The Stress of Choice

Been three months into college and there are days where I have to let everything sink in. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm studying in Cambridge and that I'm going to university in less than 18 months.

UNIVERSITY.

For so long, it has always been a distant dream. Now, I have been spending time researching universities, their requirements for different courses and scholarships available. My UCAS list have been changing every time I find another university that offer better courses, have better facilities etc.

In retrospect, my obsession with getting into Oxbridge was mainly to make my dad proud (and also to impress people *people pleaser*). As of now, I don't really see the necessity of getting into them. I would still consider applying for either one (UCAS only allow application for one of the two), but chances are very slim. Mainly because only about 11% of applicants (for Psychology, varies for other subjects) get accepted, and from that number, only 15% are international students. The thought of it stresses me out enough already.

I know it is still early to be talking about university, seeing as the AS exam is 62 days away.. still far.

Anyways, I do have some advice for those (especially my sister) who are planning (or are going) to do A-levels in the UK:-

• Make sure your subject choices are relevant for the course you want to do in Uni. (Remember: Maths is considered a science subject) 
• In choosing where to study, location, teaching faculty and student support are key aspects to consider. You don't want to go to a college where you are not happy with it, there is really no point. 
• Don't fuss too much about how the accommodation is like. As long as there is WiFi and a kitchen, it's good enough.
• Scared that you won't make friends? Don't worry, you won't be the only one. Just have the guts to say "Hi." Common conversation starters: "Where are you from?" "What subjects are you taking?" or even "What do you think of the weather?"
• Start learning how to budget and manage your time well! Mummy won't be there to nag you to take your shower or to study. DO IT YOURSELF. 

I guess that's the best I can say right now. I'm also trying to follow my own advice, especially the last one. Physics mock tomorrow! Alright, hitting the books now. 

Thoughts and prayers going out to families and friends of those on board the MH370. Be strong. 

Sincerest gratitude to all nations who are helping out to locate the passenger jet. Ribuan terima kasih. 

Stressed.

As per normal, I am here to let off some steam.
I am becoming more and more stressed out as the mocks' are drawing near. Even though the syllabus only cover the topic that have been taught up until now, I still feel overwhelmed by the amount I have to revise.

Come to think of it, the whole thing is the least of my worries.

Money bothers me. Feelings bothers me.

Financially, I am incapable of managing my money. I was so looking forward to watch the 2014 Oscars online only to end up paying 3 quids for a subscription to the worst online movie site ever. Then, only to spend another 1 quid to cancel the damn account. Fml. I really try to save up knowing the situation my family is in.

Then the emotions never failed to stir up my already fucked up life. Just as I was comfortably living in loneliness, all external elements that I tried my best to avoid, just comes in all at once enveloping my whole soul into emotional turmoil, as if I'm not messed up enough.

Why I entangle myself into this mess, however, is a question I can never answer fully with honesty.

I am my worst critic, at the same time, my most loyal fan.

The headaches are back. The pain is back. When will it ever go away?

Distant

For the last 5 months of 2013, I have gone through a terrible time emotionally. It was those kind of phases where I never want to relive again so I stored them in a mental safe box in my mind and vowed to never open it.

Then I came here to start everything from scratch, only to find out that, I'm not over that terrible phase yet. Although I am almost out but there are times where I just sit down and mope about it. Pathetic I know, but I can't help it. I want to know how he is doing, if he is okay. Pretty shitty feeling to be honest. 

I am lucky enough to find someone else who understands this here though I hardly bring him (ex) up because I knew it wouldn't be fair for this new guy. A close friend of mine told me I was moving too quick and my friends here said that I have to be sure about my feelings and make sure that he was not just a.. rebound, as it wouldn't be fair to him (new guy) right?

Took me a really long time and really deep thinking to realise that they may be right.

Then, he blew me away. It felt like I was happier and more comfortable with the new guy now. 

But the past still haunts me. I don't want to lose another friend.

I guess the reason why I'm still partially clinging onto the past is that I didn't really have a proper closure about it. It was kind of a cliff hanger and I needed to end it. Tried many times to initiate "closure" but it never worked out. The other party just couldn't give two shits about this. I guess we can't be 100% satisfied with our past. 

Hello from the UK.

It seems like the older I got, the faster time passed by. 

What felt like seconds, in reality is actually 3 weeks. Almost getting through my first month as a college student in a foreign land. So far, it is going well.

In my previous post, I did mention that I was terrified about starting school all alone, friendless. To be frank, I really was. My first two nights in the hostel were mostly spent inside my room, whatsapping family and friends back home, feeling homesick and alone. 

As induction came along, manged to make a few friends who later became my good friends here in college.

I guess my only advice to those going to a foreign land for studying or are just in a completely new environment, is to not to be shy to say "Hi." That's how I met most of my friends here. 

I guess it just takes your guts to muster out a single "Hello" to really increase your chances of meeting really interesting and nice people. That is what I learned so far here at CATS.

Turning 18 in England (also my first birthday away from home) was really nice. There wasn't a big celebration but my new friends here made me so happy with their wishes and gifts (though they didn't have to get me anything). Of course, the peeps back home outdid themselves this year with all the explicit and sweet wishes. Truly truly blessed. 

Well I will try to keep this blog alive because doing 5 terms A levels is kind of a challenge as I have to finish my AS syllabus in two terms instead of three! Well, I guess I can cope as I'm taking Maths, Physics and Sociology. A balance on both calculations and writing. 

Ah well, that's all for now. 

Cheerios! (Haha, so English lol)

The next step.

T-minus 47 days till I sit for SPM. Then less than 30 days after my last paper, I will be off to England. Thinking about leaving home to study scares the hell out of me sometimes.

I will be alone and I won't have any friends on the first day of college. I remember my first day of primary school where I was entering a class full of strangers and I never felt so scared and alone. Way back then, I had my mum to cry to, but when I enter college, I wouldn't have anyone to run to.

I'll be on my own.

I would have to make new friends all by myself and the thought terrifies me.
First days always bring me nightmares.

Okay, now that I've got my fear out of my head, I'll just have to toughen up and be confident.
Who knows? Maybe there is someone out there who is in the exact situation as I am.

So anyone out there who is attending or will be attending CATS, I guess I'll see you there in January :)

Dang it, I'm still nervous.

149

I've been so obsessed of having this "like the movies" kind of relationship where feeling happy and loved every single day was expected. I got way over my head thinking those kind of relationship really do exist.

I started picking on small little things that weren't supposed to be part of a "loving" relationship and made those little things seemed like a big problem. I started worrying and becoming a little bit too emotional about it.

I forgot about my principles. I forgot that I promised myself that I won't be that type of girl when it comes to relationship, the type that expects too much from a guy, the "Overly Attached Girlfriend" type. I got too caught up with the idea of a perfect relationship that I wanted my current relationship to be exactly like the idea of a "perfect" relationship that was implanted in my head through chic novels and romantic movies.

It took a hard blow to the head to finally clear my mind. I realized how selfish I have become and that I also lost a part of me in the process. It ached to know that it was too late to undo the damage but I am blessed to have someone who is patient enough to let me fix it.

It's amazing how much I learned from a simple (some said it to be complicated) human interaction.

A guy who calls himself "Master of Love" once said to me:

"Relationships for our age aren't meant to be taken very seriously.. You get into a relationship to know that at the end of any day, someone will always be there to make you feel better."

Some people may interpret it by their own ways, but to me, it made me remember of my promise to myself.

You know what sucks?

Wanting to go where ever you want but you can't because you have not gotten your license yet.

But you know what sucks even more?

Wanting to go where ever you want but still can't even though you already have your license.

From the previous post, you would know that I was excited about finally getting my driver's license. I expected that I would be able to drive to school, the state library and to training on a daily basis. In reality however, I got my license card 2 weeks late and my dad only allow me to drive around the housing area with supervision. Like driving around houses would let me get a taste of how actual driving is.. bitch please.

Maybe you'll say, "Hey, at least he lets you drive.." and think that I'm being over-dramatic about this but what if you hear your own brother saying this:

"Hey, maybe soon I'll see you on the obituary page" *laughs*

and my dad still defending him (after I scolded him for being insensible) saying that I should be forgiving and caring because I am a follower of Christ and that I shouldn't take what he said into heart.

What's the point of paying RM1,500 for my driving lessons and exams only to not let me drive in the end? And what's the point of passing the exam and still getting laughed at for being a terrible driver when you haven't even seen me drive?!

Even my tutor said I am steady enough to drive and still my brother has to make fun of my driving as if he knows how I drive. He couldn't even tell the difference between forty thousand and four thousand and he is TWELVE. What's even worse is having my parents backing him up and saying I always remember the negative parts of life and not the positive part.

Honestly, I just want him to shut the fuck up and think before he speaks because when he enters high school while shit still flowing through his mouth, he would have a bad time.

Still, my dad will forever stand by his side because my little brother is an angel to him and probably seemed like the only child among the siblings who would want to follow in his footsteps in becoming a lawyer and hopefully a politician.

Biased family is biased.

Shouldn't even be online now, but since I deleted my Twitter app, this seemed like the only place for me to rant. Having a history test tomorrow, probably should start studying. 

Sigh, I can never win an argument with my dad. 

Till whenever I see you. xx