A lot has happened since I last wrote. They happened quite unexpectedly and continuously.
To start off, I finally admitted, to myself and everyone else that cared that I don't have the mental or physical strength to do both a full-time (non-paid) placement and a part-time (paid) waitress job. In short, I quit. It was relieving to finally not have to constantly dread going to something (the part-time job), never realised how much it was weighing my spirits down. I am so blessed to have very understanding parents that want me to put my studies first. I can now focus on my placement and hopefully do amazing research work.
As far that good decisions go, that was it. Unfortunately, I have voluntarily placed myself in a vulnerable and emotional situation. Being in my 20s, it is only natural that I wanted to see how its like when I put myself out there. I've been fortunate enough to have made good friendships but then I get too attached. I've given myself the ideal that if I want it bad enough, it'll happen. I've learnt the hard way that what you think is not what reality is. I was foolishly wearing rose-tinted glasses in this situation and as expected, I had expectations. As much as I try to not expect too much (I can be a realist), when the truth is not what you want to hear, it sucks. It really does.
I tried to hide behind the mask of a 'strong, independent woman'. That only got me even more upset because I felt like I am not allowed to feel upset and that I should have a 'fuck all' attitude and take pride in my stride and move on. But I couldn't. I was going crazy feeling like there is no where out this abyss of self-doubt: "Was I really not good enough??"
Thankfully (really thankfully), I just have the best people in my life who were okay with me not being okay for awhile. Then, I just decided to be not okay. Man, it hurts but it was good because then I needed to stop this. Otherwise, pretending that I'm okay will just keep me in denial.
I wish I can say that I'm better now but I'm not.
I know I'll get better. Just not today.
Sorry, no motivational/empowering/inspirational thoughts this time. I struggle to feel them at the moment.
Thanks for reading this as I try to understand life. Sending much love to you all.
Oh and mum, if you're reading this, don't worry please, I'll get through this.
Liza x