swallowing myself in disappointment and destructive criticism, which is counter-productive and I waste my whole day. To justify this, I'd let myself know that it is okay to allow yourself to be sad because it is only human. This then becomes counter-intuitive as I'll cease to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Recently, I've been trying not to beat myself up and continue believing that I will achieve my goals and that I just have to keep on working hard. Easier said than done really. It takes so much mental strength to see that and it is a muscle I am committed to working out (other than my abs, quads, biceps, triceps etc.)
I'm writing this not only to set my mind straight but to hopefully resonate with some of you. Life post-high school is no walk in the park but then again, the only way you can truly know your strength and appreciate your worth is going through the toughest of challenges.
This is one of my toughest and I know that I will get out of this stronger. I just need to stop crying and get back to work. Possibly have a glass of wine tonight.
Appreciate all the support and love. Don't forget to love yourself first!
November is nothing short of a montage of mental breakdowns, rejections and disappointments. With one day left in this horrendous month, I needed to get this off my chest.
If you're a Psych undergraduate in Bath, you'd know what I'm talking about: FOUR deadlines (2 reports and 2 essays) due in a span of 10 days was the haunted house that all of us were forced to enter (imagine Andy from Ellen) and boy, it was rough. Maybe the department really couldn't help it but it was just a very shitty time. Then, to add to the horror, we had to start applying for placements, which are basically job applications (cover letters, written exercises, application forms).
I can't really describe the level of stress without using a profanity, so I hope you'd get the picture.
Even after all the deadline horror and application process, it was impossible for me to stay completely relaxed. Unfortunately, my 'dream' placement, so to say, was crushed just early today and I cried, alone, while brewing a fresh pot of coffee. I couldn't function for a whole 10 minutes. I microwaved my lunch but couldn't pick up my spoon, I wanted to talk to someone but couldn't bring myself up to call anyone. I hit a new low, which surprised me after all the mental breakdowns I had the past few weeks.
In short, I'm not used to rejection. There, I said it.
I've been trained to always get it right on the first try. I've been moulded into thinking that if I work hard enough, I'll get what I want. In a way, I put in 110% believing that I'll acheive my goals. When that doesn't happen, I fall very hard. I'd beat myself up so hard and start swallowing myself in disappointment and destructive criticism, which is counter-productive and I waste my whole day. To justify this, I'd let myself know that it is okay to allow yourself to be sad because it is only human. This then becomes counter-intuitive as I'll cease to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Recently, I've been trying not to beat myself up and continue believing that I will achieve my goals and that I just have to keep on working hard. Easier said than done really. It takes so much mental strength to see that and it is a muscle I am committed to working out (other than my abs, quads, biceps, triceps etc.)
I'm writing this not only to set my mind straight but to hopefully resonate with some of you. Life post-high school is no walk in the park but then again, the only way you can truly know your strength and appreciate your worth is going through the toughest of challenges.
This is one of my toughest and I know that I will get out of this stronger. I just need to stop crying and get back to work. Possibly have a glass of wine tonight.
Appreciate all the support and love. Don't forget to love yourself first!
Tuesday, October 18
Karma, among other things.
*Cue Alicia Keys' "Karma"*
I cannot believe it has been a month since my last post! Time has gone by so fast that I simply lost track of it.
Just a quick summary of what I've been up to since my last post:
I am so incredibly blessed and humbled by the actuality of the huge support system that I have. I was literally in disbelief and rendered speechless when within a few hours of putting up my fundraising page for the Bath Half, I managed to surpass my target! Like WHAT?! What's more, I'm still receiving donations days after that! I just don't know what to say but THANK YOU to all who donated, anon or not, you guys are amazing human beings that deserves all the goodness in the world!
This journey has shown me the effects of spreading positivity to everyone and it has been amazing. I've been able to talk to people that I'd never will about my journey and getting to hear how my story has inspired them is just the icing on a perfectly moist cake (yum).
Despite all the good that has happened, there were a few downs to it (life can't be all sweets and roses now, can it?). Recently, I've posted an instagram of me in a crop top with my not-so-fit tummy. It took quite awhile to convince myself to just do it and sod whatever negativity that comes with it.
Thankfully, I was on a train ride back from Birmingham (shoutout to the bestie, Heids for the amazing top) and reception was bad so I only managed to read the comments after I reached Bath a few hours later.
The majority of the comments that I got were positive ones (thanks to all the fierce women on my insta feed) but there was only ONE negative comment that bugged me. It's always that bad one that affects us the most, no? While I've tried my best to ignore it, it just lingers in my subconscious and bites me in the butt when I least expected it. If it were a stranger making those comments, I could easily brush it off. But this came from someone whom I trusted to be supportive; it is just a bit hard to get over it.
This is just what's been going on (in my mind, mostly).
I do appreciate and love all the support and encouragement from everybody else and I CANNOT thank you all enough for it!
Keep spreading the good vibes guys, you'd never know who else you'd be helping!
I cannot believe it has been a month since my last post! Time has gone by so fast that I simply lost track of it.
Just a quick summary of what I've been up to since my last post:
- Flew back to the UK
- Moved into a new house
- Started 2nd Year Uni
- Signed up for Bath Half!
I am so incredibly blessed and humbled by the actuality of the huge support system that I have. I was literally in disbelief and rendered speechless when within a few hours of putting up my fundraising page for the Bath Half, I managed to surpass my target! Like WHAT?! What's more, I'm still receiving donations days after that! I just don't know what to say but THANK YOU to all who donated, anon or not, you guys are amazing human beings that deserves all the goodness in the world!
£73 above target! This money will be able to help so many people! Much love xx
This journey has shown me the effects of spreading positivity to everyone and it has been amazing. I've been able to talk to people that I'd never will about my journey and getting to hear how my story has inspired them is just the icing on a perfectly moist cake (yum).
Despite all the good that has happened, there were a few downs to it (life can't be all sweets and roses now, can it?). Recently, I've posted an instagram of me in a crop top with my not-so-fit tummy. It took quite awhile to convince myself to just do it and sod whatever negativity that comes with it.
This was the said photo. I honestly think I look fab, despite the unfit belly..that's what should matter right?
Thankfully, I was on a train ride back from Birmingham (shoutout to the bestie, Heids for the amazing top) and reception was bad so I only managed to read the comments after I reached Bath a few hours later.
The majority of the comments that I got were positive ones (thanks to all the fierce women on my insta feed) but there was only ONE negative comment that bugged me. It's always that bad one that affects us the most, no? While I've tried my best to ignore it, it just lingers in my subconscious and bites me in the butt when I least expected it. If it were a stranger making those comments, I could easily brush it off. But this came from someone whom I trusted to be supportive; it is just a bit hard to get over it.
This is just what's been going on (in my mind, mostly).
I do appreciate and love all the support and encouragement from everybody else and I CANNOT thank you all enough for it!
Keep spreading the good vibes guys, you'd never know who else you'd be helping!
Monday, September 19
Small changes
It has been almost a week since my "great" announcement in changing my lifestyle and a lot happened.
Firstly, I was so happy and honoured that I inspired/motivated a few of my friends to start making a change in their lives. Knowing that what I wrote is powerful enough to help someone make a decision about their health is so humbling as it inspired me to be even more determined and motivated in this journey.
As expected, there were no visible changes to my body as I've been taking this at a pace that my body can accept, which is a relatively slow one. The past few days was focused more on learning the circuit routine and making sure I did them right rather than a fast-paced, endurance-based session. I know that doing it right is better than doing is fast (innuendo not intended). I can't risk spraining or tearing any muscles as that will just take me out from any form of exercise for weeks. That's the last thing I want to happen this year.
Food-wise, I did not turned 100% vegetarian or oil-free/sugar-free. I still love my protein (again, no innuendos here) and I have a terrible sweet tooth. However, Amy told me that our body will definitely know that you are trying to eat healthier and be more active; hence, will react accordingly, as long as you keep making those healthy changes, your body will start to feel good and keep feeling good.
That is exactly what has happened to me these few days.
I sleep so much better now and I have less cravings for bad, sugary food. I'm in a genuinely better mood and don't feel so down anymore. Of course, those criticizing sessions in front of the mirror still happens but it's less self-loathing and more self-encouraging. I remember using to stick post-it notes on my mirror to cheer me up during my acne phase and it helped me. This time around, I found that saying it out loud gives it that extra dose of self-love that I needed.
Just a short one from me, been busy packing for my long trip back to the UK!
Till next time,
Liza x
Firstly, I was so happy and honoured that I inspired/motivated a few of my friends to start making a change in their lives. Knowing that what I wrote is powerful enough to help someone make a decision about their health is so humbling as it inspired me to be even more determined and motivated in this journey.
As expected, there were no visible changes to my body as I've been taking this at a pace that my body can accept, which is a relatively slow one. The past few days was focused more on learning the circuit routine and making sure I did them right rather than a fast-paced, endurance-based session. I know that doing it right is better than doing is fast (innuendo not intended). I can't risk spraining or tearing any muscles as that will just take me out from any form of exercise for weeks. That's the last thing I want to happen this year.
Food-wise, I did not turned 100% vegetarian or oil-free/sugar-free. I still love my protein (again, no innuendos here) and I have a terrible sweet tooth. However, Amy told me that our body will definitely know that you are trying to eat healthier and be more active; hence, will react accordingly, as long as you keep making those healthy changes, your body will start to feel good and keep feeling good.
That is exactly what has happened to me these few days.
I sleep so much better now and I have less cravings for bad, sugary food. I'm in a genuinely better mood and don't feel so down anymore. Of course, those criticizing sessions in front of the mirror still happens but it's less self-loathing and more self-encouraging. I remember using to stick post-it notes on my mirror to cheer me up during my acne phase and it helped me. This time around, I found that saying it out loud gives it that extra dose of self-love that I needed.
Just a short one from me, been busy packing for my long trip back to the UK!
Till next time,
Liza x
Wednesday, September 14
Baby steps
*Day 1 of being enthusiastic*
Today, I snoozed my alarm less and woke up feeling determined. I wish I could say that I worked out the whole day but I didn't. I ran for 20 minutes and did 3 minutes of skipping. It isn't the ultimate calorie buster workout but I felt immensely better after that. Plus, I got to shower with my Lush Refreshing body soap that smells like citrus heaven and feels amazing.
I was relieved with the support I got after publishing my previous post. I was expecting a lot of eyes rolling and smirking but instead I got the support and love from only the amazing human beings I am fortunate to be Facebook friends with (you know who you are). Also, Amy (mentor and will be mentioned a few times) have been so gracious with her support and keeping me motivated by saying the right things and offering to be my running buddy in Bath!
Along the same lines, I know I needed a huge challenge to conquer to keep me motivated. That is why I have decided to run the Bath Half next March. It is supposedly to be an easy run with not much elevation but hey, 21km is still 21km. It is daunting but I'm moving one step at a time.
Starting with getting my stamina good enough to run 5k in 30 minutes. It is all about realistic goals and moving upward from there. See, using my sports psychology knowledge to good use.
Tomorrow, is a new day.
Today, I snoozed my alarm less and woke up feeling determined. I wish I could say that I worked out the whole day but I didn't. I ran for 20 minutes and did 3 minutes of skipping. It isn't the ultimate calorie buster workout but I felt immensely better after that. Plus, I got to shower with my Lush Refreshing body soap that smells like citrus heaven and feels amazing.
My first run! Incline: 7; Time: 22mins; Distance: 1.68miles (about 3km).
Watched AndyMetSonia vlogs while I ran! p.s. how cute is Levi?!
Along the same lines, I know I needed a huge challenge to conquer to keep me motivated. That is why I have decided to run the Bath Half next March. It is supposedly to be an easy run with not much elevation but hey, 21km is still 21km. It is daunting but I'm moving one step at a time.
Starting with getting my stamina good enough to run 5k in 30 minutes. It is all about realistic goals and moving upward from there. See, using my sports psychology knowledge to good use.
Tomorrow, is a new day.
Tuesday, September 13
Restart: A different journey.
"This year, I want to achieve great things and prove people wrong."
That was me on New Year's Day 2015 and 2016. Year after every year, I seem to have not achieve anything significant.
Yes, I got into an amazing university and went on a once in a lifetime volunteering programme last summer (read it here). However, there were days where I felt that I could be doing something worth being enthusiastic about. There were great memories, but all it was were just temporary excitement and by the time these moments became memories, the excitement just faded. Then, I found myself living a life limited by the routines I set myself and the bubble I created.
Few days ago, the bubble that I so comfortably live up until that moment, became the bane of my existence. Within this bubble, I have become complacent with what I have and just settled. I was complacent with my body, albeit it being seriously unfit and flabby; I was complacent with my current lifestyle and goals, i.e. doing whatever was easiest and most convenient. I wasn't motivated to do anything, my life just lacked that enthusiasm to do something worth that adrenaline pump that I was used to having when I was still competitively fencing.
I was watching Christine Chan's goodbye video and she mentioned that daydreaming is a sign that your body still has a wish to do something different (p.s. the vid is full of amazing advice!). This longing for excitement was all a daydream until I was woken up.
The woke up call came from an impromptu enrollment to a 3-week health plan with my mentor, Amy. Like any other health plan, you have food diaries, workout plans and a change in lifestyle. However, the one (good) difference is that there is a community doing this alongside you. The Facebook group is a constant update of seeing other people making that first step to changing their lifestyle and somehow, the competitive spirit inside me woke up. I wanted to show people that I could do it as well.
That's when my enthusiasm started pumping excitement back into my life. I can look forward to a new day of getting my lazy bum off the couch for the day, constantly challenging myself to NOT eat that piece of fried chicken.
I realised that the only thing getting me really excited was changing my body, for the better.
*warning it is going to get real*
To be honest, I'm quite tired of being called fat or chubby. I've been called that for as long as I remember and I know people talk about my size behind my back (its okay, human tendency). I was busy controlling my acne problem and my weight had to take second priority. I was never the fit one or the better looking one among my friends or family. I am OK with not being a beauty queen, but all I want is for people to stop calling me fat. Anti-body shaming might be campaigning for beauty in all sizes, but lets be real, people still call other people fat. You might tell me that it doesn't matter what other people think, but be in my shoes for 20 years and it might change your mind.
Also, truthfully, I hate feeling unfit and looking at myself in the mirror and not feel happy. I hate feeling too self-conscious about every piece of clothing I wear. That feeling when I can no longer fit into clothes that I used to be able to eats me up inside. I hate always having to brush off body-shaming comments like it didn't hurt. I need to stop being complacent about my body.
This journey is essentially for my own well-being at the same time silencing those body-shaming friends for once.
I hope you can join me in this journey and give me your love, support and criticism.
That was me on New Year's Day 2015 and 2016. Year after every year, I seem to have not achieve anything significant.
Yes, I got into an amazing university and went on a once in a lifetime volunteering programme last summer (read it here). However, there were days where I felt that I could be doing something worth being enthusiastic about. There were great memories, but all it was were just temporary excitement and by the time these moments became memories, the excitement just faded. Then, I found myself living a life limited by the routines I set myself and the bubble I created.
2015 Summer volunteering at a plantation school in Lahad Datu
Me in my university freshers' dorm, looking all happy and excited about uni. (Sept 2016)
Few days ago, the bubble that I so comfortably live up until that moment, became the bane of my existence. Within this bubble, I have become complacent with what I have and just settled. I was complacent with my body, albeit it being seriously unfit and flabby; I was complacent with my current lifestyle and goals, i.e. doing whatever was easiest and most convenient. I wasn't motivated to do anything, my life just lacked that enthusiasm to do something worth that adrenaline pump that I was used to having when I was still competitively fencing.
I was watching Christine Chan's goodbye video and she mentioned that daydreaming is a sign that your body still has a wish to do something different (p.s. the vid is full of amazing advice!). This longing for excitement was all a daydream until I was woken up.
The woke up call came from an impromptu enrollment to a 3-week health plan with my mentor, Amy. Like any other health plan, you have food diaries, workout plans and a change in lifestyle. However, the one (good) difference is that there is a community doing this alongside you. The Facebook group is a constant update of seeing other people making that first step to changing their lifestyle and somehow, the competitive spirit inside me woke up. I wanted to show people that I could do it as well.
That's when my enthusiasm started pumping excitement back into my life. I can look forward to a new day of getting my lazy bum off the couch for the day, constantly challenging myself to NOT eat that piece of fried chicken.
I realised that the only thing getting me really excited was changing my body, for the better.
*warning it is going to get real*
To be honest, I'm quite tired of being called fat or chubby. I've been called that for as long as I remember and I know people talk about my size behind my back (its okay, human tendency). I was busy controlling my acne problem and my weight had to take second priority. I was never the fit one or the better looking one among my friends or family. I am OK with not being a beauty queen, but all I want is for people to stop calling me fat. Anti-body shaming might be campaigning for beauty in all sizes, but lets be real, people still call other people fat. You might tell me that it doesn't matter what other people think, but be in my shoes for 20 years and it might change your mind.
Also, truthfully, I hate feeling unfit and looking at myself in the mirror and not feel happy. I hate feeling too self-conscious about every piece of clothing I wear. That feeling when I can no longer fit into clothes that I used to be able to eats me up inside. I hate always having to brush off body-shaming comments like it didn't hurt. I need to stop being complacent about my body.
Me in a much better shape back in 2012/3. Now, I can't even fit into those jeans! :(
I hope you can join me in this journey and give me your love, support and criticism.
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