Distant

For the last 5 months of 2013, I have gone through a terrible time emotionally. It was those kind of phases where I never want to relive again so I stored them in a mental safe box in my mind and vowed to never open it.

Then I came here to start everything from scratch, only to find out that, I'm not over that terrible phase yet. Although I am almost out but there are times where I just sit down and mope about it. Pathetic I know, but I can't help it. I want to know how he is doing, if he is okay. Pretty shitty feeling to be honest. 

I am lucky enough to find someone else who understands this here though I hardly bring him (ex) up because I knew it wouldn't be fair for this new guy. A close friend of mine told me I was moving too quick and my friends here said that I have to be sure about my feelings and make sure that he was not just a.. rebound, as it wouldn't be fair to him (new guy) right?

Took me a really long time and really deep thinking to realise that they may be right.

Then, he blew me away. It felt like I was happier and more comfortable with the new guy now. 

But the past still haunts me. I don't want to lose another friend.

I guess the reason why I'm still partially clinging onto the past is that I didn't really have a proper closure about it. It was kind of a cliff hanger and I needed to end it. Tried many times to initiate "closure" but it never worked out. The other party just couldn't give two shits about this. I guess we can't be 100% satisfied with our past. 

Honesty and good things that come with it..

(well, not necessarily) 

For several years, I have had troubles being honest with myself and with others.
I wasn't being dishonest to mock or hurt anyone, but merely for the sake of everything. Or so I thought.

Just recently, I realised how rewarding it is to be honest for a change. I've managed to escape from a "would-be" terrible relationship and somehow ended up on the brighter side of the rainbow.

The truth does hurt but like the tumblr posts with words on it says "Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie." I know that a lot of people are afraid to tell the truth because they might not be able to accept the outcome of it, trust me, I am one of those people but learn to choose the right words to put it out there and maybe the outcome isn't as bad as it seems, might even be better. 

Seriously, if you don't, it'll slowly eat you up from the inside and by the time you decide to let it out, it might not be pretty. Friends, lovers and family members should try to be honest with each other. I'm not saying it will be easy.

And to the friends, lovers or family members, if he/she is trying to be honest and what they say might be hurtful, do try to forgive them for they are trying to honest, for sure, you have something to say about them too.

A simple reminder though, a secret, when bestowed upon you is meant to be kept as a secret. Sharing it out to the whole world isn't an act of honesty but rather an act of betrayal of trust.
Do learn to differentiate this. 

Then your tummy flips..

There was a time when I thought that I would always walk alone on this journey.
I started becoming used to the idea that I've overlooked all the other possibilities.
Friends and family will always be the beautiful flowers that grow at the side of my life's pathway, always there to give me a reason to take a step forward.
Never thought I would end up sharing that pathway with somebody.

Then it happened. 

It totally caught me off guard, like an unexpected turn that appears suddenly on your life journey and you take that turn anyways because deep down you know it's the right thing to do now.

Being only 16, everybody will say there's still so much in store for me. I know that, but I'd rather seize the moment and love every second of it, with him. There's nothing wrong with that, right?

Honestly, I am happy to share this pathway with that footsteps. They might gradually fade away or they might stay with me till the end, but why care about the future when the present is so wonderful?

I might be confusing you with all this but I'm just somebody who does not like to go straight to the point with certain things. :) If you get it, you get it.

Alast! She speaks!

During my 40 days of absence, I have gone through so much emotions.
In a blink of an eye, I have lost my beloved grandaunt, won my first national medal and learned not to simply let myself plunge into an emotional roller coaster with somebody that I hardly know.

Recently, I've also learned that behind every good deed, is a motive to destroy.

Let's just say that I've grown up. Well a bit. Experienced a taste of what the real world is like and I'm slowly preparing myself to face it while I still have time.

~

 

So yeah, I was welcomed at my dashboard just now by a comment that well, motivated me to blog about something today :)

To whoever you are out there, THANK YOU so much for letting me know that there is at least one person who is interested to know more :)

So, day 24, is up on it's way.

-LM xox

Things I never said...

It happened to me a couple of times when I never seized the opportunity to say something that might mean a lot to that person. It ended up bugging me for a long time. It still is.

I hated myself for not speaking up. I know I should've said something. I should've done something. It could've change the future, or what is has become, the present. That was a lot of modal verbs.

Quoting Carrie Underwood, "all the bridges burnt and there are lessons learned." I've learned to not let other people's opinion effect mine. People always have something mean or critical to say. Everyone is a critic. But then, the toughest critic is still yourself. If I myself like it, why should I be bothered about other people's view?

I knew I should've at least apologise for being such a ridiculous person. I was so young (I still am by the way) and very immature. Honestly, I was scared of getting hurt. I've seen it happen in front of me and I think I can feel just how devastated I would feel if it were me.

Then, I lose the opportunity to say something. The shadow of "Why didn't I..." follow me around everyday to haunt me. I've prayed and wished hard that I might get that redo chance but it never came. Talk about YOLO. *sarcastic laugh*

So yeah, to anyone reading this, seize the moment. If your heart tells you something, don't hesitate.
But don't try to hurt somebody. Choose your words wisely people.

We all have feelings, but how often do we show it?

When he didn't say no,

and when he didn't say yes either.

I'm left here alone to wonder, does he or does he not?
It's been too long and I'm starting to get a little bit annoyed. No, very much annoyed.
I mean, how can he bear with the thought that he left this poor little girl hanging, waiting for him?
That's just wrong. Unstable emotions is what happens, to me.

Been telling myself to forget about it and carry on with life, but there will always be this moment when I ask myself, "How can I?"

This is not something I can just delete and refresh.

Not your only child..

It annoys me when my parents ask me to do something when I'm in the middle of doing something else, and just expects me to drop everything on my hand and do it for them. It's not that I'm being disrespectful, but if you have 3 other siblings, who are obviously not doing anything, and you end up being called for, you couldn't help but wonder, "why me? They are not doing anything, why not them?"

"I'm busy." Is a line I've learned not to use when being in this situation.
They would always use this classic comeback line:
"When I ask you to do something, then you're busy. But when there's nothing I want you to do, you're not busy." 

That always leaves me speechless, because I don't want to continue with "Well, you always choose the times when I'm doing something" 
That would only end up with all my request for something being ignored.

In the end, I always do as I'm told and avoid all the drama.

But I couldn't help but wonder, why always me? You guys have 3 more children who would happily do those things for you, when they have nothing else better to do though, but yet you chose the busy one.
I JUST DON'T GET IT. 

Another mystery about a parent.

Thinking Back

So I had this short term emotional breakdown the other day, and suddenly, it dawned on me the importance of life and all the other melodramatic whatnots. Then I thought about my blog, on how it has evolved over these years and what thoughts have I chosen to insert into this online diary of mine and how it all came to be..

It was the mid 2008 when I was preparing for my first ever public exams- UPSR and that was also the time when my hormones took over my conscience. I started getting over-emotional over small stuffs and became isolated among my friends. So, that was how my URL 'lonelyamongfriends' came to be. I would never dream of changing it because this line reminds me of the situation I was and how that managed to strengthen me in a way that I won't ever feel as lonely as before. The reason I started this blog was to allow myself to express all my deepest thought onto a piece of virtual paper as a diary alternative when my pen ran out of ink or when my journal runs out of paper. (I guessed I lost track of that)

Then, as I enter highschool early 2009, I finally met other bloggers (I wasn't that public with mine in primary school) like Heidi and Laura and it somehow changed the way I blog, (you can explore my old archives if you want to know what I mean) and I believed the hype. The contents of my blog varied from life experiences to just random updates about nothing in particular. It then became an addiction. I was constantly checking stats and my chatbox (I've already removed it) to see who's reading my blog.
Ohmygosh.

Fast forward to 2011, so far I have posted about so many random thoughts and life in general. But lately, it has always been about what I have been up to and not much about putting any thought into it. So I might go back to blogging about my sad/happy life and probably bore you to death. Oh well, nobody likes reading about other people's sufferings anyways.

Was just reading the posts written by the 12 year old me and boy! do pardon my English then. I was still using the Sabahan Rojak and man, it was BAD. LOL-ing at myself right now. "Crazysteve" I mean like WTH?

Yes, poor me. 

Sick just days before the exam that I've been preparing for the past 3 years.

Sad life :'( 

Supposed to be studying but my mind just won't take in any more information. 

Mom will be in the UK when I sit for my first paper and Dad, well, he'll be in KL as usual. 

No one will be nagging me to study or go to sleep for the whole PMR period. 

It's just up to me and my determination. 

BUT THEN, my 40 year old uncle is finally getting engaged on the 8th, which is in the middle of exams and I'm looking forward to that more than the exam. So, I can tell I'm screwed :/

So, to anyone reading this, please please please pray for me and I will pray for you too! 

God Bless and yeah.

The Addict.

Angry Birds. Who isn't addicted to that wingless bird flying, green pig killing, wood-ice-stone smashing game?

When the movie Rio was released, suddenly, this game got thousands and thousands of downloads from the Internet. All of the sudden, everybody is comparing scores and getting frustrated over the last pig on the screen.

Why am I writing this post again?

Oh yeah, what I was trying to say is that I am addicted to all different versions of Angry Birds. I knew it was official when I went to sleep one day and dreamt of me getting 3-stars and all the golden eggs. Yeah, that was freaky.
But I got addicted at the wrong time. I'm supposed to be doing past year questions and taking notes, and what am I doing now?? Angry Birds and blogging.

It's very complicated. 

Well then, I'm off procrastinating! I heard there's a new Tom Daley advert! Can't wait to see it! :D