To celebrate, to remember: my father

"Take care of the house, the dogs, the chickens, fertilise the plants and take care of mum," was one of the last things my father told me. I struggle to remember the exact last words he told me before he was sedated - to help him recover faster. However, the last memory of me reading Jeffrey Archer to him would be something I will forever cherish. 

The past week, my family and I were overwhelmed with the love and support from friends and family near and far. For me, hearing about his life as a lawyer, politician and friend was comforting and refreshing, as his daughter, intentionally or not, I was not able to experience him as someone other than my father. 

This piece is dedicated to remembering him as a father, hoping that it can bring comfort to you as your tributes/eulogy have comforted me. 

For those who were there for my dad's 60th birthday party, you might remember me saying that my dad and I never had a daddy's princess sort of relationship. My father showed affection slightly differently, mainly through his stern lectures. It was hard, trying to live up to his expectations as his firstborn, especially through my teenage years. I felt like I was constantly being pushed into a corner - to be a lawyer, to join politics, to follow in his footsteps. However, this pressure was all in my head, an expectation I have set for myself. 

In truth, my father has always supported me, despite how crazy my dreams and ambitions were. When I first told him I wanted to study English Literature and be a journalist, he bought me books on literature and writing. When I wanted to take 4 weeks off of Malaysian school to attend summer school in Oxford - he let me, with little resistance. When fencing started becoming competitive for me, he made sure I had the necessary equipments, checked in after every competition, had thanksgiving dinners after each victory. When I got into University of Bath for psychology, he was there for my first day - to make sure I was all settled down. When I graduated, he took 3 days off from his role as a cabinet minister to attend my graduation. When I landed my first job as a consultant in the inclusion and diversity field and in women empowerment, he tried to help in any way he can (even pushed for the sexual harassment act, which has been in the works since the 90s). 

In hindsight, his tough love, was the warmest love a father could give.

My father and I after I came back with my gold medal in fencing. 'Next stop, Olympics' he said. [2012]

At his favourite restaurant, Ang's Hotel [2016]

At my mother's 55th birthday surprised birthday party, all planned by my father. [2018] 

My dad is one full of (recycled and reused) jokes and silly antics. He hardly ever brought home his work, it seems like the moment he steps into his home and changes into his house clothes (usually a loose t-shirt and his sarong), he becomes a stay-at-home dad who loves his garden, his chickens and dogs. My home has never looked the same each time I come back, there is always something he is changing, adding and upgrading. He wanted to create a space where he can be at home and still be able to host people from all walks of life - I think he managed to do that, with great success. 

With the Children's Liturgy Caroling team [2018]

My dad always, always puts family first. His tough love extends to my cousins, their children and beyond. He took pride in how diverse our family is and how we all, in general, get along. This pride extended to the whole state of Sabah, and I know he fought hard to ensure not only this harmonious living continues here but that it can influence the rest of the nation to follow suit. Lest forget his efforts in the MA63 fight. He really fought tooth and nail to ensure Sabah and Sarawak gets their status as partners restored. 

Funny enough, this was when I started to really have proper conversations with my father surrounding politics. When the votes did not go through in parliament, he took leave mid-year to fly over to London to get his mind off things. I took a bus from Bath to see him. Over dinner with just the two of us (no entourage, no meetings to go to - very rare), we discussed why few MPs abstained, how important the vote was...and if he will ever retire from politics. He told me that he'd love to one day but his then boss, a 93-year old, has set the retirement age too high. From that night onwards, whenever I needed a sounding board to understand the mess that is Malaysian politics, I go to him. Eventually, I decided to record our conversations and turn it into a podcast: Conversations with my Father. Now, it has become my go-to playlist whenever I need to hear his voice. 

My father loved being behind the camera. Our house is just filled with photographs. [2014]

My father also loves the Word and the Lord. He hangs bible verses all around the house and constantly quotes bible verses to us when we were in difficult situations. Every celebration and even tribulations, he trusted in God and made sure we all prayed and celebrated in His name. This meant a lot of thanksgiving mass at home and yes, more gatherings and parties. His faith in Christ has also made his passing slightly more comforting to me as I know he is no longer in pain and back in the arms of the Lord.

At my parents' 24th wedding anniversary thanksgiving mass. I'll miss holding your hands pa. [2019]

Having said that, part of me still struggles to accept that he is really gone. Part of me still expects to hear the door open and see him come through the door, back from his travels to KL, Sandakan or a meeting. Part of me still wants to see him sitting in his favourite spot near the fishes, drinking his favourite durian coffee. I have learned so much from him, yet I still need his guidance in so much more. Definitely needed his opinion on the current political situation in Sabah and Malaysia but alas, I would have to wait till I meet him again in the new life. 

I know there is still so much to my father that I have yet to talk about - his love for photography, for adventures, for whiskey and cigars. However, I'm pretty sure you all reading already are aware of this and plenty has already shared what kind of person he meant to you. I thought I'd share how he was as my father - just so we can all continue to celebrate his life with this knowledge. Not sure how long it will take me to stop tearing up whenever I think of him, but I know with the love and support from all of you, family and friends - this incredibly difficult time has been so much more easier to go through. 

Our final family portrait [2020]

"Enough lah, enough, Ying. Be strong. I need you to be strong, I am okay" was what he whispered to me, 2 days after his passing. It was then, I realised that I am the one to continue his legacy and I know he wants me to be ready, when the time comes. Here's to hoping, he continues to whisper to me when I need him the most. Pa, I'll continue to make you proud. 

<3

A distraction: a short story

Let this be a distraction to all the news, to all the 'self-improvement' achievements on social media, to all the covidiocy.

Here's a story for you:

A girl sits on the edge of her seat as the bus drew closer to her stop. She reached out, pressed the bell and the bus came to an immediate halt right next to the bus stop, throwing her off her seat. It was a late weekday evening in a small town, she was the only one in the bus.

'Sorry,' she mumbled to the bus driver as she got off. 'Thanks,' she tried to say as the bus driver closed the doors behind her and sped away. Possibly it's the end of his shift, she thought. Perhaps he is rushing home to have dinner with his family. How nice. 

A cold breeze snapped her back into reality before she falls into a pity party in her brain. She remembered why she was out. The warm lights from the restaurant was the only source of light and life in an otherwise dead part of a sleepy town. She walked towards it, took a deep breath and pushed through the doors of this 6-table bistro.

There he is, just as he said he would be. A weight came off her shoulder that she was not aware she was carrying, but for the longest time, she felt relieved. The restaurant had a few patrons but he managed to get the table by the fireside. Just like when we first met.

He looked up as she entered the room, stood up from his seat, opened his arms and gave her the biggest smile. I've missed that smile. Suddenly, she felt a tinge of sadness but she stopped herself before she could feel any further.

'It's been awhile,' he said as he bear-hugged her. 'Yes.. it has,' she said between breaths as she recovers from the physical contact that knocked the winds out of her.

'So, any drinks? Starters?' he asked as he skims the single-sheet two paged menu.

'Actually, Mark, can we just have water for now?' she quickly interject as the waiter/owner/manager approaches the table. 'Just some tap water for now please,' she turned to the multi-role person with a pen and a pad before Mark could interject.

'Everything okay? You never say no to drinks and starters when we're here,' he asked as a concerned look grows on his face.

'Look Mark, I think, we need to stop whatever we are doing. We've been doing this for months and...' I just can't anymore. 

'But I love you Kira. I thought you love me too,' he said as he tried to hold her clenched fists on the table.

'No, you don't. You love the idea of having someone to care for, you love the idea of being attached to someone and you love the idea of having someone to call when you want to talk. But you, don't love me.' she said as calm as composed as she could. No, tearducts, don't ruin this for me.'

'How else am I supposed to love you then when the only way to express it is through our phone calls?' he said as he matched her calmness.
But in reality, Mark could hardly believe the conversation he was having. He thought tonight was going to be the beginning of something that could last. After all this while, the distance, the pain, the dilemmas, he finally decided to choose her. He reached into the pocket of his bomber jacket and squeezed the box.

'It's not what you did but how you did it, Mark,' shit, it's getting too cliche and cringy now. 'I am always the first to call, the first to plan things. The past few months, you've never once made plans to come visit me. You keep saying that I put way more effort into this than you, but you never stepped up. You knew the effort one puts in to make it work but you don't act on it. Tell me if that's love to you.' She looked at him straight in the eye, she wanted to pick up any signs of hesitation, admission and guilt. However, after all this while, to her, he was still like a brick wall, harder to read than her prison patients.

'You're right, that's not love to you. But that's love to me. I let you call because I know you plan your days to make time to talk to me, I let you plan our getaways because I know you'll include surprises for me and I just love seeing your face light up when I like it. I couldn't come visit you because I know your family will hunt me down when they know I was there with you.'

But now is different, Mark. My family, they are all in the past now.

'I know things are different now and I admit that I did not put in the effort. But I want to, I want to make the effort now.'

This caught her by surprise, she was looking at the face of a man who she once thought the world of, now begging for her to give him a chance. But I have to keep my cool, this must end today, or else I might just kill myself to get rid of the pain. 

'No, Mark. You can't put in the effort now, it really is too late. I'm sorry but I can't go on with this any longer.' She knew she has said enough and stood up to leave. The waiter-owner came over with the menu and she quickly interjected, 'I'm sorry but I don't think I'll be ordering.' As she left for the doors, part of her wished he shouted for her, hugged her and begged her to not leave, again.

But he never did. All the times she has had this conversation with him, he never did.

As she pushed through the doors, the resisted the urge to look back and walked confidently to the bus stop. A relief, I did it. I am free now.

The waiter-owner looked out of his small bistro's window and sighed. 'It's been a month now,' he said to himself. He picked up the one glass of water and wiped the table.

'Is she okay?' asked a patron who has been observing her since she walked in 15 minutes ago.

'Well, past few weeks she only stared into space for 5 minutes then leave sobbing. But today, she did not shed a single tear. I think she is okay now,' the owner replied, almost to himself as he wipes down the empty table by the fireside that has only served one for 30 days.

Maybe I won't have to come back tomorrow. 

She smiled to herself and waved down the bus.

-----

Well that was quite a fun story to write! Mark & 'the girl' is actually a very complicated love story that I have had in my head for quite a while. I wrote about how they met here and since then, their story has only existed in my brain and a few scribblings on napkins. Thought I'd share how they ended things (or did they? Is Mark still alive?)

Hope you all enjoyed reading this! It was a fun distraction for me whilst I prepare for the most intensive two weeks of my life (work-wise).

Hope you are all staying safe (BY STAYING HOME - looking at you, joggers). Let's just flatten the damn curve so I can go out and pretend to be an extrovert.

Till then,
Liza x

Lockdown breakdown: week one of solitude

How is everyone holding up? To all social butterflies, are you coping well?
To all home-bodies, hope you are enjoying paradise. 

This marks my 7th day of living *completely* alone. Today, I decided to stop using the word, 'isolation' as personally, it implies that I am all by myself, but I am not. Family and friends are well within reach (virutally) and I have God to talk to as well. What I am right now, is in solitude.

My last visit to Tg Aru back in Feb. An outdoor picture to counter my window view. 

Funny how a year and a half ago I was writing about being in complete isolation and struggling to find peace within myself and now, all I can feel is peace within myself. It's comforting to know that I have grown so much since my last low-mood episode in late 2018.
Now, that is not to say that all is rainbows and sunshine ever since. The fear of going back into that dark spiral is still real and there, but now I have a toolbox of things that can help me fight that fear head on. Okay, enough about my mental health growth.

The reason why I felt compelled to write today is because this Movement Control Order (or MoCO Loco) has brought up a lot of emotions and thoughts I'd like to articulate and put it out there.

In the initial stages of the breakout, I have to admit, I was not afraid of getting it, because I know that my immune system is strong and I have a higher chance of recovering from it. Now, that was a selfish thought. When my boss suggested we started working from home last week, I already started making plans to fly home on the Friday (2 days after the MoCO Loco came into effect). Another selfish thought. 

That same night of booking my flight, I couldn't sleep. The ethical dilemma was keeping me awake, do I travel and risk carrying the virus with me but I still get to be with family OR do I stay put for 14 days and be with myself? I tried to reason myself into accepting the first thought (be with family) because I was not sure how I would cope with 2-weeks alone by myself. I turned to my good friend Immanuel Kant and questioned what my moral duty is as a citizen and that gave me the answer.

The whole point of this MoCO Loco is to restrict movement just for 14 days to curb the spread and 'flatten the curve'. 

It is a short-term inconvenience for a long-term success in stopping the spread of this unfamiliar disease. The last thing we all want right now is losing a family member and not being able to be there with them. However, we humans always struggle to see the long-term and turn up that fight-or-flight programme to irrational panic.

It's human to want to be with our loved ones, it's human to want to catch that first bus/flight home, it's human to hoard food and supplies for our family. Unfortunately, it is these human behaviours that will make things worse. I was about to take part in these behaviours but empathy and moral rationality stopped me. I can still video call people and I have got my cousins to send me daily videos of their children (i.e. the apples of my eyes) to keep me company. I'd choose that over having one of them added to the infected statistic due to my thoughtless travelling. So here I am, on day 7 of 14 (longer?) by myself.

Video-call with the fam. How great
technology is! (Also, I had like half a
bottle of wine)

I know for some, especially those overseas, making this decision is so much harder. I have been talking to friends who have decided to stay put where they are and I know it is a heartbreaking to come to this but these are unprecedented times and they have accepted it. I also know of friends who have still decided to travel home, I know you have thought hard about this and sometimes, it is your family's decision. I fully respect that and appreciate that you all have been taking the necessary precautions.

These are uncertain times and we all must do what we can to stop this from hurting others. Like what most people have been preaching, this MoCO Loco is not about you, it's about the elderly, those with immunity-disorders, those who are fighting on the frontlines - doctors, nurses, police, the uncle/autny opening the grocery stores, those still operating tolls/gas stations, our food/grocery delivery heroes.



Fortunately, crisis mode also brings out the angels of our nature. Caremongering is slowly spreading and helping to reach out to those who really need help. This is when technology and social media helps mobilise social action: people offering help and people seeking help. Soup kitchens still being able to feed the homeless, single parents still able to get groceries delivered to them, elderly and sick still being able to get their medication - all because the community has come together to help one another (taking all necessary precations of course, don't @ me, you pedantic lunatics).

I wanted to end this post on a good note. While the news can be very depressing to read, remember that we can choose to step away from it when it gets too much. There is also a lot of good things to read out there (like this blog? haha) and there are good people fighting this fight. Pray for them, find out how you can support them and most importantly, do your moral duty and stay put.

I'm not going to say that you can use this time to do etc. etc. cause I'm pretty sure you all know about that. I just want us to exercise a little bit of empathy, being able to empathise with other countries who are suffering more than us will automatically guide us to do the right thing. If we can empathise with China and Italy, we will be moved to do what is best for Malaysia to not reach that stage. If we can exercise empathy with our frontline heroes, we will stay put.

Empathy is where we should direct our mental energy, not panic.

Keep safe and stay well. Better times will be ahead of us.

Malaysian Politics: A reflection

*Disclaimer: There will be no attempt to provide a political analysis (I'm not qualified), instead it will be a personal reflection of my experiences from the very edge of the sidelines*

That weekend of 'Langkah Sheraton' I was dancing my heart out to YMCA at my cousin's wedding in the middle of the rainforest in Sabah. Within 24 hours, I went from explaining to my family why I'm no longer with my partner when I caught the bouquet to providing an unqualified analysis of the current political situation.

Being someone who is directly affected by this situation, I wanted to be able to understand current circumstances. My first reaction was 'How inconvenient, now I will have to move.' I half-believed that the situation will blow over and things will eventually go back to normal, PH (and my dad) live to fight another day.

As the days passed and the plot twists never-ending, I became more confused and frustrated. I was trying to comprehend why this all happened in the first place: Where did all this betrayal start and why? Reading the media, I felt there was a lot of impatience, bruised egos and lack of trust. Let's be frank here, every one involved made their own move on this political multi-way chessboard, calling 'checkmate' at each other, and the only victims are the pawns - the rakyat.

The media played a big part in fuelling more confusion, uncertainty and division. In hindsight, in the first few days of the 'crisis', the news articles were misguiding and misinforming its readers, intentional or otherwise. It also did not help much that most Malaysians get excited at sharing any click-bait worthy articles, WhatsApp messages without questioning its sources. For those politically literate, it is easy to detect fake news, however the majority of us are still in the dark on the real situation and therefore, we gravitate towards information that speaks to our version of what we want the narrative to be instead of what it really is.

Opinion pieces are taken as the objective truth and not questioned, statements from leaders are taken out of context, and sadly, there are certain people who have taken this opportunity to create more political division.  Mentally, it was too much for me to digest. I wished there was a Malaysian version of The Last Leg to help articulate this saga into normal people language. I felt dejected, hopeless and sad. Democracy is dead. The Bersih fight that brought millions of Malaysians around the world to bring about social change was gone to waste. The politicians we elected to execute the People's Mandate are now climbing over each other to achieve a majority. It's every MP for his/her own.

I know many of us feel this way. 'The politicians will always have their way, we can never see change.' 'What's the point of voting anymore? They don't even care about us.' And they're right to an extent. But in the past 18-months, we have seen credible MPs and Ministers who are fighting the people's fight, it was a breath of fresh air. Plastic waste got sent back to where it came from, the Covid-19 outbreak was well handled, MACC finally was able to do its job properly. What this tells us is that, there is hope.

At 2019's Merdeka Parade @ Putrajaya. When Malaysia Baru was still hopeful. 

Truth is, there has always been hope for change. However, we have been too focused on what makes us different from each other to what similarities we share. Social psychologists have argued that when people come together under a shared identity, social change can be achieved (i.e. works around Social Identity Theory). We need to stop letting race and religion divide us. In school I was taught that the beauty of Malaysia is that everyone can live in harmony and work together in the #MalaysiaBoleh spirit. So, why do I struggle to see it now, especially among our leaders?

I hope the dust settles soon and the people of Malaysia find a way to make our voices heard, again.

Becoming a Bachelor

  A bachelor of science.

'I finished uni!' 

Title: The Ups and Downs of Final Year

I've made it, to the end of my degree. It has been a roller coaster ride filled with emotions, triumphs and downfalls. Most of you have been with me for parts of the ride, cheering me on and sharing your stories as well. For that, I am so blessed to be supported by each and every one of you.

I would also like to address a few typical post-grad questions here so (hopefully) I won't have to repeat myself so much when people ask me, I could just direct them to this post or maybe, you've read this and know better than to ask.

Q1: So what's your plan?

Okay, I know it is only natural to ask a soon-to-be graduate this but boy, it can get frustrating trying to answer this repeatedly. So here's a short answer: I don't know.
I have a few ideas but I'm still waiting to hear back from a few people so I don't want to confirm what my actual plans are.
In the long term, I would like to be a consulting psychologist. Psychology, mental health and performance (sport, music, business, military etc) is where I'd like to be involved in so anything I'll do in the future would include a few aspects of these 3 areas.

Another, perhaps slightly different area I'd like to be a part of is in saving the earth (or rather the human race) from climate change. Sometimes, I have this existential crisis where I'd ask myself "Nature is being destroyed by human activity and all I can think of is earning money?" and feel helpless in not knowing what I can do. Sure, I'm trying my best as an individual to be more green but I've realised that trying to convince people to change their deep-rooted habits (using plastic, eating meat) is an extremely challenging task and getting society to change (infrastructure, legislation etc) is a whole other mountain to climb. Again, I don't know. If anyone has any ideas or people I can talk to, let me know.

Q2: Are you planning to work in Malaysia or somewhere else?

Currently, I would like to return home and work for the time being. I miss my family so much and after spending majority of the past 5 years in the UK, I think it's time I head home. I want to spend time with my parents, my long-time friends and most importantly, spoil my cousin's children. I also miss good Malaysian food (duh).
I would not rule out moving abroad for work or even to do my masters but that's still up in the air. So for now, I'm heading home.

Q3: You couldn't get a job in the UK?

It's not that jobs are difficult to find, it's just so much more of a hassle. I wouldn't say that UK employers are making it hard for international students to find a job because of the Tier 2 visa (i.e. UK's working permit for non-EU/UK). In all honesty, I just didn't want to put in the effort because I knew it wasn't worth it for me. The jobs that are able to sponsor Tier 2 visas are not what I want to do and if it is something I'd love to do, chances are, they don't sponsor Tier 2 visa. I know I can dig deeper and something will pop out but I also want to go home. Yes, 'earning in pounds' is much better economically, but if I commit to a job that I don't like doing, what's the point?
Also, if I were to get a Tier 2 sponsored job that I love, I would most likely move to another town. It's just another round of settling down but this time, there might not even be a community of Malaysians that I could be part of or a family friend close by. That, is very important to me. Moving to Bath, I knew I could visit my family and friends in Oxford easily and there is a Malaysian society at university. People will say that I can always make new friends and make home out of a unfamiliar place but mentally, I don't think I am ready for that. Like I said before, I'm ready to go home.

Q4: Would you go into politics?

No. There are many reasons why I don't want to but to save time, I just don't think it is for me. My calling in life is to help people and I don't think being involved in politics is the way to go. For me, there's too much people pleasing, bureaucracy and arguing involved. Not my cup of tea. I mean I'm happy to work with politicians because they make the rules but to be one, I'd rather leave that post for someone more competent.

Q5: So, can you give me counselling sessions (for free)? 

No, graduating with a BSc in Psychology does not make me a counsellor. I'm not trained to provide professional advice and its unethical for me to do so. I'd like to undergo training for basic counselling soon so maybe ask me after that? Also, please don't ask for free sessions (I know most people who ask, can afford it). Like any other service, people spend money and time becoming qualified so its only right that there should be a form of payment. Only in special circumstance will I even consider giving out free sessions but again, I'm not qualified yet so I can't say much on this.


End of FAQs!
These are just some of the questions I'm already getting regarding my post-grad plans. I had time to think about the answers so I hope they're satisfactory.

Posing like how I danced around those questions

I've thought about why the title is 'Bachelor of Science' because in the context of job market, one becomes an eligible bachelor waiting to commit to a job. Like any relationship, to be successful, one should be believe and be comfortable in doing that job while at the same time be challenging for potential self-growth. Ha, funny that.

Again, I would like to thank all my family, friends, housemates, coursemates and everyone in between for their support during my university years. I hope I continue to still have this love as I go into the next phase of my life.

Love,
Liza x

Stuck under the duvet: my safe space

You know it has been tough when the only place you can feel safe is under a pile of blankets because you don't have to interact with the world.. and the world can't touch you.

*warning: explicit content, needed certain words to help articulate this whole shit show*

Although it may sound repetitive and a recurring theme here on my blog for the past year, I have gone through yet another challenging month. In all honesty, I still think the challenge is still ongoing but at least I'm in a better place right now. I am able to (and willing to) write about it, that's always a good sign.

Fuck, I was in an all-time low last month. I felt like a huge bus filled with heartbreak, disappointment and a-n-x-i-e-t-y ran over me, repeatedly. I was a walking combustible tear bomb, tears were flowing when in church, in the middle of reading papers on Immanuel Kant and when I hear my mother's voice on the other end of the phone. Every single day felt like a struggle to smile and feel happiness. There are days where I'd rather lie in bed and just watch videos on youtube - I didn't even enjoy it! It literally felt like I was being enclosed in a dark cloud and there was nobody that I could reach out to. Of course, I knew I have people to turn to but for a few days (which felt like a month), I was convinced that I was alone and no use to anyone. I was told from a very honest friend that I embodied "Sadness" from Inside Out (see below).

 

Yep. That was me. 

This won't be a sop story about what happened in the past month. Instead, I'm going to tell you how I dealt with it, or at least, attempted to:

As a psychology undergraduate, I found myself beating myself up harder because I was feeling an imbalance in my mental state. I was convinced that because I have spent the past 3 years understanding the human mind, I should be able to control how I felt and thought. I should know the ways to cope with it and overcome it. However, the reality was that I don't and that was a hard pill to swallow. The only thing I knew I could do was to seek help. I am ever so blessed to be in my university because the wellbeing drop-in sessions saved my life. I had a productive safe space where I wasn't under blankets hiding; I was talking about it and having someone there to empathize and guide me. Of course, I knew that wasn't enough, I had to be honest with myself and put in the work. 

That started with opening up to the people that I hold so dearly in my heart, my mum, my best friend and my sayang. By telling them, I inadvertently admitted to myself that "shit, okay I need help and I'm okay with asking for help". I was reminded again that I have the most amazing, supportive people in my life and I was so stupid for thinking that I don't. Slowly, I started opening up to my friends here in university and I have been continually blessed with support and understanding. 

That's how I got comfortable enough to talk about it now. Of course, I still have that fear that my search for help will be belittled and invalidated by others who would think that I'm not strong enough to cope with difficult situations. That fear is very much real and I wish that those people who do think this way just keep it to themselves. It is frustrating how I am programmed to remember the one thing that went wrong rather than the million other things that went right, I assume that is the case for most of us as well. Utter bollocks right, how our brains are wired to perceive this way?! 

Right now, the duvet is less of a self-pity sinkhole and I'm feeling less anxious. The chronic sadness is also ebbing away now, which is great because this time of year when the days are shorter is when my Seasonal Affective Depression (this, I have shamefully self-diagnosed) is peak. Funnily enough, I have come to embrace the short days and I.. don't get depressed when the sun sets at 4pm anymore. A progress in my mental health? Fuck yeah. 

I would like to end this post with a list of the things that has helped me feel better, for future reference: 

1. Honesty. Especially with myself and to people that you love. 
2. Good communication, ties in with #1. Being brave to pick up that phone and dial-a-friend (or mum). 
3. Social life! Making plans with the housemates and friends helped distract me from my own pity party. 
4. Exercise. As someone who spent her placement arguing for the importance of active lifestyle, I needed to follow my own advice. Swimming once a week and pilates every other day! 
5. Gratitude journal. Just writing down the small things that I was happy for every day was self-empowering. 

This was me after a nice (long) walk with the housemates to Beckford Tower (in the background). 

The look that says "I'm trying to find internal happiness again"

The hard times are still here but I know I have people to talk to and most importantly, I believe in myself and my strength to face it head on, with the occasional trip under the duvet. I'm going to be gentle with myself and I do hope that you do that as well. The only love we can rely on is the love from God and the love from yourself. 

Till next time, xx

Falling Chp 2

Kira could hardly believe the words that came out of Mark's mouth. "Your father is the reason why we can't be together," he said softly, trying hard not to let his anger show through his tone. That sentence was more deafening to her than the previous shouting match they had just 10 minutes ago. At that moment, all the anger, the frustration turned into confusion.

"What has my father got to do with us? You haven't even met the man yet. Was it the article?" she asked, suddenly filled with curiosity. "It wasn't just the article, Kira," he admitted, referring to the the profile piece published by the Economist, a candid interview with her father. "It is everything else he believes in, his values, the way he treats his businesses and how he talks about his family... it is all too much. I can't be a part of it." As he was explaining himself, Mark was already heading to the door, his dufflebag slung across his body.

"But I'm not asking you to be part of it! I'm not even part of it! That is why I'm here, far away from him!" Kira begged, the tears started flowing again, this time the tears flow slowly down her cheeks, warm just like how his hugs feel. "You don't have to be.." "I'm sorry Kira, I.. need to leave."

Just like that, Mark closed the door behind him. Closing on the life he built with Kira for the past 9 months, in that little flat just above a Korean snack bar. He closed his eyes and breathed. Part of him wanted to try and work it out with her but another part sighed in relief that he left before things got ugly. The less Kira knows why he did what he did, the better. At least, that is what he keeps telling himself. "It's for the best," he assured himself and left. He had unfinished business to deal with.

On the other side of the door, Kira sat by the coffee table, a cup of freshly brewed coffee in her hand. The nutty aroma of the beans soothes her as she tries to go through the last hour, the last month, the last year. She knew that crying out loud would not bring Mark back, she knew it would make her feel weak. The last thing she wants to feel right now is weak. "I shouldn't have told him about my family. Mother was right," she sighed. Thinking back to that conversation when her mother sat her down, a few days before she left. "It'll be hard for people to accept you and your family, just don't get your hopes up," her mother so brutally put it when Kira explained that she was going to 'settle down there'.

"I guess love is out of the window for me then," Kira finally admitted as she finished her coffee. "Now, time to move on," she said out loud, in the way her father would order her.