The 19th Life

So hi.

I'm 19 already, was just reading my previous post and I realised that I should keep coming back to that post! It was a well written *ahem* note to self. Sometimes people stray and well we need some tugging to get back on the right track.

I was also going through "My Dreams" page and realised that I wanted to get a 4/5 in my UCAS and I did!! Sadly, I also wanted to get into CU (Cambridge University) for PBS but was rejected through a letter (hence, the missing 1/5). It was hard for me to come to terms with that rejection as months and months of building up anticipation and preparation only to have it swept aside in one swift move, in this case, a swift opening of a letter.

Well, it took me quite awhile to finally realise that my undergrad dreams in Cambridge is over and that the future is yet again uncertain. This time though, I am ready.
For now, I am ever so grateful with my offer from Bath Uni and I know I can and would have to work my butt off for this grade (A*AA). At least, I know I'm heading to an equally great place as both universities have the same offer, and Bath provides placement years which I know is vital when going out into the real "work world".

Life in CATS so far have been amazing, ups and downs yes, but amazing nonetheless. My way of carefully selecting the people I surround myself with is working out for the best. I get to be in great company and on the other hand, enjoy dwelling in my own thoughts.

So great things are ahead these next few months, like the Grad Ball in May, my volunteering project in July and UNI in September!!

All is well.

What turning 18 meant to me.

It's been a while since I've last entered a journal, be it on paper or online. It's just that overtime, I've gotten so tired of it, tired of me trying to make sense of my life by writing it down, that I just stopped.

Worst decision I ever made, because so many things happened in this year that I should really note down my thoughts but then, most of them were simply not worth reliving into words.

It was still terrible not being able to make my thoughts into words as I felt so lost. I didn't know how I should feel or how I should react. Looking back, I've grown so much from how I used to think and what I wanted to be.

People always say the best way to live is to go through the worst of times. Admittedly, I might sound a bit pretentious for knowing what 'worst of times' really is as clearly, I've never even been in a terrible state enough to call it a tragedy. In this individualistic society that we live in, it is acknowledged that everyone is different and we all have respective high and low points in our lives.

I've had my high and my lowest in the span of 10 months. I went from state fencer with a fairly acceptable body, totally in love with a boy I thought was my everything, family being on great terms with each other to 10kg heavier, single and away from my family (they're still on good terms.. well most of them are anyways) by the next 6 months. I was in denial for a while until I realised how empty I felt when I'm alone but then I learned how to get used to my own company.

Someone wise once said "You'll never get to love and be loved by someone else if you don't love yourself with complete acceptance. Once you can accept yourself for who you are, then only can you love deeply." That woke me up.

I started to enjoy company and also enjoy being in my own thoughts. I started to turn my urge to be creative, even though I know I'm not good at it, through phone photography and laying filters to make it into an image I was happy to post on instagram.

Another thing that I had to learn it the hard way was to not judge people all the time and simply not give a fuck about what they think about you. It is their business how they see you, and you have no part in it. The only thing you can do, and do it well is to be the best version of yourself. Be someone that you will admire. Say nice things, give compliments, ask them how they're doing, make a joke, go out and have a pint. Just enjoy pure human interaction. People are just interesting when you get to know them.

However, I know learned to set limits to the type of people I hang out with and the people I trust. It might be a bit contradicting to my previous point but when it comes to friends, it's all about what feels right. The feeling might not come instantaneously, as I have to find out, but when it comes, you'll know if they're worth staying in touch with after you graduate.

Personally, I've stepped back a bit from social media and exposing my life onto the internet because I'm annoyed at how other people misuse this platform and I just don't want to be part of it. Facebook shares are mostly links to touching videos and statuses are mostly very philosophical or just plain Liza. I hardly ever tweet anymore, insta pics are mostly just snapshots. I think I'm just growing old that's why. Don't really care if I managed to get over 50 likes in this picture etc.

My mind is basically non-stop sentences of things that I've learned and when I thought I'm done, another experience comes up and I want to write about it again. Although I would really like to explore my mind a little deeper, I do have to end this as it's getting incredibly long and it's late.
Early start tomorrow and they closed the bridge that I use as a shortcut to school, so I have to walk a little bit more :/

Anyways, to whoever who made it this far, thank you.

Post Drama Depression

In my very short years into being fans of Asian drama, I have skipped endless hours of beauty sleep to finish watching the series. Only a few managed to get me into PDD (post drama depression). As the amount of time needed to recover from this period takes a lot of time and often draining out my energy, I have given myself a limit as to how many I should watch at a time (only one) and how long should I give myself time to watch one series.

I am suffering from my life's biggest PDD ever. All thanks to an alien and Asia's no.1 actress.

This drama probably affected me a lot as I myself am going through emotional problems right now. When Du Min Jun said the final line of the series: "I'm home.", my heart immediately sank and I "lost all will to live". I wanted to escape into their world to be part of their story. I want to know if they would have 7 kids and 5 dogs.

I would probably sulk and rant for a few days. I know I will get over it. I have to.. there are other dramas demanded to be watched.

Things I can't write in my personal statement

Most AS students would normally fill their summer before the A2 year with activities that might help them with their personal statements like work experience, or catching up on that "recommended" reading list.

I planned to do that, too. However, things never go as planned.

The freedom I thought I would have when I reached home is all but a reality.

Coming back after being abroad for 6 months altered my perception of my home ground. The mindset of the people and the culture here is totally different than what I experienced back in the UK. I cannot necessarily say which culture is the better one as both have their flaws too. As I was alone overseas, the only type of people that I spend time with are my friends. Here, I had to choose between family and friends.

Being Asian (strong family ties etc), I was brought up to always put family first. Most of the times I chose to go with the idea, but then there are times when I wanted to contradict this concept. Unfortunately, to pay the price for sticking with my own blood, I had to stand at the sidelines *Snapchats*  to watch my friends enjoy themselves.

Old people like to say that all these "having fun" is not worth it and that I should do more productive things. I just think that they are being unfair as they had the chance to "have fun" while I don't. Thing is, where I am from, in 3 months time, most of my high school friends would be overseas. Everyone will not be in the same place. I have a few who are already overseas and the few days that they were back, I couldn't even meet up with them because I had to "stay at home".

Is this how it's like to grow up, having to choose between what you have to do and what you want to do?

As the elder one in the family, I am expected to be the better example for my younger siblings. I tried to do my best to show them that there are times when family should come first. However, seems like the few times I choose not to do so, I am immediately pointed out for contradicting myself, but then they are allowed to do things this 18 year old couldn't do.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have come home.

Going into my first month of summer, I learned to stand up for myself and not be too reserved. I learned to accept the fact that friends can have fun with other friends and that I can too. I learned (the hard way) that by not saying what you want to say, you would end up regretting it for a very long time. Finally, I learned that not getting your way is the first step of learning how to get your way.

I wished the UCAS would accept this but in reality, I do still need work experience to get into the good universities! Commence job hunting.

Sunshine and Mosquitos

Finally back on home soil!

To be fair, I kept my arrival pretty secret from my friends and some of my family. I felt like I didn't want to make a big deal out of it so I told them I was arriving at a later date. Turns out my plan to surprise them backfired as they got kind of mad when they saw me 10 days before I was expected to arrive.

I'm not sure if I am happy or relieved to be back. Happy because I know that I can sleep in and choose not to do anything school related for the day or relieved that I don't have to worry about money anymore. Finances always scare me.

It feels so weird now that when I was catching up with a few friends that I realised some of my schoolmates were either leaving soon or have already left. It's weird that just last year, I used to see them 6 days a week for 8 hours a day in school and now, I hardly get to spend 20 mins with some of them. I guess this is what happens after high school. I do get a sense of relief that even though we haven't seen each other in months, we could still talk like how we used to, and that makes me feel at home.

Friendships are so hard to keep. It's so easy for people to just lose contact. Although there's all these social media sites to keep their contacts in store but really, who has the time now to private message someone from the past? Liking an instagram picture hardly counts as "still in touch".

Deep down I know who is worth the late night yumchas and the early morning runs with. I just hope I'm like that to them to.

Anyways, enjoying all the Vitamin D and the excess UV rays here. Hoping to get a tan! Also, the mosquitos must've missed my blood so much that they can't get enough of it. Tropical life. *pun intended*

Personal statement should be the last thing on my mind.

Last glimpse

People always say that you'll move on and that things will become better. Someone even told me that in 3 months' time I would look back and see how ridiculous everything was.

Truth is, it was never ridiculous. Blinded as I may seem, I was truly deeply in love with him. His flaws and his smile, regardless, compelled me into this abyss of feelings that I never thought I was able to experience at such a young age. It was so scary but at the same time, I enjoyed the terror.

I remember riding in the car after school and passing by the old spot to see if he would be standing there. Most of the time he was, and that made my day so much better. There were a few times when I pretended not to see him but immediately regretted it. It felt like a last glimpse of him before I leave the only place I can spend time with him was so crucial in setting my mood when I get home.

Everything he did, I took it to heart. Never have I imagined myself turning into a relationship monster. In retrospect, I was a terrible person. I have set up such high expectations that I blinded myself from what was right in front of me. That moment I knew, there was no going back. The damage has been done and I have no one to blame but me.

Unfortunately, this is life. Things between us will never be the same as before. I just have to accept it and move on. Easier said than done. It took me almost 5 months to finally get my head and heart in line. Of course, its a warm feeling whenever memories from those 12 months flashes back but at the same time, I know there is so much more in store for me. If only I break past my bubble.

We both changed. Last year, it might be the case where we can get through everything together but I guess even our promises have an expiry date. There will never be another you but someone else can also catch my heart.

No matter how much my mind wants to see you for the last time, just like the high school days, but I have to get used to the fact that I don't need you to feel better.

It's time for me to stop counting on the past when the only moments worth hoping for, is the present.

Why can't you see it?

I have just had the pleasure of seeing love coming out from the eyes of a very interesting person. It wasn't in an appropriate situation as the topic of our conversation was actually something totally the opposite. However, for that fraction of time when we happened to stumble upon the unexplainable emotion that every teenager, in fact every human soul, crave to feel, I saw it.

I saw pure love. 

You know how in romantic, sappy movie scenes where you just know that is when the guy falls in love with the girl by just looking at her with such deep affection that every girl would go "Why doesn't any guy look at me like that?!". Well, I saw it today, as he was telling me about her, the way he smiles when he recalls the first day they got together, the things that she does that makes it all (the bad times) worth it. It made me believe that boys are capable of love. They really do. It just has to be with the right girl. Based on that few hours, when a guy finds the right girl, trust me, if he is smart enough, he will hold on to her and never let go. 

It sucks knowing that all the effort that you put in is not reciprocated in the way you expected. Honestly, it is to some extent impossible to return every single favour, but as human beings, we should have the decency to try our best to give back as much as we have received. I mean that is the least we can do. If I were to receive a simple "Thank You" card from someone I have helped, or in modern days a tweet or an instagram dedication, it would be enough for me. 

There is really no reason to not to give back in a way. 

In this modern world of deceit, ambiguity, insecurity, and betrayal, to be able to be loved and to love for who YOU are is one of the greatest things that can happen to us. Yet, some people don't cherish it as much as they should. I didn't. I threw away my source of happiness because I was insecure when all the security and assurance I had was right in front of me and I was too caught up with perfection to notice it. I just don't want anyone to repeat the same mistakes as I did. Don't throw away your happiness, even though it is tough shit at the moment, think about it, you know no matter what, seeing him especially smile for you will make it all worth it. 

Seeing that glow from that someone today made me realise that actions might speak louder than words, but words with promises are the ones that require actions.