Stressed.

As per normal, I am here to let off some steam.
I am becoming more and more stressed out as the mocks' are drawing near. Even though the syllabus only cover the topic that have been taught up until now, I still feel overwhelmed by the amount I have to revise.

Come to think of it, the whole thing is the least of my worries.

Money bothers me. Feelings bothers me.

Financially, I am incapable of managing my money. I was so looking forward to watch the 2014 Oscars online only to end up paying 3 quids for a subscription to the worst online movie site ever. Then, only to spend another 1 quid to cancel the damn account. Fml. I really try to save up knowing the situation my family is in.

Then the emotions never failed to stir up my already fucked up life. Just as I was comfortably living in loneliness, all external elements that I tried my best to avoid, just comes in all at once enveloping my whole soul into emotional turmoil, as if I'm not messed up enough.

Why I entangle myself into this mess, however, is a question I can never answer fully with honesty.

I am my worst critic, at the same time, my most loyal fan.

The headaches are back. The pain is back. When will it ever go away?

Things I never said...

It happened to me a couple of times when I never seized the opportunity to say something that might mean a lot to that person. It ended up bugging me for a long time. It still is.

I hated myself for not speaking up. I know I should've said something. I should've done something. It could've change the future, or what is has become, the present. That was a lot of modal verbs.

Quoting Carrie Underwood, "all the bridges burnt and there are lessons learned." I've learned to not let other people's opinion effect mine. People always have something mean or critical to say. Everyone is a critic. But then, the toughest critic is still yourself. If I myself like it, why should I be bothered about other people's view?

I knew I should've at least apologise for being such a ridiculous person. I was so young (I still am by the way) and very immature. Honestly, I was scared of getting hurt. I've seen it happen in front of me and I think I can feel just how devastated I would feel if it were me.

Then, I lose the opportunity to say something. The shadow of "Why didn't I..." follow me around everyday to haunt me. I've prayed and wished hard that I might get that redo chance but it never came. Talk about YOLO. *sarcastic laugh*

So yeah, to anyone reading this, seize the moment. If your heart tells you something, don't hesitate.
But don't try to hurt somebody. Choose your words wisely people.

We all have feelings, but how often do we show it?

Overdue Feelings

There will always be this guy that you can't not have feelings for, no matter how small.
For me, it has happened.

Probably it's because I got too used to liking somebody that when I finally decide not to, the habit doesn't break easily, the need to sneak a peek at him, the thoughts about him that doesn't really matter, the butterflies you expect to get but doesn't really come.... I'm confusing myself even more everyday.

I need a distraction. Perhaps going to London is just one of the getaways I crave for. To get away from all the crap I have been having just to focus on what really matters now.I'm tired of taking crap from anybody and what's up with the "forever alone" tags? *sigh*, the crap I have to endure each day.

Enough about crap. I'm going to focus on my future and hopefully get away as far as possible from here.

I still love my hometown tho'. SABAHAN FOR LIFE. :)