I'm not okay.. and that is okay.

 

A lot has happened since I last wrote. They happened quite unexpectedly and continuously. 

To start off, I finally admitted, to myself and everyone else that cared that I don't have the mental or physical strength to do both a full-time (non-paid) placement and a part-time (paid) waitress job. In short, I quit. It was relieving to finally not have to constantly dread going to something (the part-time job), never realised how much it was weighing my spirits down. I am so blessed to have very understanding parents that want me to put my studies first. I can now focus on my placement and hopefully do amazing research work. 

As far that good decisions go, that was it. Unfortunately, I have voluntarily placed myself in a vulnerable and emotional situation. Being in my 20s, it is only natural that I wanted to see how its like when I put myself out there. I've been fortunate enough to have made good friendships but then I get too attached. I've given myself the ideal that if I want it bad enough, it'll happen. I've learnt the hard way that what you think is not what reality is. I was foolishly wearing rose-tinted glasses in this situation and as expected, I had expectations. As much as I try to not expect too much (I can be a realist), when the truth is not what you want to hear, it sucks. It really does. 

I tried to hide behind the mask of a 'strong, independent woman'. That only got me even more upset because I felt like I am not allowed to feel upset and that I should have a 'fuck all' attitude and take pride in my stride and move on. But I couldn't. I was going crazy feeling like there is no where out this abyss of self-doubt: "Was I really not good enough??"

Thankfully (really thankfully), I just have the best people in my life who were okay with me not being okay for awhile. Then, I just decided to be not okay. Man, it hurts but it was good because then I needed to stop this. Otherwise, pretending that I'm okay will just keep me in denial.

I wish I can say that I'm better now but I'm not.

I know I'll get better. Just not today. 

Sorry, no motivational/empowering/inspirational thoughts this time. I struggle to feel them at the moment. 

Thanks for reading this as I try to understand life. Sending much love to you all.

Oh and mum, if you're reading this, don't worry please, I'll get through this.

Till the next emotionally damaging series of events (lol jk),
Liza x

Big city, small (town) girl

 

 It's September. I'm in my third year of university, also, my placement year. Almost a year ago, I was excited about the 'door that opened'. Little did I know that beyond that door was a journey of self-discovering I didn't sign up for ...

So I've moved into Bristol, the best city to live in the UK according to the Sunday Times (read here). Naturally, I was excited. I'm already an undergraduate in the UK's best psychology department and now I'm doing my placement in the best city in the UK. Icing on the cake! However, turns out that buttercream icing was a little overwhelming. 

To cut to the chase, I know am out of my comfort zone. This may be the 3rd place I've moved to since I came to the UK but it is the first proper city. Cambridge and Bath felt just like home as it was compact with everything in one place (or within walkable distance). Some of you might think growing up in Kota Kinabalu that I'd be used to the hustle and bustle of Bristol but I didn't live in the middle of the KK. I grew up in the suburbs and spent most weekends at my grandparents' place, far away from urbanization. Bristol is different. I'm staying right in the heart of city center and everything just feels big. Just outside my window, construction is going on from the early hours of the morning till late night, being surrounded by pubs and restaurants, there is always life. 

It is the proper culture shock, just 3.5years late. For the first time since 2014, I feel uncomfortable. Being in this lively city, is something I am not used to. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate it. I just feel very lost. In Malay, they say: macam rusa masuk kampung, meaning feeling in awe of the surrounding; it is the exact description of my current state. 

Somewhat foolishly, I decided that I myself could manage being a full-time research assistant, a part time waitress and still trying to settle in this wonderful city. It is no wonder I am so overwhelmed. Sometimes I ask myself: Am I doing too much? Can I handle it? 

Part of me wants to scrape that part-time job and focus on placement but part of me wants to see how far I can take this. How much of myself am I willing to sacrifice? I know that, in time, only I myself can give the satisfactory answer. 

Placement itself is going great. I'm part of a research project that is not only interesting but I get to be very involved in it. Sure, the commute is an average 45mins journey but a good tip I've learned: podcasts. They are so informative and interesting, like a mini audio book (without paying the price of one). I wonder why I've waited so long to listen to them. My current favourite: Myths & Legends (Spotify link). It is better if you have data to spare or have a premium account. 

It is just the whole idea of being in a city that, relative to where I'm staying, doesn't sleep. I guess I'm just used the laid back, quiet atmosphere, cause I'm an old lady trapped in a 21 year old body. Being in the middle of the noise, made me feel small and vulnerable compared to when I was in Bath or Cambridge. In these two towns, despite it being foreign, it felt familiar. Bristol is just unfamiliar...and big.

Hopefully when chapter 2 comes along, I'd have found my way of being a "city girl" (smirks in background) or at least, have stopped feeling like a deer and more like a cat, cause they seem to always be comfortable in any corner.  

Note: The friends I have here have been amazingly accommodating in welcoming me to Bristol. I'm truly grateful for that. If you're reading this guys, thank you for helping me not feel too lost here. 

Till next time,

Liza x

Don't matter now

'It's okay to remove yourself from the world sometimes' was what I remembered George Ezra saying when he introduced his new song during his Top Secret Tour show in Bath (in pic).

It makes perfect sense.

I have been on summer holiday for slightly over a month now but it has only struck me that I'm already half-way through my degree. That realization hit me when I have finally settled down in my cosy little flat in Bristol and completed a temporary staff application for my placement in UWE as a research assistant. I just went, 'One more year after this and I'm graduating.' That thought led me to all my seniors who have recently received their final results and will be making their way to Bath Abbey to officially be a graduate. These people that I've hung out with on a regular basis are now leaving and that thought saddens me. Interestingly, it got me anxious as well, not for them, but for myself. In two years, I have to decide whether I want to officially enter the 'real world' or stay in academia. It is definitely a decision I will find the hardest to make. I found myself getting stressed out about this and then I had to catch myself. I know that two years is not a long time but then again, it is.

A lot has happened in the last year, who knows what can happen in the next two? Things might change, I may not want to be a sports psychologist anymore *18 year old me gasps*. Funny to think how determined I was to want to be a sports psychologist 3 years ago and knowing now that I don't really know. I guess, that's what university is supposed to do to you: slowly question your life's choices, out of curiosity of course (in the best of times). Now, tell me how could I avoid the anxiety bubbling underneath my mask of calamity?

The short answer: "It don't matter now". Geoff was right, sometimes I need to unplug the phone and lock myself up in the room and just relax. It is the summer holidays, and as university students, we can afford to not do anything productive to make up for the weekends spent finishing an assignment or catching up with lectures. Yes, internships in the summer are 'great work experience' but spending time with family and doing some self-growth are equally important.

While walking around Oxford today, I realized how I was so used to walking fast for commuting sake that I was uncomfortable at walking at a tourist pace. But the slower pace meant that I could really soak in the sun (yes, it was one of those rare sunny days today) and enjoy being in a wonderful city. I guess that's what I need now, some decrease in velocity in my life. Time itself is never going to slow down but if we pace ourselves, we can make that time more valuable. Like recovering from a heartbreak, you could either spend days on the couch eating ice cream or you could channel that energy into creating something substantial.

It would be nice to end this entry with a witty, insightful quote but I'd just urge you to listen to George's "Don't Matter Now" because it is good. 

LM x

My journey with Son-Rise

'Do you know what Son-Rise is about?'

'No, but I know I want to be part of it.'

 So today was my last session with Colm before I start revising for exams and then start my placement. It was a great session and one of my favourites cause I get to just chat with him. We talked about playing pranks on my siblings, (air)guns and fireworks. Reminded me so much of our first session together in October. So much has changed.

Before I go on, I do think some clarification would help you, the readers, understand the context. Son-Rise is a programme designed for parents with autistic children to do home-run sessions. It preaches love, full acceptance and all-round happiness. Colm is one of the children under the programme and I volunteer twice a week for a 2-hour session to be in the playroom with him. While it is child-centred, it is my role to encourage him to engage in more social actions that will help him socialise with his peers. Personally, I'd like to see it as 'invite, join & celebrate with energy, enthusiasm and excitement'. I also get weekly feedback sessions to help guide me in my following sessions. If you'd like to know more, I'd urge you to visit www.autismtreatmentcentre.org for more info, or talk to me so I can direct you to the right information/books/videos.

Alright, I hope by now you would get a rough idea of how I've been spending my Wednesdays and Thursdays mornings.

The past 6 months have been rough: emotionally, physically and academically. Son-Rise taught me how to get through it by just being comfortable with myself. I know, it sounds very 'what? makes no sense'-ish but it worked. I learned that by accepting my limitations and understanding that sometimes, I just need to take a deep breath has got me through toughest of times. For example, running the Malaysian Students' society can drain the energy out of you and mistakes happen. Old Liza would beat herself up about it saying how I wasn't good enough and that I've failed. The feeling of remorse, guilt and feeding off my members' frustrations and disappointments can get in my head. However, learning to be comfortable meant that I could see my failure as just that: an event that was out of my control and that I'm still okay (and amazing). It is a tough muscle to work on (harder than abs!) as it is so easy to just criticize yourself and pull yourself down, better you than other people right? Wrong.
Thing is, being in the playroom with Colm, I know that I am the only person who has the control of how I feel. Why should Colm's (non)reaction to my stories reflect how I feel about myself? Thing is, it shouldn't. Whatever Colm does has nothing to do with how he thinks of me and importantly, how I think of me. I think that is one of the biggest lesson I've learned.. and still continue to internalise.
As long as I'm happy with myself, life just seems brigher, despite the thunderstorms. Rainy days can be just as beautiful.

Other than loving myself, I also realised that I can decide to love someone unconditionally, imperfections and all. While I might not know Colm as well as his family, it still warms my heart whenever he chooses to tell me something about one of his guns and hilarious stories. I was not short of intense moments as well but those moments gave me a chance to work on the 'comfortable with myself' muscle. I've also learned so much from him as Colm is very knowledgable from fly fishing to DIY fireworks, every day I learn something new. Sessions with him are never boring.

There is just so much love in this programme. Madeleine, Emily and Ross are always just oozing with love and it is hard to refuse that intense volume of oxytoxin. They were never short of celebrations for everything, even for the little things. It makes you feel really good and you just want to celebrate each other. I still struggle with expressing my emotions clearly as you know, asian upbringing = emotion suppression (it's true) but rest assured, I'm inner-celebrating you, my family and friends!!

I would like to invite everyone here to learn more about Son-Rise and get in touch with families running them!

It was such a rewarding experience and I know this is not the final goodbye to Son-Rise or Team Colm.

Here are some links/books that you can check out if you are interested:

Colm's Awesome Adventure with Autism (FB page link)
Son-Rise Books:
Autism Breakthrough (good for parents with austistic kids)
Happiness is a choice (personal favourite, highly recommend)

March Madness

March 2017 was the wildest month of my life. So far. Here is what I did:

 

 Okay, well I didn't really do any park runs but I was doing a few long distance runs to prepare for the Bath Half on the 12th of March. Craziest few days when I stupidly did two 16km runs in the span of 3 days, alongside dance practices for BAMSA Night and a bit of fencing. NBD except for the sore legs and taking the longest time to climb down the stairs. Damn it leg muscles, you weak.

Then the big moment came. 12th March. Ran 13.1 miles. I enjoyed the run so much and it was more to do with the atmosphere than anything. Jelly babies and oatcakes were given out by residents along the way which was most likely the only reason why I didn't stop running. So cheers, Bath residents. The signs you guys made were amazing as well: "Pain now, wine later." & a few Trump-related ones made running less miserable.

Finished it under my goal time which was a great achievement. Wished I could show you my grateful, close-to-tears face at the finish line but unfortunately, you need to pay to download them and from my previous post, you'd know that I can't afford such luxuries.

Special shout out to the housemates, Sean and Pings for doing this as well. We were all crazy, but eh, I like how far we pushed ourselves (& each other). Full marathon, sometime? Maybe?? (heh, kidding. You guys can go ahead. I'll stick to 21km)

A week later, this happened. A sold out, three hour long show. Three dances and a few cameo here and there. Pics of those are NSFW but I can tell you, that it would remain among my Facebook friends and that I might have to avoid adding and lecturers/future employers/potential husbands on Facebook. Oh, the after party was great too, despite getting Coke thrown at me at McD's while I was innocently eating my cheesy chips from Ye Olde Al Falafel.

In between those, I was furiously typing away 4 essays that were filled with mediocre knowledge masked with long, sophisticated sounding words. Remember my struggles with academic writing? Yes, still struggling but thanks to a good friend (Jade, hope you are reading this x), I leveled up but only so slightly.

While writing this, I finally realised the true extent of the madness that the 31 days had put me through. It was all a blurry rush and it is finally hitting me. Coming out of this made me realise that maybe, I do have the strength to power through anything. That, or I'm used to the whole concept of casual mental breakdowns that it doesn't have a lasting emotional impact on me anymore. Either way, March showed me a newfound ability to charge through anything. Well, at least until my department/life/h8ers decide to challenge this freshly garnered strength with another crazy month, or months? Only God knows, I'm pretty sure He does. Right?

Anyways, two more months before I end my second year in university (don't panic). Still clueless with the whole university self-learning concept, but I'm getting the hang of it. Alright, now onto the preparation for 4 essay exams. Anyone has any good tips to prepare for that? I don't care for no "early planning/essay practice/read loads" advice. I meant like GOOD TIPS, i.e. how to write under pressure, how far can you bullshit your way in an essay while showing the marker that you kind of know the stuff, how to not panic etc. Please pm me or comment or tell me in person. I'll promise to bake you some good cakes to show my gratitude (once I pass my exams).

So update done here. Just needed to write this down to allow myself the opportunity to look back to this month if when my life gets on this level of craziness. #forwardthinking

Liza x

21 and (learning to be) responsible

2017 has been.. eventful.

Turning 21 sort of catapulted myself into a series of self-reflections and re-prioritisation. I spent a lot of time thinking about the goals that I want to set for myself. Other than completing the Bath Half in 2hours and 30minutes, I wanted something else that I could constantly hold myself accountable.

I realised that I was being too hard on myself. Granted, there were days when I allowed the occasional ice cream treat and skipping that scheduled run but afterwards, I gave myself a hard time for having a relaxed time. It is toxic and on most occasion counter-productive as I'll then stress too much about having a hard time and end up not doing anything. The cycle continues.

I have been trying to not be so hard on myself and my failure to do certain things. Thanks to Son-Rise, I have the most supportive group in this area. So incredibly grateful for them. Like the BathHalf, it is a challenge that I'm taking it day by day.

Other than this personal struggle, I am strapped for cash. Too strapped. I had to temporarily stop my part-time work to focus on my degree because I know, from experience that juggling too much will be the death of me. This time, I was scared I might've pushed myself over the edge if I continued to deny the fact that I can't do everything at once.
With a tight budget comes the trouble that is cancelling already made plans and disappointing people. It is hard and heartbreaking to be the one to cancel a weekend of fun but it wasn't worth me sacrificing one month's grocery money on. Truly living the ultimate student budget life and this time I'm not just saying it. If only I could juggle work and study during a hectic deadline schedule, I would. Unfortunately, I wasn't born with expert time managing skills so tough calls had to be made.

Don't feel sorry for me though. It is not my intention to elicit empathy from you, the reader. It is instead a self-reminder that this is a tough lesson that I have to embrace and learn from it.

Speaking of study, another realisation that dawned upon me is that I absolutely suck at academic writing. I thought I was getting better after the feedback in first year but I just come to realise that I just simply can't 'critically discuss' anything. It scares me because that is the whole core of my degree, is to be able to 'critically discuss' and have a coherent argument. Trust me, it is not like I have given up trying, I TRY to sound succinct and critical in my writing but in the feedback I always seem to 'lack coherent arguments'. UGH. As much as I love blogging and reading, academic writing is just not for me.

Having said that, I will have to power through my degree and the rest of my academic life if I ever were to be able to open my own practice. I can't go on getting 2:2s for my reports now can I? That's a C in school-terms and the Asian in me, as much as I hate the stereotype, just cannot have it.

Well, finally got that off my chest. I can finally focus on my 4 essays now. *JOY*

So goals for the year:
1. Not set hair on fire
2. Get financially stable (student standards)
3. Self-discipline
4. Be OK
5. Book sessions with the writing centre and be decent in academic writing.

Wish me luck.

The door that opened.

This gif is the perfect representation of me the past week:

First of all, I'd like to say massive thanks to all of you for the support, advice, hugs and love the past few weeks. I wasn't expecting all of this and I am so grateful for everyone. Also, thank you to those who've shared their stories of rejection with me, I am so honoured that you've shared this struggle with me, as I know it is not easy to admit it. We are all in this together guys!<3 p="">
<3 p="">
 Anyways, I guess I should inform everyone that after that brutal rejection, I have been offered another placement in Bristol! Yes guys, I did it. I powered through that hard time and re-applied. Not to dismiss the previous one, but this one in Bristol is so much more in line with what I want to really get into.

It took me a few days for it to really sink in (hence, gif), it is like that for most things after a storm right?
I guess that from this experience, it goes to show that there is no point beating yourself up too hard over a rejection and sometimes you just have to suck it up, get over it and move on. It is very harsh and it will get harsher, it is just getting familiar with the headstrong mindset and powering through any crisis.

I don't think I'll ever thank everyone enough for giving me a reality check and support for moving forwards. Special thanks to Heidi for listening to me sob over the phone/skype and my supermum for just being blunt but loving at the same time.

To the other guys who are still looking for placements, don't forget you are awesome regardless and don't ever think otherwise.

Bristol, see you next year. Let the house hunting begin.