To celebrate, to remember: my father

"Take care of the house, the dogs, the chickens, fertilise the plants and take care of mum," was one of the last things my father told me. I struggle to remember the exact last words he told me before he was sedated - to help him recover faster. However, the last memory of me reading Jeffrey Archer to him would be something I will forever cherish. 

The past week, my family and I were overwhelmed with the love and support from friends and family near and far. For me, hearing about his life as a lawyer, politician and friend was comforting and refreshing, as his daughter, intentionally or not, I was not able to experience him as someone other than my father. 

This piece is dedicated to remembering him as a father, hoping that it can bring comfort to you as your tributes/eulogy have comforted me. 

For those who were there for my dad's 60th birthday party, you might remember me saying that my dad and I never had a daddy's princess sort of relationship. My father showed affection slightly differently, mainly through his stern lectures. It was hard, trying to live up to his expectations as his firstborn, especially through my teenage years. I felt like I was constantly being pushed into a corner - to be a lawyer, to join politics, to follow in his footsteps. However, this pressure was all in my head, an expectation I have set for myself. 

In truth, my father has always supported me, despite how crazy my dreams and ambitions were. When I first told him I wanted to study English Literature and be a journalist, he bought me books on literature and writing. When I wanted to take 4 weeks off of Malaysian school to attend summer school in Oxford - he let me, with little resistance. When fencing started becoming competitive for me, he made sure I had the necessary equipments, checked in after every competition, had thanksgiving dinners after each victory. When I got into University of Bath for psychology, he was there for my first day - to make sure I was all settled down. When I graduated, he took 3 days off from his role as a cabinet minister to attend my graduation. When I landed my first job as a consultant in the inclusion and diversity field and in women empowerment, he tried to help in any way he can (even pushed for the sexual harassment act, which has been in the works since the 90s). 

In hindsight, his tough love, was the warmest love a father could give.

My father and I after I came back with my gold medal in fencing. 'Next stop, Olympics' he said. [2012]

At his favourite restaurant, Ang's Hotel [2016]

At my mother's 55th birthday surprised birthday party, all planned by my father. [2018] 

My dad is one full of (recycled and reused) jokes and silly antics. He hardly ever brought home his work, it seems like the moment he steps into his home and changes into his house clothes (usually a loose t-shirt and his sarong), he becomes a stay-at-home dad who loves his garden, his chickens and dogs. My home has never looked the same each time I come back, there is always something he is changing, adding and upgrading. He wanted to create a space where he can be at home and still be able to host people from all walks of life - I think he managed to do that, with great success. 

With the Children's Liturgy Caroling team [2018]

My dad always, always puts family first. His tough love extends to my cousins, their children and beyond. He took pride in how diverse our family is and how we all, in general, get along. This pride extended to the whole state of Sabah, and I know he fought hard to ensure not only this harmonious living continues here but that it can influence the rest of the nation to follow suit. Lest forget his efforts in the MA63 fight. He really fought tooth and nail to ensure Sabah and Sarawak gets their status as partners restored. 

Funny enough, this was when I started to really have proper conversations with my father surrounding politics. When the votes did not go through in parliament, he took leave mid-year to fly over to London to get his mind off things. I took a bus from Bath to see him. Over dinner with just the two of us (no entourage, no meetings to go to - very rare), we discussed why few MPs abstained, how important the vote was...and if he will ever retire from politics. He told me that he'd love to one day but his then boss, a 93-year old, has set the retirement age too high. From that night onwards, whenever I needed a sounding board to understand the mess that is Malaysian politics, I go to him. Eventually, I decided to record our conversations and turn it into a podcast: Conversations with my Father. Now, it has become my go-to playlist whenever I need to hear his voice. 

My father loved being behind the camera. Our house is just filled with photographs. [2014]

My father also loves the Word and the Lord. He hangs bible verses all around the house and constantly quotes bible verses to us when we were in difficult situations. Every celebration and even tribulations, he trusted in God and made sure we all prayed and celebrated in His name. This meant a lot of thanksgiving mass at home and yes, more gatherings and parties. His faith in Christ has also made his passing slightly more comforting to me as I know he is no longer in pain and back in the arms of the Lord.

At my parents' 24th wedding anniversary thanksgiving mass. I'll miss holding your hands pa. [2019]

Having said that, part of me still struggles to accept that he is really gone. Part of me still expects to hear the door open and see him come through the door, back from his travels to KL, Sandakan or a meeting. Part of me still wants to see him sitting in his favourite spot near the fishes, drinking his favourite durian coffee. I have learned so much from him, yet I still need his guidance in so much more. Definitely needed his opinion on the current political situation in Sabah and Malaysia but alas, I would have to wait till I meet him again in the new life. 

I know there is still so much to my father that I have yet to talk about - his love for photography, for adventures, for whiskey and cigars. However, I'm pretty sure you all reading already are aware of this and plenty has already shared what kind of person he meant to you. I thought I'd share how he was as my father - just so we can all continue to celebrate his life with this knowledge. Not sure how long it will take me to stop tearing up whenever I think of him, but I know with the love and support from all of you, family and friends - this incredibly difficult time has been so much more easier to go through. 

Our final family portrait [2020]

"Enough lah, enough, Ying. Be strong. I need you to be strong, I am okay" was what he whispered to me, 2 days after his passing. It was then, I realised that I am the one to continue his legacy and I know he wants me to be ready, when the time comes. Here's to hoping, he continues to whisper to me when I need him the most. Pa, I'll continue to make you proud. 

<3

A distraction: a short story

Let this be a distraction to all the news, to all the 'self-improvement' achievements on social media, to all the covidiocy.

Here's a story for you:

A girl sits on the edge of her seat as the bus drew closer to her stop. She reached out, pressed the bell and the bus came to an immediate halt right next to the bus stop, throwing her off her seat. It was a late weekday evening in a small town, she was the only one in the bus.

'Sorry,' she mumbled to the bus driver as she got off. 'Thanks,' she tried to say as the bus driver closed the doors behind her and sped away. Possibly it's the end of his shift, she thought. Perhaps he is rushing home to have dinner with his family. How nice. 

A cold breeze snapped her back into reality before she falls into a pity party in her brain. She remembered why she was out. The warm lights from the restaurant was the only source of light and life in an otherwise dead part of a sleepy town. She walked towards it, took a deep breath and pushed through the doors of this 6-table bistro.

There he is, just as he said he would be. A weight came off her shoulder that she was not aware she was carrying, but for the longest time, she felt relieved. The restaurant had a few patrons but he managed to get the table by the fireside. Just like when we first met.

He looked up as she entered the room, stood up from his seat, opened his arms and gave her the biggest smile. I've missed that smile. Suddenly, she felt a tinge of sadness but she stopped herself before she could feel any further.

'It's been awhile,' he said as he bear-hugged her. 'Yes.. it has,' she said between breaths as she recovers from the physical contact that knocked the winds out of her.

'So, any drinks? Starters?' he asked as he skims the single-sheet two paged menu.

'Actually, Mark, can we just have water for now?' she quickly interject as the waiter/owner/manager approaches the table. 'Just some tap water for now please,' she turned to the multi-role person with a pen and a pad before Mark could interject.

'Everything okay? You never say no to drinks and starters when we're here,' he asked as a concerned look grows on his face.

'Look Mark, I think, we need to stop whatever we are doing. We've been doing this for months and...' I just can't anymore. 

'But I love you Kira. I thought you love me too,' he said as he tried to hold her clenched fists on the table.

'No, you don't. You love the idea of having someone to care for, you love the idea of being attached to someone and you love the idea of having someone to call when you want to talk. But you, don't love me.' she said as calm as composed as she could. No, tearducts, don't ruin this for me.'

'How else am I supposed to love you then when the only way to express it is through our phone calls?' he said as he matched her calmness.
But in reality, Mark could hardly believe the conversation he was having. He thought tonight was going to be the beginning of something that could last. After all this while, the distance, the pain, the dilemmas, he finally decided to choose her. He reached into the pocket of his bomber jacket and squeezed the box.

'It's not what you did but how you did it, Mark,' shit, it's getting too cliche and cringy now. 'I am always the first to call, the first to plan things. The past few months, you've never once made plans to come visit me. You keep saying that I put way more effort into this than you, but you never stepped up. You knew the effort one puts in to make it work but you don't act on it. Tell me if that's love to you.' She looked at him straight in the eye, she wanted to pick up any signs of hesitation, admission and guilt. However, after all this while, to her, he was still like a brick wall, harder to read than her prison patients.

'You're right, that's not love to you. But that's love to me. I let you call because I know you plan your days to make time to talk to me, I let you plan our getaways because I know you'll include surprises for me and I just love seeing your face light up when I like it. I couldn't come visit you because I know your family will hunt me down when they know I was there with you.'

But now is different, Mark. My family, they are all in the past now.

'I know things are different now and I admit that I did not put in the effort. But I want to, I want to make the effort now.'

This caught her by surprise, she was looking at the face of a man who she once thought the world of, now begging for her to give him a chance. But I have to keep my cool, this must end today, or else I might just kill myself to get rid of the pain. 

'No, Mark. You can't put in the effort now, it really is too late. I'm sorry but I can't go on with this any longer.' She knew she has said enough and stood up to leave. The waiter-owner came over with the menu and she quickly interjected, 'I'm sorry but I don't think I'll be ordering.' As she left for the doors, part of her wished he shouted for her, hugged her and begged her to not leave, again.

But he never did. All the times she has had this conversation with him, he never did.

As she pushed through the doors, the resisted the urge to look back and walked confidently to the bus stop. A relief, I did it. I am free now.

The waiter-owner looked out of his small bistro's window and sighed. 'It's been a month now,' he said to himself. He picked up the one glass of water and wiped the table.

'Is she okay?' asked a patron who has been observing her since she walked in 15 minutes ago.

'Well, past few weeks she only stared into space for 5 minutes then leave sobbing. But today, she did not shed a single tear. I think she is okay now,' the owner replied, almost to himself as he wipes down the empty table by the fireside that has only served one for 30 days.

Maybe I won't have to come back tomorrow. 

She smiled to herself and waved down the bus.

-----

Well that was quite a fun story to write! Mark & 'the girl' is actually a very complicated love story that I have had in my head for quite a while. I wrote about how they met here and since then, their story has only existed in my brain and a few scribblings on napkins. Thought I'd share how they ended things (or did they? Is Mark still alive?)

Hope you all enjoyed reading this! It was a fun distraction for me whilst I prepare for the most intensive two weeks of my life (work-wise).

Hope you are all staying safe (BY STAYING HOME - looking at you, joggers). Let's just flatten the damn curve so I can go out and pretend to be an extrovert.

Till then,
Liza x

Lockdown breakdown: week one of solitude

How is everyone holding up? To all social butterflies, are you coping well?
To all home-bodies, hope you are enjoying paradise. 

This marks my 7th day of living *completely* alone. Today, I decided to stop using the word, 'isolation' as personally, it implies that I am all by myself, but I am not. Family and friends are well within reach (virutally) and I have God to talk to as well. What I am right now, is in solitude.

My last visit to Tg Aru back in Feb. An outdoor picture to counter my window view. 

Funny how a year and a half ago I was writing about being in complete isolation and struggling to find peace within myself and now, all I can feel is peace within myself. It's comforting to know that I have grown so much since my last low-mood episode in late 2018.
Now, that is not to say that all is rainbows and sunshine ever since. The fear of going back into that dark spiral is still real and there, but now I have a toolbox of things that can help me fight that fear head on. Okay, enough about my mental health growth.

The reason why I felt compelled to write today is because this Movement Control Order (or MoCO Loco) has brought up a lot of emotions and thoughts I'd like to articulate and put it out there.

In the initial stages of the breakout, I have to admit, I was not afraid of getting it, because I know that my immune system is strong and I have a higher chance of recovering from it. Now, that was a selfish thought. When my boss suggested we started working from home last week, I already started making plans to fly home on the Friday (2 days after the MoCO Loco came into effect). Another selfish thought. 

That same night of booking my flight, I couldn't sleep. The ethical dilemma was keeping me awake, do I travel and risk carrying the virus with me but I still get to be with family OR do I stay put for 14 days and be with myself? I tried to reason myself into accepting the first thought (be with family) because I was not sure how I would cope with 2-weeks alone by myself. I turned to my good friend Immanuel Kant and questioned what my moral duty is as a citizen and that gave me the answer.

The whole point of this MoCO Loco is to restrict movement just for 14 days to curb the spread and 'flatten the curve'. 

It is a short-term inconvenience for a long-term success in stopping the spread of this unfamiliar disease. The last thing we all want right now is losing a family member and not being able to be there with them. However, we humans always struggle to see the long-term and turn up that fight-or-flight programme to irrational panic.

It's human to want to be with our loved ones, it's human to want to catch that first bus/flight home, it's human to hoard food and supplies for our family. Unfortunately, it is these human behaviours that will make things worse. I was about to take part in these behaviours but empathy and moral rationality stopped me. I can still video call people and I have got my cousins to send me daily videos of their children (i.e. the apples of my eyes) to keep me company. I'd choose that over having one of them added to the infected statistic due to my thoughtless travelling. So here I am, on day 7 of 14 (longer?) by myself.

Video-call with the fam. How great
technology is! (Also, I had like half a
bottle of wine)

I know for some, especially those overseas, making this decision is so much harder. I have been talking to friends who have decided to stay put where they are and I know it is a heartbreaking to come to this but these are unprecedented times and they have accepted it. I also know of friends who have still decided to travel home, I know you have thought hard about this and sometimes, it is your family's decision. I fully respect that and appreciate that you all have been taking the necessary precautions.

These are uncertain times and we all must do what we can to stop this from hurting others. Like what most people have been preaching, this MoCO Loco is not about you, it's about the elderly, those with immunity-disorders, those who are fighting on the frontlines - doctors, nurses, police, the uncle/autny opening the grocery stores, those still operating tolls/gas stations, our food/grocery delivery heroes.



Fortunately, crisis mode also brings out the angels of our nature. Caremongering is slowly spreading and helping to reach out to those who really need help. This is when technology and social media helps mobilise social action: people offering help and people seeking help. Soup kitchens still being able to feed the homeless, single parents still able to get groceries delivered to them, elderly and sick still being able to get their medication - all because the community has come together to help one another (taking all necessary precations of course, don't @ me, you pedantic lunatics).

I wanted to end this post on a good note. While the news can be very depressing to read, remember that we can choose to step away from it when it gets too much. There is also a lot of good things to read out there (like this blog? haha) and there are good people fighting this fight. Pray for them, find out how you can support them and most importantly, do your moral duty and stay put.

I'm not going to say that you can use this time to do etc. etc. cause I'm pretty sure you all know about that. I just want us to exercise a little bit of empathy, being able to empathise with other countries who are suffering more than us will automatically guide us to do the right thing. If we can empathise with China and Italy, we will be moved to do what is best for Malaysia to not reach that stage. If we can exercise empathy with our frontline heroes, we will stay put.

Empathy is where we should direct our mental energy, not panic.

Keep safe and stay well. Better times will be ahead of us.

Malaysian Politics: A reflection

*Disclaimer: There will be no attempt to provide a political analysis (I'm not qualified), instead it will be a personal reflection of my experiences from the very edge of the sidelines*

That weekend of 'Langkah Sheraton' I was dancing my heart out to YMCA at my cousin's wedding in the middle of the rainforest in Sabah. Within 24 hours, I went from explaining to my family why I'm no longer with my partner when I caught the bouquet to providing an unqualified analysis of the current political situation.

Being someone who is directly affected by this situation, I wanted to be able to understand current circumstances. My first reaction was 'How inconvenient, now I will have to move.' I half-believed that the situation will blow over and things will eventually go back to normal, PH (and my dad) live to fight another day.

As the days passed and the plot twists never-ending, I became more confused and frustrated. I was trying to comprehend why this all happened in the first place: Where did all this betrayal start and why? Reading the media, I felt there was a lot of impatience, bruised egos and lack of trust. Let's be frank here, every one involved made their own move on this political multi-way chessboard, calling 'checkmate' at each other, and the only victims are the pawns - the rakyat.

The media played a big part in fuelling more confusion, uncertainty and division. In hindsight, in the first few days of the 'crisis', the news articles were misguiding and misinforming its readers, intentional or otherwise. It also did not help much that most Malaysians get excited at sharing any click-bait worthy articles, WhatsApp messages without questioning its sources. For those politically literate, it is easy to detect fake news, however the majority of us are still in the dark on the real situation and therefore, we gravitate towards information that speaks to our version of what we want the narrative to be instead of what it really is.

Opinion pieces are taken as the objective truth and not questioned, statements from leaders are taken out of context, and sadly, there are certain people who have taken this opportunity to create more political division.  Mentally, it was too much for me to digest. I wished there was a Malaysian version of The Last Leg to help articulate this saga into normal people language. I felt dejected, hopeless and sad. Democracy is dead. The Bersih fight that brought millions of Malaysians around the world to bring about social change was gone to waste. The politicians we elected to execute the People's Mandate are now climbing over each other to achieve a majority. It's every MP for his/her own.

I know many of us feel this way. 'The politicians will always have their way, we can never see change.' 'What's the point of voting anymore? They don't even care about us.' And they're right to an extent. But in the past 18-months, we have seen credible MPs and Ministers who are fighting the people's fight, it was a breath of fresh air. Plastic waste got sent back to where it came from, the Covid-19 outbreak was well handled, MACC finally was able to do its job properly. What this tells us is that, there is hope.

At 2019's Merdeka Parade @ Putrajaya. When Malaysia Baru was still hopeful. 

Truth is, there has always been hope for change. However, we have been too focused on what makes us different from each other to what similarities we share. Social psychologists have argued that when people come together under a shared identity, social change can be achieved (i.e. works around Social Identity Theory). We need to stop letting race and religion divide us. In school I was taught that the beauty of Malaysia is that everyone can live in harmony and work together in the #MalaysiaBoleh spirit. So, why do I struggle to see it now, especially among our leaders?

I hope the dust settles soon and the people of Malaysia find a way to make our voices heard, again.

Becoming a Bachelor

  A bachelor of science.

'I finished uni!' 

Title: The Ups and Downs of Final Year

I've made it, to the end of my degree. It has been a roller coaster ride filled with emotions, triumphs and downfalls. Most of you have been with me for parts of the ride, cheering me on and sharing your stories as well. For that, I am so blessed to be supported by each and every one of you.

I would also like to address a few typical post-grad questions here so (hopefully) I won't have to repeat myself so much when people ask me, I could just direct them to this post or maybe, you've read this and know better than to ask.

Q1: So what's your plan?

Okay, I know it is only natural to ask a soon-to-be graduate this but boy, it can get frustrating trying to answer this repeatedly. So here's a short answer: I don't know.
I have a few ideas but I'm still waiting to hear back from a few people so I don't want to confirm what my actual plans are.
In the long term, I would like to be a consulting psychologist. Psychology, mental health and performance (sport, music, business, military etc) is where I'd like to be involved in so anything I'll do in the future would include a few aspects of these 3 areas.

Another, perhaps slightly different area I'd like to be a part of is in saving the earth (or rather the human race) from climate change. Sometimes, I have this existential crisis where I'd ask myself "Nature is being destroyed by human activity and all I can think of is earning money?" and feel helpless in not knowing what I can do. Sure, I'm trying my best as an individual to be more green but I've realised that trying to convince people to change their deep-rooted habits (using plastic, eating meat) is an extremely challenging task and getting society to change (infrastructure, legislation etc) is a whole other mountain to climb. Again, I don't know. If anyone has any ideas or people I can talk to, let me know.

Q2: Are you planning to work in Malaysia or somewhere else?

Currently, I would like to return home and work for the time being. I miss my family so much and after spending majority of the past 5 years in the UK, I think it's time I head home. I want to spend time with my parents, my long-time friends and most importantly, spoil my cousin's children. I also miss good Malaysian food (duh).
I would not rule out moving abroad for work or even to do my masters but that's still up in the air. So for now, I'm heading home.

Q3: You couldn't get a job in the UK?

It's not that jobs are difficult to find, it's just so much more of a hassle. I wouldn't say that UK employers are making it hard for international students to find a job because of the Tier 2 visa (i.e. UK's working permit for non-EU/UK). In all honesty, I just didn't want to put in the effort because I knew it wasn't worth it for me. The jobs that are able to sponsor Tier 2 visas are not what I want to do and if it is something I'd love to do, chances are, they don't sponsor Tier 2 visa. I know I can dig deeper and something will pop out but I also want to go home. Yes, 'earning in pounds' is much better economically, but if I commit to a job that I don't like doing, what's the point?
Also, if I were to get a Tier 2 sponsored job that I love, I would most likely move to another town. It's just another round of settling down but this time, there might not even be a community of Malaysians that I could be part of or a family friend close by. That, is very important to me. Moving to Bath, I knew I could visit my family and friends in Oxford easily and there is a Malaysian society at university. People will say that I can always make new friends and make home out of a unfamiliar place but mentally, I don't think I am ready for that. Like I said before, I'm ready to go home.

Q4: Would you go into politics?

No. There are many reasons why I don't want to but to save time, I just don't think it is for me. My calling in life is to help people and I don't think being involved in politics is the way to go. For me, there's too much people pleasing, bureaucracy and arguing involved. Not my cup of tea. I mean I'm happy to work with politicians because they make the rules but to be one, I'd rather leave that post for someone more competent.

Q5: So, can you give me counselling sessions (for free)? 

No, graduating with a BSc in Psychology does not make me a counsellor. I'm not trained to provide professional advice and its unethical for me to do so. I'd like to undergo training for basic counselling soon so maybe ask me after that? Also, please don't ask for free sessions (I know most people who ask, can afford it). Like any other service, people spend money and time becoming qualified so its only right that there should be a form of payment. Only in special circumstance will I even consider giving out free sessions but again, I'm not qualified yet so I can't say much on this.


End of FAQs!
These are just some of the questions I'm already getting regarding my post-grad plans. I had time to think about the answers so I hope they're satisfactory.

Posing like how I danced around those questions

I've thought about why the title is 'Bachelor of Science' because in the context of job market, one becomes an eligible bachelor waiting to commit to a job. Like any relationship, to be successful, one should be believe and be comfortable in doing that job while at the same time be challenging for potential self-growth. Ha, funny that.

Again, I would like to thank all my family, friends, housemates, coursemates and everyone in between for their support during my university years. I hope I continue to still have this love as I go into the next phase of my life.

Love,
Liza x

Stuck under the duvet: my safe space

You know it has been tough when the only place you can feel safe is under a pile of blankets because you don't have to interact with the world.. and the world can't touch you.

*warning: explicit content, needed certain words to help articulate this whole shit show*

Although it may sound repetitive and a recurring theme here on my blog for the past year, I have gone through yet another challenging month. In all honesty, I still think the challenge is still ongoing but at least I'm in a better place right now. I am able to (and willing to) write about it, that's always a good sign.

Fuck, I was in an all-time low last month. I felt like a huge bus filled with heartbreak, disappointment and a-n-x-i-e-t-y ran over me, repeatedly. I was a walking combustible tear bomb, tears were flowing when in church, in the middle of reading papers on Immanuel Kant and when I hear my mother's voice on the other end of the phone. Every single day felt like a struggle to smile and feel happiness. There are days where I'd rather lie in bed and just watch videos on youtube - I didn't even enjoy it! It literally felt like I was being enclosed in a dark cloud and there was nobody that I could reach out to. Of course, I knew I have people to turn to but for a few days (which felt like a month), I was convinced that I was alone and no use to anyone. I was told from a very honest friend that I embodied "Sadness" from Inside Out (see below).

 

Yep. That was me. 

This won't be a sop story about what happened in the past month. Instead, I'm going to tell you how I dealt with it, or at least, attempted to:

As a psychology undergraduate, I found myself beating myself up harder because I was feeling an imbalance in my mental state. I was convinced that because I have spent the past 3 years understanding the human mind, I should be able to control how I felt and thought. I should know the ways to cope with it and overcome it. However, the reality was that I don't and that was a hard pill to swallow. The only thing I knew I could do was to seek help. I am ever so blessed to be in my university because the wellbeing drop-in sessions saved my life. I had a productive safe space where I wasn't under blankets hiding; I was talking about it and having someone there to empathize and guide me. Of course, I knew that wasn't enough, I had to be honest with myself and put in the work. 

That started with opening up to the people that I hold so dearly in my heart, my mum, my best friend and my sayang. By telling them, I inadvertently admitted to myself that "shit, okay I need help and I'm okay with asking for help". I was reminded again that I have the most amazing, supportive people in my life and I was so stupid for thinking that I don't. Slowly, I started opening up to my friends here in university and I have been continually blessed with support and understanding. 

That's how I got comfortable enough to talk about it now. Of course, I still have that fear that my search for help will be belittled and invalidated by others who would think that I'm not strong enough to cope with difficult situations. That fear is very much real and I wish that those people who do think this way just keep it to themselves. It is frustrating how I am programmed to remember the one thing that went wrong rather than the million other things that went right, I assume that is the case for most of us as well. Utter bollocks right, how our brains are wired to perceive this way?! 

Right now, the duvet is less of a self-pity sinkhole and I'm feeling less anxious. The chronic sadness is also ebbing away now, which is great because this time of year when the days are shorter is when my Seasonal Affective Depression (this, I have shamefully self-diagnosed) is peak. Funnily enough, I have come to embrace the short days and I.. don't get depressed when the sun sets at 4pm anymore. A progress in my mental health? Fuck yeah. 

I would like to end this post with a list of the things that has helped me feel better, for future reference: 

1. Honesty. Especially with myself and to people that you love. 
2. Good communication, ties in with #1. Being brave to pick up that phone and dial-a-friend (or mum). 
3. Social life! Making plans with the housemates and friends helped distract me from my own pity party. 
4. Exercise. As someone who spent her placement arguing for the importance of active lifestyle, I needed to follow my own advice. Swimming once a week and pilates every other day! 
5. Gratitude journal. Just writing down the small things that I was happy for every day was self-empowering. 

This was me after a nice (long) walk with the housemates to Beckford Tower (in the background). 

The look that says "I'm trying to find internal happiness again"

The hard times are still here but I know I have people to talk to and most importantly, I believe in myself and my strength to face it head on, with the occasional trip under the duvet. I'm going to be gentle with myself and I do hope that you do that as well. The only love we can rely on is the love from God and the love from yourself. 

Till next time, xx

Falling Chp 2

Kira could hardly believe the words that came out of Mark's mouth. "Your father is the reason why we can't be together," he said softly, trying hard not to let his anger show through his tone. That sentence was more deafening to her than the previous shouting match they had just 10 minutes ago. At that moment, all the anger, the frustration turned into confusion.

"What has my father got to do with us? You haven't even met the man yet. Was it the article?" she asked, suddenly filled with curiosity. "It wasn't just the article, Kira," he admitted, referring to the the profile piece published by the Economist, a candid interview with her father. "It is everything else he believes in, his values, the way he treats his businesses and how he talks about his family... it is all too much. I can't be a part of it." As he was explaining himself, Mark was already heading to the door, his dufflebag slung across his body.

"But I'm not asking you to be part of it! I'm not even part of it! That is why I'm here, far away from him!" Kira begged, the tears started flowing again, this time the tears flow slowly down her cheeks, warm just like how his hugs feel. "You don't have to be.." "I'm sorry Kira, I.. need to leave."

Just like that, Mark closed the door behind him. Closing on the life he built with Kira for the past 9 months, in that little flat just above a Korean snack bar. He closed his eyes and breathed. Part of him wanted to try and work it out with her but another part sighed in relief that he left before things got ugly. The less Kira knows why he did what he did, the better. At least, that is what he keeps telling himself. "It's for the best," he assured himself and left. He had unfinished business to deal with.

On the other side of the door, Kira sat by the coffee table, a cup of freshly brewed coffee in her hand. The nutty aroma of the beans soothes her as she tries to go through the last hour, the last month, the last year. She knew that crying out loud would not bring Mark back, she knew it would make her feel weak. The last thing she wants to feel right now is weak. "I shouldn't have told him about my family. Mother was right," she sighed. Thinking back to that conversation when her mother sat her down, a few days before she left. "It'll be hard for people to accept you and your family, just don't get your hopes up," her mother so brutally put it when Kira explained that she was going to 'settle down there'.

"I guess love is out of the window for me then," Kira finally admitted as she finished her coffee. "Now, time to move on," she said out loud, in the way her father would order her.

My biggest flaw

Well, it has been awhile since I last wrote. Things just happened and personally, I have been going through quite a few things. Only recently have I found time to really have a think about it and reflect - you all know I love to reflect.

My go-to reflection pose.

For the sake of continuity, I do have to acknowledge the aftermath of the events in my previous post. Despite not being able to send my vote in back in time, Malaysians pulled through and we have a new government. Well, that's a loosely said term as there are a few of MPs, Cabinet Ministers who were part of the old ruling government at one point - my father included. However, their old affiliations aside, they are working under a different party and different vision now so we all can say that it is indeed a new Malaysia, which is a great start. There is such a long road ahead and we don't only need to be patient but we need to work hard as well. We, the country, the people and the government. That's all I should say on this matter, say too much and I might end up saying the wrong things.

Now back to my personal life (isn't it the main purpose of this online journal?). Placement is over! It feels weird because it is like I didn't really leave the placement because I feel like I'm still part of the project or like the project is still part of me. Is this getting too hippy-ish? It was such a great experience doing research work because I knew the impact it could make, granted you talk to the right person and ask the right questions. It got me excited about the science of learning the unknown. We can argue the whole day on whether psychology (or any social science for the matter) is a science or not but the fact that the field has enlightened us on various aspects of human behaviour and  interactions, that has to be something worth taking seriously, no? Placement has taught me so much about academia and my field and Bristol has taught me so much about myself. It was definitely a year of growth and challenges.. and it isn't over yet!

This is because there is the reality of going into my final year of university! Every now and again for the past few months, I get a mini panic attack whenever I think about doing final year, needing to apply for jobs and maintaining a good enough grades in order to apply for jobs. I start to wonder 'will I be good enough to work?' 'will I survive the "real world"?' 'will I ever earn enough to feed myself?' and the panic sets in like custard on bread pudding. As busy as I try to be this whole summer, now and again when I get those quiet times to 'reflect on life', these thoughts come floating in like Queen Bey in any red carpet event. Frankly, it scares me. I sometimes think that maybe I want to do a Masters or PhD is because I don't want to enter the corporate world and succumb to the capitalist way of earning money - working for the 'big guys' or start my own business/clinic/talk show because I'm terribly afraid of actually failing. Then I think back to the conversation I had with a very wise friend who asked me, "Why are you so afraid of failing? Everyone who succeed in life have failed and they are not afraid to admit it. Why do you think you can succeed without failing?" It was at that time I realised my biggest flaw, I'm scared of not making it the first time around.

Somehow I've managed to latch onto the belief that I either succeed on the first try or I don't at all. That manifested into a subtle but convoluted need to be in control of everything, including the parts that I have no control over. Not so funnily enough, this narrative dominated me despite watching or hearing about other people's journey to success, which included multiple failures. I have no answer as to why I think like this, some say it is the Asian mentality (again, a loose term) but I like to think it is entirely my own expectations about myself. Shaped by my previous experiences, my surroundings and the people I hang out with, I created an impossible goal: to get life right on the first try. I'm not blaming anyone, it is entirely down to the perception of my own brain.

It's not like I've ever succeeded on my first try. I failed to get on the state fencing team on my first try, I didn't get the job from my first placement interview, heck I've even failed to bake bread properly on my first try. So why do I think I need to do it right the first time? Is it to proof something to someone? To stand out in a crowd? JE NE SAIS PAS!! I thought writing about it will eventually give me some ideas but as you've read so far, I still have no clue.

What I do realise though is that this is the challenge I have to truly overcome. Failing the first time. I don't think real life experience from others alone will do it, I need to experience it myself. It is a tough situation to put myself in but I just have to. I'm not saying that I'll be actively seeking out failure, that's easy, all I have to do is to attempt cycling. I just need to put myself out there when the time comes.

Wish me luck.

I lost my voting virginity..or did I?

Some of you might not be aware of this but politics has been very present in the latter half of my life. Ever since my dad ran and won a parliament seat in the 2008 general elections, all of a sudden, my family name, my face and my actions became associated with 'politics' and 'who my dad is'.

As I was trying to find my place in the world that is secondary school, I became very sensitive and aware of my peers' political opinions, as it was quite "trendy" to express hate/dissatisfaction with the ruling government back then. Of course, right now this dissatisfaction is more prominent than ever but to a group of 13-year-olds with no voting power, it was more of saying it to 'fit in' or in my case, not be socially excluded. It was this situation that led me to slowly distance myself from the 'daughter of a politician' identity that I was involuntarily given.

I should clarify that I was never ashamed of my father's decision to be a politician, he gave up a better paying job to serve the people, despite the corrupted view the country has on the government. We might hate to admit this but there are some people doing amazing work for the country that are in the 'wrong' party. However, as humans, the cognitive dissonance of 'a good person' in the 'wrong party' forces us to ignore this anomaly and opt for the heuristic that classifies all in the group into one stereotype that is familiar to us. Well, that's a little nugget of psychology for you. Going back to my story...

Despite school-life being a politics-free zone for the first few years, as I made better friends and gained a better understanding of our nation's history to independence, I became more accepting of my 'daughter of a politician' status. This, I can only speak for myself. The 2013 general elections came, dad tried to get re-elected but unfortunately lost. A whole whirlwind of events happened which got me fueled up to exercise my rights to vote in the next election.

One of the things I made sure I did when I went home for the summer last year was to register as a voter. Back then, I was unsure how the voting process will be for me as I'll be miles away from my polling station in KK. I registered anyways. Then, the news of the 'postal vote' system was announced and it was a breath of relief as I'll be saving a trip to London (because I will defo stop for some korean fried chicken at On the Bab). So I filled up the form, waited a month, only to email them and receive this:

To all my non-Malay reading/speaking friends: basically my application as a postal voter was approved and the ballot will be sent out after the announcement of the candidates. The email ended with the slogan "Serving the country; efficient and transparent". Let's hold on to that, shall we?

If I remember correctly, parliament hasn't dissolved then so I wasn't aware of the time between the 'candidate announcement' day and actual voting day. It felt like it was a mandate that sufficient time should be given to ensure all postal votes can get back in time. As we all know too well, that was not what happened. Surely, an independent, fair election commission (EC) appointed by our Agung (King, yes a monarch in a democratic society, Malaysia is complicated) should have discussed this through, I mean, it is a nationwide election, not a voting day for your prom night theme. Even the Oscars gave their academy members a month to vote.

As I am powerless in demanding them to change the dates, I waited patiently after the 28th of April for my ballot. As they claim to be efficient, I thought ballots will be mailed out immediately after the names were announced, at least a day later. But not in my case. Apparently, each EC branch works at a different pace and are unable to keep up with the urgency of sending the ballots out on time. Here's an email I received on the 4th of May, one week later:

"Duly forwarded" on the 3rd. It took them a week to send my ballot out and still they missed a few details. It seems like the EC is oblivious to the logistics of the international posting system. Even with the fastest courier, it will take 5 working days for packages to arrive. I was so disheartened after realising that my vote will never make it back on time. I was one of the few of my friends to have actually registered on time and get the postal vote approval, yet, I'll still be part of the voices that were silenced due to the system that is so insistent in ensuring that we keep our voting virginity, at a time when we're so ready to give it away.

I've come to a point where despite signing all petitions and filling out all google forms, I know it isn't going to change the fact that my vote will not count. Then, I go on Facebook and see this:

I was feeling all sorts of emotions: anger, hatred, outright disappointment with our Deputy Minister of Home Affairs and Internal Security, someone who plays a part in running our country. For him, to say something so enraging, makes me wonder the extent of our leaders' intellectual capacity and ability to be professional. 0.1%/8000 votes is still a non-zero amount, meaning it is substantial and can potentially have the power to change the results for certain seats. To disregard us postal voters is to show the indifference to the minority. Yes, democracy means a leadership that is led by the (simple) people, i.e. the majority vote. However, in reality, it is way complex than this, as eloquently put in this sentence:

Majority rule is a means for organizing government and deciding public issues; it is not another road to oppression. Just as no self-appointed group has the right to oppress others, so no majority, even in a democracy, should take away the basic rights and freedoms of a minority group or individual (LawTeacher, 2013).

 I wasn't sure if I wanted to rant about the postal voting system or unpack the box that is "Malaysian politics" but I knew I wanted to share my side of the story. I guess this is how I "protest" against my country's decision to make us, overseas voters, victims of an unjust system.
I can't tell if I am making any sense at all as it is 1.24am and I am mostly fueled by rage which has long subdued after reading the essay on the concept of democracy (link here), which further convinces me that we humans suck at running a democratic society. Just an opinion.

Anyways, here's another screenshot of FedEx texting me about my postal vote delivery, just so this saga has an end:

 9th of May is voting day in Malaysia, also, there is a 5pm (Malaysia time) deadline for postal votes to arrive. Meaning my postal vote has to arrive Malaysia at 11am on the 9th of May (UK time). Do you see how ridiculous this is? Simply put, my ballot will arrive sometime on the 9th of May but for my vote to count, my ballot has to reach Malaysia by 11am on the 9th of May. If you are baffled, well, that's just a normal and expected reaction.

I guess to briefly explain how I lost my voting virginity, it hurt but it felt like it didn't happen.

Maybe second time round, it'll be more satisfying.

Unplugged and back.

Welcome back to another chapter to my soul-searching, inner reflection journey. The past few posts after the third chapter were quite on the surface in that I didn't really share much of my thoughts. Truth is, up until a month ago, I had nothing much to share with you guys.

March was a struggle. I was having trouble sleeping and then trouble waking up. Trust me, I wanted  sleep. There were days when I couldn't leave the bed till 10/11am or I couldn't fall asleep until 3am. It was a hard few weeks, it destroyed my motivation to go for work or do anything else. It was like there was a voice that kept reminding me that there was no point in me waking up early and doing anything productive, because it won't amount to anything. I felt defeated. 

This was happening as I was abstaining from social media.

I disabled and deleted all the social media apps and just went off the grid (well, I couldn't delete WhatsApp or Messenger). As I mentioned in the previous post, it was to get rid of the negativity that it made me feel. While I tried to make it sound as liberating as possible, truth is, that feeling only lasted awhile. Soon, I find myself mindlessly swiping through my home screen looking for an app to click on, to escape from reality. Then I had to catch myself and kept in mind why I was really doing it - to improve my attention span.

Yes, cutting off from the online world does stop you from comparing your reality to other's superficial online presence and that helps ease the mind a bit. However, after an excessive usage of social media over the past few years has made my attention span as short as a goldfish. There were times when I couldn't even concentrate on a conversation as my mind started thinking about something else -mainly to the notifications on the apps. Guys, it was really bad.

Thing is, I worked most of my life to be as smart as possible, to be as knowledgeable so I could feel useful in this world. I didn't really excel in the beauty or sports department so from a young age, I knew the only thing that I could improve on was my brain. To find that I was destroying the only thing that I worked hard to curate gave me a reality kick in the butt. I needed to refocus, to refresh my brain. Felt like the only way was to unplug from the only thing that gave me the least stimulation - social media.

However, the withdrawal symptom (i.e. itching to check your phone every 5 minutes) lasted longer than expected, the whole of Lent actually. I guess that's what brought about the lack of motivation in the past month. I'm not quite sure how they are linked together but I think the sudden absence of virtual places to escape to sent my brain into a shock. Suddenly, there is a need to find something to do, to properly stimulate the 'littel grey cells' as Hercule Poirot puts it. No more mindless scrolling and double-tapping. It's time to learn to be smart again.

 Right now, I only check Facebook, Twitter and Instagram when I'm on my laptop. Occasionally, I enable them on my phone for a few hours or a day or two. I suddenly feel that I had more control over it, like I have the power to delete them and not let them consume my life. This is when it was truly liberating, funnily enough only after Lent was over.

Yes, it did take awhile to fully unplug, it is not a fast-diet scheme. It takes time and a lot of self-control. Honestly, I did sneak a peek or two at my Facebook and Instagram account during the fast. It wasn't as cold turkey as I wanted it to be. Oh well.

I realised a progressive improvement with my sleep schedule and I moved my workouts to the mornings so I have a reason to get out of bed earlier (still struggle with the 7am alarm though - any tips for that?). The motivation is slowly coming back and I'm hoping to achieve what I want to before my placement ends. Can't believe there is only 2 months left before I move back to Bath. I try not to dwell on that thought yet.

I hope that my struggle resonates with some of you (especially the sleeping part - I have yet to understand why that happened). As always, come let's have a conversation about it!

Here is to a more productive, longer attention span April.

Till then,
LM x

Creating great atmos

Thank goodness the sun is shining and the snow has melted away. The last few days in the UK were a whirlwind to say the least. I thought I've escaped the extremities of the cold by staying in the South West of England. I guess there are a few things you just cannot escape.

Like the bad weather, sometimes you just cannot avoid bad situations/thoughts/people. It is just part of life. However, the only thing we can all control is how we react. I'm sure you've heard of this many times. I just want to contribute my personal journey on embracing the positive juju and creating great atmos. Two terms that any George Ezra fan will be familiar with.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I tend to set a new goal for myself every birthday. This year, I've decided to truly embrace the whole 'positive movement' in every aspect of my life. Having said that, it wasn't easy, as life (or self-growth) is never easy. It is a struggle but here are two tips that have helped me be happier with life, come what may.

Social media detox
I think we all know that sometimes social media can be mentally and emotionally draining as we watch stories of other people's lives and automatically compare to ours, which most of the time is just us laying in bed eating instant noodles. While I cannot bring myself to get rid of social media for good, I decided to have a round of detox -getting rid of anything that could make me feel bad about myself. My first step: unfollowing anyone that I can't relate to. This included majority of the Kardashians and 'friends' that I just don't connect with on any level. I've also used Facebook's 'filter' option to get rid of people who post nonsense on my timeline; it's way easier than going through my seemingly endless friends list, something I blame 12 year old me for. It was a phase of adding sprees wasn't it?  It made quite a difference when my timeline is just of people that I actually care about rather than a load of social media white noise. I'm still slowly filtering people out as I go and forcing myself to unfollow people. I honestly don't think I have to apologise for unfollowing anyone.

Another half of the detox process is getting some good stuff in. I've started following a few people who are part of the 'body positivity' movement, e.g. @bodyposipanda, @gracefvictory on instagram also a lot of coffee-related accounts (cause coffee makes me feel better). They help brighten up my feed a little bit as I can always take things away from their posts, rather than just blindly double-tapping for the sake of double-tapping. If you have any recommendations on any other positive-spreading accounts, let me know! All part of the great atmos creation.

Doing my favourite form of exercise -Pilates! 
So, I've been slacking off on the exercising bit, never really committing to anything. I've even stopped running for awhile after last year's Bath Half. I kept asking myself, 'Why can't I bring myself to go to the gym/go for a run/go for classes?' Then I realised it is because, quite simply, I hated it. The thought of me going to the gym or running in the winter just brings out the sloth in me and I refuse to move my butt. Heck, I even hated doing Tom Daley's Daily workout routine because I just get so bored. Then, I decided to try Cassey Ho aka blogilates' workouts. Two months in, and I'm still going! I finally found something that I can see myself committing to in the long term. Although sometimes I scream at my computer in the middle of a double leg lift, I started to feel more flexible and my posture is slowly improving. I'm hardly a POPster though, I still take an extra rest day or skip a few videos (esp the PIIT or cardio ones) but it is a slow climb up and I'm still climbing.

Also, I love Cassey because she is always smiling or full of energy even in the middle of the most intense moves (which sometimes can frustrate me) but her words of encouragement and pearls of positivity wisdom served as a reminder that we set our own pace in life and that everyone is moving at different speeds. It just helps when you have someone telling you that while you are working out.

~

There you have it, my two nuggets of positive enhancement. If there's anything to take away from, I guess it is that surrounding yourself with amazing/supportive people and doing anything that brings a smile to your face is important. It is far from being selfish because the more good feels you have, the more you want to share it. It is a gift that keeps on giving. Try it for yourself! 

Well, that's all from me today. I have a few more things that I want to share with you all but it's taking longer to have the courage to write it down than expected. Hopefully, soon.

Till then,
Liza x

For the 22nd time

The inevitable soundtrack of any 22 year old, T-Swift's "22", plays at the back of my head like the background music of my life. 

 

Yes, I do feel 22 and I'm happy to turn a year older. Like the renewed sense of motivation that befalls us every new year's eve, that's how I feel every birthday.

"This year, would be the year I finally (insert goal)" -me, every 22nd of January. 

As I've acquired the ability to self-reflect (circa 2012), the days leading up to my b-day has always been filled with reflections and anticipations. "What am I grateful for? Who am I grateful for?" are the main questions that float in my head as I plan out an entire appreciation post for my social media pages, because that's how we celebrate birthdays nowadays.

This year's self-reflection was a tough one as I had to revisit a lot of closed doors that held the horrors of my 21st year on Earth. Then, it led me to what was the most eye-opening last few months in 2017 that set the course for how I want to spend my 22nd year and hopefully the next few years as well.

So here it is, my appreciation post (sans photos because I have lost all energy to compile them):

Firstly, I would like to thank God for not giving up on me and always sending me the most unexpected people into my life. To all at ACTS Bristol and St. Mary's Young Adult Prayer Group, thanks for allowing this lost soul to find her way back to God. Here's to an exciting spiritual journey.

My parents, pa and mummy, thanks for sending me money in desperate times and also for answering my calls when I am feeling homesick and need to see you all. I know I was a challenge to raise and thank you for giving me the opportunities to pursue my passion. Without your never-ending support (despite the hopes of me being a lawyer, still not happening Pa), I will never be where I am right now, doing amazing research.

To my best friend, Heidi, thank you for being honest and supportive when I needed you. Despite us hardly meeting up, I know you are always there to give me the real advice (and also to 'sigh' about our life). We'll get there someday!

My Fitbit & beaut fam, thanks for carrying me through the first half of last year and just being the friends I needed. Thanks for constantly being fit so I am compelled to exercise. Also, the Bath Half! Can't wait to catch up with you all next week in Prague!! We are going to hit the 10k mark every day.

Summer/Winter/Spring Leftover group! Thank you thank you thank you for inviting me into your homes and filling my stomach up with delicious cooking (really can't say that enough). Also, for all the banter and interesting conversations. You all made Bristol more like home for me, for that, I will always be grateful.

To Nab, my flatmate. Thanks for dealing with my rants and mishaps of my dating life, which is (thankfully) on hiatus at the moment. To more late night talk, drinks and Netflix sharing (with Daryl haha). Glad we moved in together.

UWE Bar students, you guys. Thanks for the great night outs and for allowing this 'staff member' to join you all for lunch at the Atrium and constantly remind myself that I am lucky to have not gone down the Lawyer path.

To everyone else, you guys played a part in shaping who I am today. Your presence are like the colourful dots on my canvas, making the bigger picture even more alive. So thank you, I apologise for not being able to name you one by one, that will take too long as there are so many of you!

Here's to being a better version of myself. Liza v22.0, let's go.

Here's a very cute photo of me (no shame) in honour of my special day. Enjoy. 

 

The potential dangers of self-care

(There is a reason why this photo is like this, keep reading!)

Happy 2018 everyone! I hope everyone had an enjoyable holiday and if you didn't, you can be relieved that it's over! 

I hope the excitement of the new year hasn't rubbed off yet and that you're working hard to stick to whatever resolutions/goals/dreams you've (secretly) promised to do. Mine is to read further and beyond the academics. My current choice is Jostein Gaarder's Sophie's World, had the book since I was 16 and I think I've finally reached an age suitable to comprehend the simplified summary of philosophy. So far, I'm enjoying it. Let's all work hard towards our goals! 

Aside from the fact that Trump is still president and still tweeting ridiculous things, that Brexit may/may not happen and that Dr. Mahathir running for PM again, I hope your 2018 had a good start. I had a rocky start myself, spending NYE with viral tonsilitis and then getting gum disease and oral inflammation shortly afterwards. Also, I got hit by a Deliveroo guy on a bike - my fault completely. Everyone was okay, including the food, so no worries. The reason why I'm telling you this is that the average reaction I received after sharing my eventful 1st week of 2018 was along the lines of  'Oh, poor you! Please take care!' which prompted me to reason with myself that I should indulge in what is now commonly known as 'self-care'. 

Unsure whether it was the power of the new year or my new found inability to binge watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for the 5th time, I felt like I was taking this self-care treatment too far that it started to lose it's original purpose for me. While self-care is important for our well being, it started to become an excuse for me to not be productive for a long period of time. Again, it was the perfect justification for me to either lock myself up in my room for the whole weekend or spend lavishly on things I don't need so that I can 'feel better'. Instead of feeling like I'm giving my body the love and rest it needs, I was using the term as a forefront to engage in selfish and meaningless activities. I wasn't feeding my soul, I was doing superficial things.

Granted, watching a few episodes of a sitcom can cheer one up but man, don't know about you but I feel so sluggish after every binge, like I've wasted precious hours. With retail therapy, I guess it just never works for me. I end up buying things I don't need and curse myself every summer when I have to pack and move houses (dreading it). I guess it's not that self-care is bad, it's just how I was doing it. Hence, the photo above where the word 'Self-Care' is not aligned with the shadow, because I probably wasn't doing it that really works for me. 

Then, I came across this Buzzfeed list: 21 ways to be a little more ok in 2018.  It did mention a few things that I was already doing, but a few other more. For example, read more books (see first paragraph) and a few other activities I would like to try. I'd suggest reading the list as well, it might inspire you. 

In essence, if whatever you term as 'self-care' is not helping you to recharge and be a better person at work, with friends or society in general, then probably your routine needs a little tweak and that's okay. I got to know myself a little bit more from this and now I'm taking a different approach. We'll see how my new 'feel better 2018' routine does in a few weeks. 

I hope you all will be taking care of yourself (appropriately) this 2018! We need to start spreading some positive juju around, and what better way to do it than to spread it within yourself first! 

Till next time, 

LM x 

Beat the cold with Christmas

It's December! And you know what that means: Christmas, Christmas and Christmas! Also, not to mention the cold and shorter days. At least the 4pm sunsets make me feel like I'm working until "late night" at the office.

Anyways, the idea for this post came to me when I was struggling to leave the warmth of my blanket burrito and head to work. 'I need like a 7-step plan every morning to motivate me to get to work during winter' I tell myself on those mornings when I'd rather stay snug in bed.
I realised then that I could probably use my love for Christmas to get myself more productive! As I am known to get slightly too festive too soon. Like, doesn't everyone own a reindeer hoodie and (secretly) listens to Christmas music in November?


So, I've taken it upon myself to write up a few things that I do to make me feel merry (and get out of bed):

1. SWEATERS! The snuggliest sweaters you can find. My tip: vintage shops usually have the best ones: oversized, woolly and snuggly. Only get ones that makes you want to wear them outside and show people how dressed you are for the cold! Most of my sweaters are either from thrift shops or the H&M Kids section (aged 12-13 years).

2. SCARVES! No, not the 1990s shoelaces disguised as scarves that all of your favourite pop singers wore on the red carpet but the thick, warm, toasty ones that you wrap round and round your neck till it covers the bottom half of your face. Keeps the face from getting all icy cold as well.

3. SONGS! Say it with me: "The best way to spread Christmas cheer, is singing loud for all to hear" (Buddy the Elf, 2003). Okay, maybe not sing it out loud, but maybe plug in your headphones and bob your head to Wham!'s Last Christmas or the whole Michael Buble's Christmas deluxe album. Here's my Christmas Jams playlist, feel free to follow and 'shuffle play'. It has everything from Elvis to Buble, Lady Gaga to Zooey Deschanel. Something for you to get in the festive mood, that always cheers me up when the weather is not particularly cheerful.

4. SHOPPING! Okay, not really going out and spending all your cash but I couldn't bring myself to break the pattern of words beginning with S. The Christmas Markets are on! Visit your local one and just marvel at all the decorated huts selling things worthy of being presents for your loved ones. Or, you could make it a thing to visit the best markets around your area but the crowd is definitely not a crowd-favourite (ironic, isn't it?). For me, Bath's Christmas Markets are absolutely a joy to walk through but when the crowd comes in, that's when I'd rather hide indoors with...

5. MOVIES! (I gave up trying to find a suitable S-word) but having a film to look forward to watching every night helps me be extra productive at work, so I don't feel guilty spending 2 hours watching The Holiday again (and again). Christmas films are always fun to watch, except Die Hard. Not sure why that film is always on those 'Top Christmas films to watch' lists, because of that one festive scene?

6. WARM DRINKS! Coffee, hot chocolate or anything mulled. Instead of paying extortionate amount of money for a cup of mulled wine outside, I make my own! Go to the supermarket, buy the spices, an affordable bottle of red wine (any 'oaky' ones, I normally go for whatever is cheap) and an orange. Perfect hand warmers for when the heater in my room just didn't work.

7. GOOD VIBES! I guess nothing beats the cold the warmth of good company. I might not go to many fancy Christmas dinners this time around but making time over the weekend to visit friends/the sister definitely helped me forget about the cold. I'm also planning a little R&R trip on my own, and if that is more you, that's good too! As long as you are toasty on the inside.

Well, there you go. This is how I try to combat my (self-diagnosed) Seasonal Affective Disorder and spread the Christmas spirit. Going to church also helps because advent = singing carols = singing my favourite songs out loud where only God's judgement matters. IMHO, I think He loves my singing, or at least, He hasn't complained.

I do hope where ever you are, whoever you are with, no matter what you do, that your Christmas is as love-filled as the Grinch's heart when he started feeling again. I do love that Christmas is at the end of the year because isn't it the best way to start putting things into perspective and cherish what matters. Despite the stress of preparing the feast or buying Christmas presents, I wish that you all can still have a merry, merry, Christmas.

Here's a photo of me, as a reindeer to end the post:

Liza x