A lot has happened since I last wrote. They happened quite unexpectedly and continuously.
To start off, I finally admitted, to myself and everyone else that cared that I don't have the mental or physical strength to do both a full-time (non-paid) placement and a part-time (paid) waitress job. In short, I quit. It was relieving to finally not have to constantly dread going to something (the part-time job), never realised how much it was weighing my spirits down. I am so blessed to have very understanding parents that want me to put my studies first. I can now focus on my placement and hopefully do amazing research work.
As far that good decisions go, that was it. Unfortunately, I have voluntarily placed myself in a vulnerable and emotional situation. Being in my 20s, it is only natural that I wanted to see how its like when I put myself out there. I've been fortunate enough to have made good friendships but then I get too attached. I've given myself the ideal that if I want it bad enough, it'll happen. I've learnt the hard way that what you think is not what reality is. I was foolishly wearing rose-tinted glasses in this situation and as expected, I had expectations. As much as I try to not expect too much (I can be a realist), when the truth is not what you want to hear, it sucks. It really does.
I tried to hide behind the mask of a 'strong, independent woman'. That only got me even more upset because I felt like I am not allowed to feel upset and that I should have a 'fuck all' attitude and take pride in my stride and move on. But I couldn't. I was going crazy feeling like there is no where out this abyss of self-doubt: "Was I really not good enough??"
Thankfully (really thankfully), I just have the best people in my life who were okay with me not being okay for awhile. Then, I just decided to be not okay. Man, it hurts but it was good because then I needed to stop this. Otherwise, pretending that I'm okay will just keep me in denial.
I wish I can say that I'm better now but I'm not.
I know I'll get better. Just not today.
Sorry, no motivational/empowering/inspirational thoughts this time. I struggle to feel them at the moment.
Thanks for reading this as I try to understand life. Sending much love to you all.
Oh and mum, if you're reading this, don't worry please, I'll get through this.
Liza x
This is just a phase in life and everyone goes through it realising or not realising it. But if we accept it and forgive ourselves for it and move on, it will make us stronger and somewhat wiser. Not everyday we get on a bed of roses. So you are not alone. Accepting this fact is already half the battle won. As they say, it is not the success that matters but it is the many falling downs and getting up that will bring you to the finishing line.
ReplyDeleteYou're only human, Liza! Baby steps are all you need. Hugs xx
ReplyDelete