Don't matter now

'It's okay to remove yourself from the world sometimes' was what I remembered George Ezra saying when he introduced his new song during his Top Secret Tour show in Bath (in pic).

It makes perfect sense.

I have been on summer holiday for slightly over a month now but it has only struck me that I'm already half-way through my degree. That realization hit me when I have finally settled down in my cosy little flat in Bristol and completed a temporary staff application for my placement in UWE as a research assistant. I just went, 'One more year after this and I'm graduating.' That thought led me to all my seniors who have recently received their final results and will be making their way to Bath Abbey to officially be a graduate. These people that I've hung out with on a regular basis are now leaving and that thought saddens me. Interestingly, it got me anxious as well, not for them, but for myself. In two years, I have to decide whether I want to officially enter the 'real world' or stay in academia. It is definitely a decision I will find the hardest to make. I found myself getting stressed out about this and then I had to catch myself. I know that two years is not a long time but then again, it is.

A lot has happened in the last year, who knows what can happen in the next two? Things might change, I may not want to be a sports psychologist anymore *18 year old me gasps*. Funny to think how determined I was to want to be a sports psychologist 3 years ago and knowing now that I don't really know. I guess, that's what university is supposed to do to you: slowly question your life's choices, out of curiosity of course (in the best of times). Now, tell me how could I avoid the anxiety bubbling underneath my mask of calamity?

The short answer: "It don't matter now". Geoff was right, sometimes I need to unplug the phone and lock myself up in the room and just relax. It is the summer holidays, and as university students, we can afford to not do anything productive to make up for the weekends spent finishing an assignment or catching up with lectures. Yes, internships in the summer are 'great work experience' but spending time with family and doing some self-growth are equally important.

While walking around Oxford today, I realized how I was so used to walking fast for commuting sake that I was uncomfortable at walking at a tourist pace. But the slower pace meant that I could really soak in the sun (yes, it was one of those rare sunny days today) and enjoy being in a wonderful city. I guess that's what I need now, some decrease in velocity in my life. Time itself is never going to slow down but if we pace ourselves, we can make that time more valuable. Like recovering from a heartbreak, you could either spend days on the couch eating ice cream or you could channel that energy into creating something substantial.

It would be nice to end this entry with a witty, insightful quote but I'd just urge you to listen to George's "Don't Matter Now" because it is good. 

LM x

My journey with Son-Rise

'Do you know what Son-Rise is about?'

'No, but I know I want to be part of it.'

 So today was my last session with Colm before I start revising for exams and then start my placement. It was a great session and one of my favourites cause I get to just chat with him. We talked about playing pranks on my siblings, (air)guns and fireworks. Reminded me so much of our first session together in October. So much has changed.

Before I go on, I do think some clarification would help you, the readers, understand the context. Son-Rise is a programme designed for parents with autistic children to do home-run sessions. It preaches love, full acceptance and all-round happiness. Colm is one of the children under the programme and I volunteer twice a week for a 2-hour session to be in the playroom with him. While it is child-centred, it is my role to encourage him to engage in more social actions that will help him socialise with his peers. Personally, I'd like to see it as 'invite, join & celebrate with energy, enthusiasm and excitement'. I also get weekly feedback sessions to help guide me in my following sessions. If you'd like to know more, I'd urge you to visit www.autismtreatmentcentre.org for more info, or talk to me so I can direct you to the right information/books/videos.

Alright, I hope by now you would get a rough idea of how I've been spending my Wednesdays and Thursdays mornings.

The past 6 months have been rough: emotionally, physically and academically. Son-Rise taught me how to get through it by just being comfortable with myself. I know, it sounds very 'what? makes no sense'-ish but it worked. I learned that by accepting my limitations and understanding that sometimes, I just need to take a deep breath has got me through toughest of times. For example, running the Malaysian Students' society can drain the energy out of you and mistakes happen. Old Liza would beat herself up about it saying how I wasn't good enough and that I've failed. The feeling of remorse, guilt and feeding off my members' frustrations and disappointments can get in my head. However, learning to be comfortable meant that I could see my failure as just that: an event that was out of my control and that I'm still okay (and amazing). It is a tough muscle to work on (harder than abs!) as it is so easy to just criticize yourself and pull yourself down, better you than other people right? Wrong.
Thing is, being in the playroom with Colm, I know that I am the only person who has the control of how I feel. Why should Colm's (non)reaction to my stories reflect how I feel about myself? Thing is, it shouldn't. Whatever Colm does has nothing to do with how he thinks of me and importantly, how I think of me. I think that is one of the biggest lesson I've learned.. and still continue to internalise.
As long as I'm happy with myself, life just seems brigher, despite the thunderstorms. Rainy days can be just as beautiful.

Other than loving myself, I also realised that I can decide to love someone unconditionally, imperfections and all. While I might not know Colm as well as his family, it still warms my heart whenever he chooses to tell me something about one of his guns and hilarious stories. I was not short of intense moments as well but those moments gave me a chance to work on the 'comfortable with myself' muscle. I've also learned so much from him as Colm is very knowledgable from fly fishing to DIY fireworks, every day I learn something new. Sessions with him are never boring.

There is just so much love in this programme. Madeleine, Emily and Ross are always just oozing with love and it is hard to refuse that intense volume of oxytoxin. They were never short of celebrations for everything, even for the little things. It makes you feel really good and you just want to celebrate each other. I still struggle with expressing my emotions clearly as you know, asian upbringing = emotion suppression (it's true) but rest assured, I'm inner-celebrating you, my family and friends!!

I would like to invite everyone here to learn more about Son-Rise and get in touch with families running them!

It was such a rewarding experience and I know this is not the final goodbye to Son-Rise or Team Colm.

Here are some links/books that you can check out if you are interested:

Colm's Awesome Adventure with Autism (FB page link)
Son-Rise Books:
Autism Breakthrough (good for parents with austistic kids)
Happiness is a choice (personal favourite, highly recommend)

March Madness

March 2017 was the wildest month of my life. So far. Here is what I did:

 

 Okay, well I didn't really do any park runs but I was doing a few long distance runs to prepare for the Bath Half on the 12th of March. Craziest few days when I stupidly did two 16km runs in the span of 3 days, alongside dance practices for BAMSA Night and a bit of fencing. NBD except for the sore legs and taking the longest time to climb down the stairs. Damn it leg muscles, you weak.

Then the big moment came. 12th March. Ran 13.1 miles. I enjoyed the run so much and it was more to do with the atmosphere than anything. Jelly babies and oatcakes were given out by residents along the way which was most likely the only reason why I didn't stop running. So cheers, Bath residents. The signs you guys made were amazing as well: "Pain now, wine later." & a few Trump-related ones made running less miserable.

Finished it under my goal time which was a great achievement. Wished I could show you my grateful, close-to-tears face at the finish line but unfortunately, you need to pay to download them and from my previous post, you'd know that I can't afford such luxuries.

Special shout out to the housemates, Sean and Pings for doing this as well. We were all crazy, but eh, I like how far we pushed ourselves (& each other). Full marathon, sometime? Maybe?? (heh, kidding. You guys can go ahead. I'll stick to 21km)

A week later, this happened. A sold out, three hour long show. Three dances and a few cameo here and there. Pics of those are NSFW but I can tell you, that it would remain among my Facebook friends and that I might have to avoid adding and lecturers/future employers/potential husbands on Facebook. Oh, the after party was great too, despite getting Coke thrown at me at McD's while I was innocently eating my cheesy chips from Ye Olde Al Falafel.

In between those, I was furiously typing away 4 essays that were filled with mediocre knowledge masked with long, sophisticated sounding words. Remember my struggles with academic writing? Yes, still struggling but thanks to a good friend (Jade, hope you are reading this x), I leveled up but only so slightly.

While writing this, I finally realised the true extent of the madness that the 31 days had put me through. It was all a blurry rush and it is finally hitting me. Coming out of this made me realise that maybe, I do have the strength to power through anything. That, or I'm used to the whole concept of casual mental breakdowns that it doesn't have a lasting emotional impact on me anymore. Either way, March showed me a newfound ability to charge through anything. Well, at least until my department/life/h8ers decide to challenge this freshly garnered strength with another crazy month, or months? Only God knows, I'm pretty sure He does. Right?

Anyways, two more months before I end my second year in university (don't panic). Still clueless with the whole university self-learning concept, but I'm getting the hang of it. Alright, now onto the preparation for 4 essay exams. Anyone has any good tips to prepare for that? I don't care for no "early planning/essay practice/read loads" advice. I meant like GOOD TIPS, i.e. how to write under pressure, how far can you bullshit your way in an essay while showing the marker that you kind of know the stuff, how to not panic etc. Please pm me or comment or tell me in person. I'll promise to bake you some good cakes to show my gratitude (once I pass my exams).

So update done here. Just needed to write this down to allow myself the opportunity to look back to this month if when my life gets on this level of craziness. #forwardthinking

Liza x

21 and (learning to be) responsible

2017 has been.. eventful.

Turning 21 sort of catapulted myself into a series of self-reflections and re-prioritisation. I spent a lot of time thinking about the goals that I want to set for myself. Other than completing the Bath Half in 2hours and 30minutes, I wanted something else that I could constantly hold myself accountable.

I realised that I was being too hard on myself. Granted, there were days when I allowed the occasional ice cream treat and skipping that scheduled run but afterwards, I gave myself a hard time for having a relaxed time. It is toxic and on most occasion counter-productive as I'll then stress too much about having a hard time and end up not doing anything. The cycle continues.

I have been trying to not be so hard on myself and my failure to do certain things. Thanks to Son-Rise, I have the most supportive group in this area. So incredibly grateful for them. Like the BathHalf, it is a challenge that I'm taking it day by day.

Other than this personal struggle, I am strapped for cash. Too strapped. I had to temporarily stop my part-time work to focus on my degree because I know, from experience that juggling too much will be the death of me. This time, I was scared I might've pushed myself over the edge if I continued to deny the fact that I can't do everything at once.
With a tight budget comes the trouble that is cancelling already made plans and disappointing people. It is hard and heartbreaking to be the one to cancel a weekend of fun but it wasn't worth me sacrificing one month's grocery money on. Truly living the ultimate student budget life and this time I'm not just saying it. If only I could juggle work and study during a hectic deadline schedule, I would. Unfortunately, I wasn't born with expert time managing skills so tough calls had to be made.

Don't feel sorry for me though. It is not my intention to elicit empathy from you, the reader. It is instead a self-reminder that this is a tough lesson that I have to embrace and learn from it.

Speaking of study, another realisation that dawned upon me is that I absolutely suck at academic writing. I thought I was getting better after the feedback in first year but I just come to realise that I just simply can't 'critically discuss' anything. It scares me because that is the whole core of my degree, is to be able to 'critically discuss' and have a coherent argument. Trust me, it is not like I have given up trying, I TRY to sound succinct and critical in my writing but in the feedback I always seem to 'lack coherent arguments'. UGH. As much as I love blogging and reading, academic writing is just not for me.

Having said that, I will have to power through my degree and the rest of my academic life if I ever were to be able to open my own practice. I can't go on getting 2:2s for my reports now can I? That's a C in school-terms and the Asian in me, as much as I hate the stereotype, just cannot have it.

Well, finally got that off my chest. I can finally focus on my 4 essays now. *JOY*

So goals for the year:
1. Not set hair on fire
2. Get financially stable (student standards)
3. Self-discipline
4. Be OK
5. Book sessions with the writing centre and be decent in academic writing.

Wish me luck.

The door that opened.

This gif is the perfect representation of me the past week:

First of all, I'd like to say massive thanks to all of you for the support, advice, hugs and love the past few weeks. I wasn't expecting all of this and I am so grateful for everyone. Also, thank you to those who've shared their stories of rejection with me, I am so honoured that you've shared this struggle with me, as I know it is not easy to admit it. We are all in this together guys!<3 p="">
<3 p="">
 Anyways, I guess I should inform everyone that after that brutal rejection, I have been offered another placement in Bristol! Yes guys, I did it. I powered through that hard time and re-applied. Not to dismiss the previous one, but this one in Bristol is so much more in line with what I want to really get into.

It took me a few days for it to really sink in (hence, gif), it is like that for most things after a storm right?
I guess that from this experience, it goes to show that there is no point beating yourself up too hard over a rejection and sometimes you just have to suck it up, get over it and move on. It is very harsh and it will get harsher, it is just getting familiar with the headstrong mindset and powering through any crisis.

I don't think I'll ever thank everyone enough for giving me a reality check and support for moving forwards. Special thanks to Heidi for listening to me sob over the phone/skype and my supermum for just being blunt but loving at the same time.

To the other guys who are still looking for placements, don't forget you are awesome regardless and don't ever think otherwise.

Bristol, see you next year. Let the house hunting begin.

Broke down, heartbroken but determined.

I knew I was having too much of a great time. I was blinded by the good things that were happening and forgot to anticipate the storm, tornado and whirlpool of crap that is coming my way.

November is nothing short of a montage of mental breakdowns, rejections and disappointments. With one day left in this horrendous month, I needed to get this off my chest.

If you're a Psych undergraduate in Bath, you'd know what I'm talking about: FOUR deadlines (2 reports and 2 essays) due in a span of 10 days was the haunted house that all of us were forced to enter (imagine Andy from Ellen) and boy, it was rough. Maybe the department really couldn't help it but it was just a very shitty time. Then, to add to the horror, we had to start applying for placements, which are basically job applications (cover letters, written exercises, application forms).
I can't really describe the level of stress without using a profanity, so I hope you'd get the picture.

Even after all the deadline horror and application process, it was impossible for me to stay completely relaxed. Unfortunately, my 'dream' placement, so to say, was crushed just early today and I cried, alone, while brewing a fresh pot of coffee. I couldn't function for a whole 10 minutes. I microwaved my lunch but couldn't pick up my spoon, I wanted to talk to someone but couldn't bring myself up to call anyone. I hit a new low, which surprised me after all the mental breakdowns I had the past few weeks.
In short, I'm not used to rejection. There, I said it.

I've been trained to always get it right on the first try. I've been moulded into thinking that if I work hard enough, I'll get what I want. In a way, I put in 110% believing that I'll acheive my goals. When that doesn't happen, I fall very hard. I'd beat myself up so hard and start swallowing myself in disappointment and destructive criticism, which is counter-productive and I waste my whole day. To justify this, I'd let myself know that it is okay to allow yourself to be sad because it is only human. This then becomes counter-intuitive as I'll cease to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Recently, I've been trying not to beat myself up and continue believing that I will achieve my goals and that I just have to keep on working hard. Easier said than done really. It takes so much mental strength to see that and it is a muscle I am committed to working out (other than my abs, quads, biceps, triceps etc.)

I'm writing this not only to set my mind straight but to hopefully resonate with some of you. Life post-high school is no walk in the park but then again, the only way you can truly know your strength and appreciate your worth is going through the toughest of challenges.

This is one of my toughest and I know that I will get out of this stronger. I just need to stop crying and get back to work. Possibly have a glass of wine tonight.

Appreciate all the support and love. Don't forget to love yourself first!

Karma, among other things.

*Cue Alicia Keys' "Karma"* 

I cannot believe it has been a month since my last post! Time has gone by so fast that I simply lost track of it.

Just a quick summary of what I've been up to since my last post:

• Flew back to the UK
• Moved into a new house
• Started 2nd Year Uni
• Signed up for Bath Half!

It was a whirlwind of events and comes with it, the inevitable roller coaster of emotions. Not going to lie, there have been pretty bad days where all I wanted to do was give up and go back to my old habits. Then, I'd go on to Facebook, read my messages and think about the support that I have and I'm motivated again (after a few hours of sulking and mini 'treats' for myself).

I am so incredibly blessed and humbled by the actuality of the huge support system that I have. I was literally in disbelief and rendered speechless when within a few hours of putting up my fundraising page for the Bath Half, I managed to surpass my target! Like WHAT?! What's more, I'm still receiving donations days after that! I just don't know what to say but THANK YOU to all who donated, anon or not, you guys are amazing human beings that deserves all the goodness in the world!

£73 above target! This money will be able to help so many people! Much love xx

This journey has shown me the effects of spreading positivity to everyone and it has been amazing. I've been able to talk to people that I'd never will about my journey and getting to hear how my story has inspired them is just the icing on a perfectly moist cake (yum).

Despite all the good that has happened, there were a few downs to it (life can't be all sweets and roses now, can it?). Recently, I've posted an instagram of me in a crop top with my not-so-fit tummy. It took quite awhile to convince myself to just do it and sod whatever negativity that comes with it.

This was the said photo. I honestly think I look fab, despite the unfit belly..that's what should matter right?

Thankfully, I was on a train ride back from Birmingham (shoutout to the bestie, Heids for the amazing top) and reception was bad so I only managed to read the comments after I reached Bath a few hours later.
The majority of the comments that I got were positive ones (thanks to all the fierce women on my insta feed) but there was only ONE negative comment that bugged me. It's always that bad one that affects us the most, no? While I've tried my best to ignore it, it just lingers in my subconscious and bites me in the butt when I least expected it. If it were a stranger making those comments, I could easily brush it off. But this came from someone whom I trusted to be supportive; it is just a bit hard to get over it.

This is just what's been going on (in my mind, mostly).

I do appreciate and love all the support and encouragement from everybody else and I CANNOT thank you all enough for it!

Keep spreading the good vibes guys, you'd never know who else you'd be helping!