Baby steps

*Day 1 of being enthusiastic*

Today, I snoozed my alarm less and woke up feeling determined. I wish I could say that I worked out the whole day but I didn't. I ran for 20 minutes and did 3 minutes of skipping. It isn't the ultimate calorie buster workout but I felt immensely better after that. Plus, I got to shower with my Lush Refreshing body soap that smells like citrus heaven and feels amazing.

 My first run! Incline: 7; Time: 22mins; Distance: 1.68miles (about 3km). 

Watched AndyMetSonia vlogs while I ran! p.s. how cute is Levi?! 

I was relieved with the support I got after publishing my previous post. I was expecting a lot of eyes rolling and smirking but instead I got the support and love from only the amazing human beings I am fortunate to be Facebook friends with (you know who you are). Also, Amy (mentor and will be mentioned a few times) have been so gracious with her support and keeping me motivated by saying the right things and offering to be my running buddy in Bath!

Along the same lines, I know I needed a huge challenge to conquer to keep me motivated. That is why I have decided to run the Bath Half next March. It is supposedly to be an easy run with not much elevation but hey, 21km is still 21km. It is daunting but I'm moving one step at a time.

Starting with getting my stamina good enough to run 5k in 30 minutes. It is all about realistic goals and moving upward from there. See, using my sports psychology knowledge to good use.

Tomorrow, is a new day.

Restart: A different journey.

"This year, I want to achieve great things and prove people wrong." 

That was me on New Year's Day 2015 and 2016. Year after every year, I seem to have not achieve anything significant.

Yes, I got into an amazing university and went on a once in a lifetime volunteering programme last summer (read it here). However, there were days where I felt that I could be doing something worth being enthusiastic about. There were great memories, but all it was were just temporary excitement and by the time these moments became memories, the excitement just faded. Then, I found myself living a life limited by the routines I set myself and the bubble I created.

 

2015 Summer volunteering at a plantation school in Lahad Datu

 

 Me in my university freshers' dorm, looking all happy and excited about uni. (Sept 2016) 

Few days ago, the bubble that I so comfortably live up until that moment, became the bane of my existence. Within this bubble, I have become complacent with what I have and just settled. I was complacent with my body, albeit it being seriously unfit and flabby; I was complacent with my current lifestyle and goals, i.e. doing whatever was easiest and most convenient. I wasn't motivated to do anything, my life just lacked that enthusiasm to do something worth that adrenaline pump that I was used to having when I was still competitively fencing.

I was watching Christine Chan's goodbye video and she mentioned that daydreaming is a sign that your body still has a wish to do something different  (p.s. the vid is full of amazing advice!). This longing for excitement was all a daydream until I was woken up.

The woke up call came from an impromptu enrollment to a 3-week health plan with my mentor, Amy. Like any other health plan, you have food diaries, workout plans and a change in lifestyle. However, the one (good) difference is that  there is a community doing this alongside you. The Facebook group is a constant update of seeing other people making that first step to changing their lifestyle and somehow, the competitive spirit inside me woke up. I wanted to show people that I could do it as well.

That's when my enthusiasm started pumping excitement back into my life. I can look forward to a new day of getting my lazy bum off the couch for the day, constantly challenging myself to NOT eat that piece of fried chicken.

I realised that the only thing getting me really excited was changing my body, for the better.

*warning it is going to get real* 

To be honest, I'm quite tired of being called fat or chubby. I've been called that for as long as I remember and I know people talk about my size behind my back (its okay, human tendency). I was busy controlling my acne problem and my weight had to take second priority. I was never the fit one or the better looking one among my friends or family. I am OK with not being a beauty queen, but all I want is for people to stop calling me fat. Anti-body shaming might be campaigning for beauty in all sizes, but lets be real, people still call other people fat. You might tell me that it doesn't matter what other people think, but be in my shoes for 20 years and it might change your mind.

Also, truthfully, I hate feeling unfit and looking at myself in the mirror and not feel happy. I hate feeling too self-conscious about every piece of clothing I wear. That feeling when I can no longer fit into clothes that I used to be able to eats me up inside. I hate always having to brush off body-shaming comments like it didn't hurt. I need to stop being complacent about my body.

 

Me in a much better shape back in 2012/3. Now, I can't even fit into those jeans! :(  

This journey is essentially for my own well-being at the same time silencing those body-shaming friends for once.

I hope you can join me in this journey and give me your love, support and criticism.

The 19th Life

So hi.

I'm 19 already, was just reading my previous post and I realised that I should keep coming back to that post! It was a well written *ahem* note to self. Sometimes people stray and well we need some tugging to get back on the right track.

I was also going through "My Dreams" page and realised that I wanted to get a 4/5 in my UCAS and I did!! Sadly, I also wanted to get into CU (Cambridge University) for PBS but was rejected through a letter (hence, the missing 1/5). It was hard for me to come to terms with that rejection as months and months of building up anticipation and preparation only to have it swept aside in one swift move, in this case, a swift opening of a letter.

Well, it took me quite awhile to finally realise that my undergrad dreams in Cambridge is over and that the future is yet again uncertain. This time though, I am ready.
For now, I am ever so grateful with my offer from Bath Uni and I know I can and would have to work my butt off for this grade (A*AA). At least, I know I'm heading to an equally great place as both universities have the same offer, and Bath provides placement years which I know is vital when going out into the real "work world".

Life in CATS so far have been amazing, ups and downs yes, but amazing nonetheless. My way of carefully selecting the people I surround myself with is working out for the best. I get to be in great company and on the other hand, enjoy dwelling in my own thoughts.

So great things are ahead these next few months, like the Grad Ball in May, my volunteering project in July and UNI in September!!

All is well.

What turning 18 meant to me.

It's been a while since I've last entered a journal, be it on paper or online. It's just that overtime, I've gotten so tired of it, tired of me trying to make sense of my life by writing it down, that I just stopped.

Worst decision I ever made, because so many things happened in this year that I should really note down my thoughts but then, most of them were simply not worth reliving into words.

It was still terrible not being able to make my thoughts into words as I felt so lost. I didn't know how I should feel or how I should react. Looking back, I've grown so much from how I used to think and what I wanted to be.

People always say the best way to live is to go through the worst of times. Admittedly, I might sound a bit pretentious for knowing what 'worst of times' really is as clearly, I've never even been in a terrible state enough to call it a tragedy. In this individualistic society that we live in, it is acknowledged that everyone is different and we all have respective high and low points in our lives.

I've had my high and my lowest in the span of 10 months. I went from state fencer with a fairly acceptable body, totally in love with a boy I thought was my everything, family being on great terms with each other to 10kg heavier, single and away from my family (they're still on good terms.. well most of them are anyways) by the next 6 months. I was in denial for a while until I realised how empty I felt when I'm alone but then I learned how to get used to my own company.

Someone wise once said "You'll never get to love and be loved by someone else if you don't love yourself with complete acceptance. Once you can accept yourself for who you are, then only can you love deeply." That woke me up.

I started to enjoy company and also enjoy being in my own thoughts. I started to turn my urge to be creative, even though I know I'm not good at it, through phone photography and laying filters to make it into an image I was happy to post on instagram.

Another thing that I had to learn it the hard way was to not judge people all the time and simply not give a fuck about what they think about you. It is their business how they see you, and you have no part in it. The only thing you can do, and do it well is to be the best version of yourself. Be someone that you will admire. Say nice things, give compliments, ask them how they're doing, make a joke, go out and have a pint. Just enjoy pure human interaction. People are just interesting when you get to know them.

However, I know learned to set limits to the type of people I hang out with and the people I trust. It might be a bit contradicting to my previous point but when it comes to friends, it's all about what feels right. The feeling might not come instantaneously, as I have to find out, but when it comes, you'll know if they're worth staying in touch with after you graduate.

Personally, I've stepped back a bit from social media and exposing my life onto the internet because I'm annoyed at how other people misuse this platform and I just don't want to be part of it. Facebook shares are mostly links to touching videos and statuses are mostly very philosophical or just plain Liza. I hardly ever tweet anymore, insta pics are mostly just snapshots. I think I'm just growing old that's why. Don't really care if I managed to get over 50 likes in this picture etc.

My mind is basically non-stop sentences of things that I've learned and when I thought I'm done, another experience comes up and I want to write about it again. Although I would really like to explore my mind a little deeper, I do have to end this as it's getting incredibly long and it's late.
Early start tomorrow and they closed the bridge that I use as a shortcut to school, so I have to walk a little bit more :/

Anyways, to whoever who made it this far, thank you.

Post Drama Depression

In my very short years into being fans of Asian drama, I have skipped endless hours of beauty sleep to finish watching the series. Only a few managed to get me into PDD (post drama depression). As the amount of time needed to recover from this period takes a lot of time and often draining out my energy, I have given myself a limit as to how many I should watch at a time (only one) and how long should I give myself time to watch one series.

I am suffering from my life's biggest PDD ever. All thanks to an alien and Asia's no.1 actress.

This drama probably affected me a lot as I myself am going through emotional problems right now. When Du Min Jun said the final line of the series: "I'm home.", my heart immediately sank and I "lost all will to live". I wanted to escape into their world to be part of their story. I want to know if they would have 7 kids and 5 dogs.

I would probably sulk and rant for a few days. I know I will get over it. I have to.. there are other dramas demanded to be watched.

Things I can't write in my personal statement

Most AS students would normally fill their summer before the A2 year with activities that might help them with their personal statements like work experience, or catching up on that "recommended" reading list.

I planned to do that, too. However, things never go as planned.

The freedom I thought I would have when I reached home is all but a reality.

Coming back after being abroad for 6 months altered my perception of my home ground. The mindset of the people and the culture here is totally different than what I experienced back in the UK. I cannot necessarily say which culture is the better one as both have their flaws too. As I was alone overseas, the only type of people that I spend time with are my friends. Here, I had to choose between family and friends.

Being Asian (strong family ties etc), I was brought up to always put family first. Most of the times I chose to go with the idea, but then there are times when I wanted to contradict this concept. Unfortunately, to pay the price for sticking with my own blood, I had to stand at the sidelines *Snapchats*  to watch my friends enjoy themselves.

Old people like to say that all these "having fun" is not worth it and that I should do more productive things. I just think that they are being unfair as they had the chance to "have fun" while I don't. Thing is, where I am from, in 3 months time, most of my high school friends would be overseas. Everyone will not be in the same place. I have a few who are already overseas and the few days that they were back, I couldn't even meet up with them because I had to "stay at home".

Is this how it's like to grow up, having to choose between what you have to do and what you want to do?

As the elder one in the family, I am expected to be the better example for my younger siblings. I tried to do my best to show them that there are times when family should come first. However, seems like the few times I choose not to do so, I am immediately pointed out for contradicting myself, but then they are allowed to do things this 18 year old couldn't do.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have come home.

Going into my first month of summer, I learned to stand up for myself and not be too reserved. I learned to accept the fact that friends can have fun with other friends and that I can too. I learned (the hard way) that by not saying what you want to say, you would end up regretting it for a very long time. Finally, I learned that not getting your way is the first step of learning how to get your way.

I wished the UCAS would accept this but in reality, I do still need work experience to get into the good universities! Commence job hunting.

Sunshine and Mosquitos

Finally back on home soil!

To be fair, I kept my arrival pretty secret from my friends and some of my family. I felt like I didn't want to make a big deal out of it so I told them I was arriving at a later date. Turns out my plan to surprise them backfired as they got kind of mad when they saw me 10 days before I was expected to arrive.

I'm not sure if I am happy or relieved to be back. Happy because I know that I can sleep in and choose not to do anything school related for the day or relieved that I don't have to worry about money anymore. Finances always scare me.

It feels so weird now that when I was catching up with a few friends that I realised some of my schoolmates were either leaving soon or have already left. It's weird that just last year, I used to see them 6 days a week for 8 hours a day in school and now, I hardly get to spend 20 mins with some of them. I guess this is what happens after high school. I do get a sense of relief that even though we haven't seen each other in months, we could still talk like how we used to, and that makes me feel at home.

Friendships are so hard to keep. It's so easy for people to just lose contact. Although there's all these social media sites to keep their contacts in store but really, who has the time now to private message someone from the past? Liking an instagram picture hardly counts as "still in touch".

Deep down I know who is worth the late night yumchas and the early morning runs with. I just hope I'm like that to them to.

Anyways, enjoying all the Vitamin D and the excess UV rays here. Hoping to get a tan! Also, the mosquitos must've missed my blood so much that they can't get enough of it. Tropical life. *pun intended*

Personal statement should be the last thing on my mind.