So yeah, Happy May everybody! It's currently 1:05AM on this part of the world and I'm still awake. 

It's not that I'm staying up late on a school night is my way of rebelling, rather the opposite, for the past 3 hours, I have been completing this written assignment that needs to be passed up by 7:20AM later today. And no, it wasn't a last minute thing, she gave us the paper just only yesterday. So basically, I'm not the only one burning the midnight oil. 

Well, I haven't been blogging lately and for those who are curious (or who actually care) I just haven't been able to find a time to sit down and collect my thoughts. These few months had been hectic! Breakdowns were inevitable. Anyways, it's going to be over soon and maybe you'll see me post interesting photos of me here more often. 

Oh, I just yawned. Probably is time to call it a day. Do take the time to enjoy my piece of "artwork" that I've spent 30mins cropping and "editing". 

Thanks for everything everybody :) 

Exasperated

She is done with herself. 

Why is she still nice to everyone? Why couldn't she come out from hiding? She knew the answer to that. Being nice for her is her only hope, hoping that her friends, family and other people would remember her. It was a slim chance, but she tells herself at least there it is better than nothing.

She couldn't really admit to herself that she's broken. Everyday, she finds something, doesn't matter how dull or interesting it is, she strives for something to talk about or to think about, just something to numb her mind. She knows that once the numbness goes away, the pain and the hurt would just come back and take over. She was afraid of it, so afraid that she couldn't bring herself to tell it to anybody.

Her conscience tells her to talk to somebody. Who could she talk to? Her parents were far too busy to listen, her friends wouldn't know what to say. A counselor might sound like the only choice but who was she kidding? Telling all this to a counselor would only get her sent to the mental institution. She wasn't crazy or anything. She is just hurt.

And so she writes. All her thoughts and her sufferings, all transferred onto an old journal that she found in her late grandfather's box. It was never used so she told herself, "Why not?" Every time this pain and hurt comes and attack her, she writes them down. To her, writing it all down would take the thought out of her mind as it is expressed into words. It sorts her thoughts out, after that, she is able to shut the pain out and starts to numb her mind again with other things.

She hides it well though. She never shows it. There's no point in telling the world she is sad. She can only count on herself to turn the frown upside down. She made it a point that she would never let anyone take away her happiness or stand in her way of feeling happy.

"It's me against this bloody world" is engraved into her mind.

2013 so far..

Excuse me for my absence this past month. SPM has proven to be a tough one to go through as of this moment. I must admit, there were times when I felt like just screaming in the middle of class and cry my heart out. With SUKMA just a couple of months away, fencing has been occupying my mind most of the time.

With overseas as well as local competitions and not to mention 3 times a week training and maybe a one week oversea training coming soon, I'm starting to worry about my studies. SUKMA and SPM are both things I don't want to miss out on and certainly I don't want to fail at it. So what can I do? Time management is always a weakness of mine as I get distracted too easily with the technology of today.
Everyday I ask myself this question "Can you do it?" 
Till today, I haven't answered that.
Oh sighs, I might just have to take this day by day.

Turned 17 just recently and I can finally take my driver's license! Excited about that, passed the theory test and currently doing the 8 hours driving. So if you happen to see an "L" driver on the road and is having some trouble starting the engine, please don't get mad.. I'm still learning :)

Currently I have to juggle my training sessions, my studies and getting my driver's license. Oh go me..

I guess I can only blog about these part of my life. There are tons of homework waiting for me and I currently have a serious case of the acne and I don't really feel good about myself atm.

Till next time.
xx

 

So I'm having a major exam this year. 

SPM, which is like the A-levels in Malaysia. 

And hence, tough tough tough tough tough year. 

So anyone who's reading, do pray for me and my fellow schoolmates that we find the strength to go through this year. 

Can't believe we're in our last years of high school already! 

Day 30: A picture of someone you miss.

Christopher Lee Fah

My grandfather.

Although he passed away when I was only 4 years old, and I don't really have vivid memories with him, his life and his stories were passed on to me from my mother. 

Every now and then, my mom would always talk about her very eccentric father, the Jack of all trades. He built the house that my aunts and uncles grew up in, he installed the first elevator in Sabah and he managed to bring up 8 kids with the monthly salary of less than RM1000. 

Not only that, I also knew that he loved to travel and have been to many places except for China and Macau, his hometown, which he planned to but sadly didn't have the chance.

The reason why I miss him is because I never really got to know him. I wished I did. I wish he could bring me to his fishing trips or let me wear his cowboy hat (which is now on my mom's shelf) or at least tell me some of his stories from the days back then.

Sighs. Kung, I wish I could recall at least a memory of us together, but I never could. I only remember you scolding me for not saying "excuse me" when I tried to walk pass old people.Well, at least there's something I can remember you by. 

Even though we weren't as close I wish we were, I still miss you. 

I know it took longer than expected to finish this challenge, but this is Day 30. 

Honesty and good things that come with it..

(well, not necessarily) 

For several years, I have had troubles being honest with myself and with others.
I wasn't being dishonest to mock or hurt anyone, but merely for the sake of everything. Or so I thought.

Just recently, I realised how rewarding it is to be honest for a change. I've managed to escape from a "would-be" terrible relationship and somehow ended up on the brighter side of the rainbow.

The truth does hurt but like the tumblr posts with words on it says "Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie." I know that a lot of people are afraid to tell the truth because they might not be able to accept the outcome of it, trust me, I am one of those people but learn to choose the right words to put it out there and maybe the outcome isn't as bad as it seems, might even be better. 

Seriously, if you don't, it'll slowly eat you up from the inside and by the time you decide to let it out, it might not be pretty. Friends, lovers and family members should try to be honest with each other. I'm not saying it will be easy.

And to the friends, lovers or family members, if he/she is trying to be honest and what they say might be hurtful, do try to forgive them for they are trying to honest, for sure, you have something to say about them too.

A simple reminder though, a secret, when bestowed upon you is meant to be kept as a secret. Sharing it out to the whole world isn't an act of honesty but rather an act of betrayal of trust.
Do learn to differentiate this. 

Chapter 17: 20 days and counting

Waddddupppp?!

So following my end-of-2012 post, of course I had to say something about 2013, no matter how much I don't want to think about it, but I had to.

2013 huh, we survived the apocalypse. (I've always wanted to say that)
And because of that, I have to face the biggest exam in my life so far, SPM.
The one exam that will determine the type of university I'll get into and ultimately decide my future. So there's a whole lot going on this year.

Besides the exam, I have SUKMA too. I have set it as my goal to win a medal this year as I know deep down, it would be my last year to qualify for the Malaysian Games.

So in that few short sentences, it is probably clear how heavy this year will be and how I will be stressing about it. But! I decide not to over-stress myself this time around and take one day at a time and just try to enjoy my last year in high school. Yes, it is my last year. *sobs sobs*

Seeing it as I'm turning 17 in 20 days (not really excited about it), I might as well make a few "new year" resolutions for myself, even though I never actually accomplished any resolutions so far.

These are some of them:
1) Eat 5 portion of fruit each day
2) Oats and yoghurt for breakfast
3) Take care of my face
4) Train hard and focus
5) Weekly run at the lake
6) Save money for movies (Despicable Me 2, Monster's Inc. 2, G.I. Joe, Percy Jackson and Disney's version of Star Wars)
7) Be nicer and friendlier to people
8) Just study hard

I could go on and on about my resolutions or goals or whatever you call them but I really don't want to make promises I know I can't keep and one of them would be blogging. I'm not sure if I'll have much time to keep this blog alive but I will really try my best.

In the famous words of Simple Minds,

"Don't you forget about me"