Bad feels, good feels, all the feels.

First of all, thank you to all who sent me encouraging messages and shared their stories with me since I last posted. It was truly heartwarming to see other people be so willing to share their feelings (with me), which made me realise that we don't have conversations like these as often as we should. I don't think that feeling down/not okay should be a taboo conversation, when you are talking to someone you trust and who cares for you. The bad helps us appreciate the good in things, right?

On that note, the recovery process so far has been bumpy, but I know I am progressing. Sometimes I still feel part of me is still quite exhausted from being emotionally shredded but the pain is decreasing (or am I getting numb to it?) Not going to lie, there were days when I find it extremely hard to leave my bed in the morning and start the day. Not sure if it is the sadness or just the sudden drop in temperature (darn you, Arctic Wind), or a little mix of both. Thankfully, I love my placement enough to wake up at 7:45am on most days. Just burying myself in research upon research and seeing where I can piece things together is altogether exhilarating and scary. I'm scared that I'll invest 200% and be a total geek about it: just wanting to tell everybody what I know. Not sure if that is a good thing in a social setting but it keeps my mind busy and life exciting.

 

(whenever people ask me about my research.. is this how academics feel like?!)

 Also, the clock went back an hour recently and we have less sunlight *sarcastic cheer*. One thing I've learned from behavioural psychology is that humans have patterns, our actions/emotions always follow the same sequence (reference needed, don't quote me on this). For example, since I've moved to the UK, when the day gets shorter and colder, I think I get Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD, more info here). Quick note: I'm not medically diagnosed with SAD, I saw the list of symptoms and it made sense. Anyways, this would result in me, sobbing uncontrollably on the phone with my mum, crying over the most trivial things. "Why you telling us about this?" you may ask. Frankly, I don't really have a clear reason, maybe I just want to bring to light that this condition is real or probably when I am hard to be around, I hope you'll understand. Hopefully though, it would make you realise we all have to deal with mental health issues at some point in our lives and that we should all try our best to support each other. TALK, people TALK. Here's me advocating mental health awareness because I don't see why it is such a 'hush-hush' thing that people feel uncomfortable talking about. I mean, talking is one way of making your way towards the road of recovery. I mean you scream when you are in physical pain right? So why can't we talk when we are suffering mentally?

Yay, controversial conversations. Let's grab a coffee and chat/debate/argue.


Something that helps me get through SAD is loving Christmas. For whatever reasons, religious or not, it is the most wonderful time of the year. Why? Because despite the lack of sunlight, Christmas lights bring just as much joy (at least, to me). So when I start jamming some Bublé or wearing Christmas jumpers around, just roll your eyes and tell yourself that it is a defense mechanism against falling into the deep pit of darkness. Inner reflections! 

That's all I have to say at the moment regarding the emotional crisis of September 2017. Again, thank you to all who came to talk to me, sending lots of love. 

Can't wait for the Christmas lights to be up! 
Liza x

Broke down, heartbroken but determined.

I knew I was having too much of a great time. I was blinded by the good things that were happening and forgot to anticipate the storm, tornado and whirlpool of crap that is coming my way.

November is nothing short of a montage of mental breakdowns, rejections and disappointments. With one day left in this horrendous month, I needed to get this off my chest.

If you're a Psych undergraduate in Bath, you'd know what I'm talking about: FOUR deadlines (2 reports and 2 essays) due in a span of 10 days was the haunted house that all of us were forced to enter (imagine Andy from Ellen) and boy, it was rough. Maybe the department really couldn't help it but it was just a very shitty time. Then, to add to the horror, we had to start applying for placements, which are basically job applications (cover letters, written exercises, application forms).
I can't really describe the level of stress without using a profanity, so I hope you'd get the picture.

Even after all the deadline horror and application process, it was impossible for me to stay completely relaxed. Unfortunately, my 'dream' placement, so to say, was crushed just early today and I cried, alone, while brewing a fresh pot of coffee. I couldn't function for a whole 10 minutes. I microwaved my lunch but couldn't pick up my spoon, I wanted to talk to someone but couldn't bring myself up to call anyone. I hit a new low, which surprised me after all the mental breakdowns I had the past few weeks.
In short, I'm not used to rejection. There, I said it.

I've been trained to always get it right on the first try. I've been moulded into thinking that if I work hard enough, I'll get what I want. In a way, I put in 110% believing that I'll acheive my goals. When that doesn't happen, I fall very hard. I'd beat myself up so hard and start swallowing myself in disappointment and destructive criticism, which is counter-productive and I waste my whole day. To justify this, I'd let myself know that it is okay to allow yourself to be sad because it is only human. This then becomes counter-intuitive as I'll cease to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Recently, I've been trying not to beat myself up and continue believing that I will achieve my goals and that I just have to keep on working hard. Easier said than done really. It takes so much mental strength to see that and it is a muscle I am committed to working out (other than my abs, quads, biceps, triceps etc.)

I'm writing this not only to set my mind straight but to hopefully resonate with some of you. Life post-high school is no walk in the park but then again, the only way you can truly know your strength and appreciate your worth is going through the toughest of challenges.

This is one of my toughest and I know that I will get out of this stronger. I just need to stop crying and get back to work. Possibly have a glass of wine tonight.

Appreciate all the support and love. Don't forget to love yourself first!

Stressed.

As per normal, I am here to let off some steam.
I am becoming more and more stressed out as the mocks' are drawing near. Even though the syllabus only cover the topic that have been taught up until now, I still feel overwhelmed by the amount I have to revise.

Come to think of it, the whole thing is the least of my worries.

Money bothers me. Feelings bothers me.

Financially, I am incapable of managing my money. I was so looking forward to watch the 2014 Oscars online only to end up paying 3 quids for a subscription to the worst online movie site ever. Then, only to spend another 1 quid to cancel the damn account. Fml. I really try to save up knowing the situation my family is in.

Then the emotions never failed to stir up my already fucked up life. Just as I was comfortably living in loneliness, all external elements that I tried my best to avoid, just comes in all at once enveloping my whole soul into emotional turmoil, as if I'm not messed up enough.

Why I entangle myself into this mess, however, is a question I can never answer fully with honesty.

I am my worst critic, at the same time, my most loyal fan.

The headaches are back. The pain is back. When will it ever go away?