Welcome back to another chapter to my soul-searching, inner reflection journey. The past few posts after the third chapter were quite on the surface in that I didn't really share much of my thoughts. Truth is, up until a month ago, I had nothing much to share with you guys.
March was a struggle. I was having trouble sleeping and then trouble waking up. Trust me, I wanted sleep. There were days when I couldn't leave the bed till 10/11am or I couldn't fall asleep until 3am. It was a hard few weeks, it destroyed my motivation to go for work or do anything else. It was like there was a voice that kept reminding me that there was no point in me waking up early and doing anything productive, because it won't amount to anything. I felt defeated.
This was happening as I was abstaining from social media.
I disabled and deleted all the social media apps and just went off the grid (well, I couldn't delete WhatsApp or Messenger). As I mentioned in the previous post, it was to get rid of the negativity that it made me feel. While I tried to make it sound as liberating as possible, truth is, that feeling only lasted awhile. Soon, I find myself mindlessly swiping through my home screen looking for an app to click on, to escape from reality. Then I had to catch myself and kept in mind why I was really doing it - to improve my attention span.
Yes, cutting off from the online world does stop you from comparing your reality to other's superficial online presence and that helps ease the mind a bit. However, after an excessive usage of social media over the past few years has made my attention span as short as a goldfish. There were times when I couldn't even concentrate on a conversation as my mind started thinking about something else -mainly to the notifications on the apps. Guys, it was really bad.
Thing is, I worked most of my life to be as smart as possible, to be as knowledgeable so I could feel useful in this world. I didn't really excel in the beauty or sports department so from a young age, I knew the only thing that I could improve on was my brain. To find that I was destroying the only thing that I worked hard to curate gave me a reality kick in the butt. I needed to refocus, to refresh my brain. Felt like the only way was to unplug from the only thing that gave me the least stimulation - social media.
However, the withdrawal symptom (i.e. itching to check your phone every 5 minutes) lasted longer than expected, the whole of Lent actually. I guess that's what brought about the lack of motivation in the past month. I'm not quite sure how they are linked together but I think the sudden absence of virtual places to escape to sent my brain into a shock. Suddenly, there is a need to find something to do, to properly stimulate the 'littel grey cells' as Hercule Poirot puts it. No more mindless scrolling and double-tapping. It's time to learn to be smart again.
Right now, I only check Facebook, Twitter and Instagram when I'm on my laptop. Occasionally, I enable them on my phone for a few hours or a day or two. I suddenly feel that I had more control over it, like I have the power to delete them and not let them consume my life. This is when it was truly liberating, funnily enough only after Lent was over.
Yes, it did take awhile to fully unplug, it is not a fast-diet scheme. It takes time and a lot of self-control. Honestly, I did sneak a peek or two at my Facebook and Instagram account during the fast. It wasn't as cold turkey as I wanted it to be. Oh well.
I realised a progressive improvement with my sleep schedule and I moved my workouts to the mornings so I have a reason to get out of bed earlier (still struggle with the 7am alarm though - any tips for that?). The motivation is slowly coming back and I'm hoping to achieve what I want to before my placement ends. Can't believe there is only 2 months left before I move back to Bath. I try not to dwell on that thought yet.
I hope that my struggle resonates with some of you (especially the sleeping part - I have yet to understand why that happened). As always, come let's have a conversation about it!
Here is to a more productive, longer attention span April.
Till then,
LM x
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